Wednesday, December 31, 2008

dear 2008,

i will not be sad to see you go, you know. sure, some good things have happened, and i've had some fun times, but really... if that was the best you could do, i'm glad you're leaving.

you sure took your time though. the nicest thing to happen to me this year only happened a week ago. surely you could have got to work on that a bit sooner?

anyway, i should probably let you go. no doubt you've got shit to do before tonight. loose ends to tie and all that. if i could ask you one favour though, new years usually suck for me, but i'd really appreciate it if this one didnt. i have a feeling it'll be a good one, but any help would be fantastic



Monday, December 29, 2008

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


christmas eve and im posting about hate. well, its warranted. actually, it isnt, and it doesnt make sense and i dont understand it, but its there anyway


i've just spent the last ten minutes fighting with myself. there was something i wanted to do, and there were means within my reach to do it, but i knew i shouldnt. i kept staring in front of me and fought inside my head but the need was too strong and it overwhelmed me. maybe if i was used to it again, i could have fought harder, but i didnt. instead i grabbed the badge, pulled the pin out at right angles and raked it along my arm

that'll be nice and festive for tomorrow

good one, me

its christmas, he says, come on.

no. i say. you could have given me some warning. twice too, even after i asked you not to the first time

so now i am spending christmas eve alone, without saying goodnight to my babies, my face ugly from crying, my arm stinging soothingly, and my hate sitting there, waiting to explode

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


kitchen, from fridge to window, not including stove - clean

cube shelves in loungeroom - sorted and pretty

loungeroom, from lounge to airconditioner - clean

Saturday, December 20, 2008

im a little bit concerned with the new basketballcricket rule '2 runs if you hit mum'

Thursday, December 18, 2008


i have sorted the hanging clothes from my wardrobe into three sections

keep, salvos and ebay

as impressive as this sounds, most of my clothes are not hanging up, they're in a pile at the end of my bed


have also done chest of drawers

have yet to touch pile - am wary of what i might find

Monday, December 15, 2008


up until a few hours ago, the kids toy room looked something like this

then i came up with an ingenious plan

x - do you realise how close christmas is!?!
me - i do....but....
x - but what?
me - well, i was just thinking about how sad you'll be
x - why?
me - cos i've been thinking that im not gonna let you guys play with your new christmas toys unless that room is tidy
x - e!!!!!!!!!!!!

now it looks kinda like this

they even swept and took things out to the shed

i'll let them play with their presents

Thursday, December 04, 2008

so, there was this one time, where i went to bed just after 10, i read for a little while, i wrote an sms on my phone that i'll never send, and then i went to sleep

and then, some stupid girl calls me and says i stole her solar lights

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

see how far you've come

i found a list in a notebook. i think its from when i was swapping meds and had about 2 months off work. that was early last year, i think, possibly earlier than that

what i want to do

i want to have a tidy house
- boys and i are sorting toy room
- i will fold clothes on the table

this is a start

work out what makes me happy:
loved walking around on sunday, shopping with friends.
can i get a job, part time, in an industry i am interested in: music/acting, 3/4 days a week. something i can be proud of being involved in

do i want to go to uni? tafe? just do a course - wea?
what would i study?

where do i want to be?

now: i should be out of bed, at least laying in the lounge with kids

in a week: again, out of bed and accomplishing something

in a month: working a job that i like OR still focusing on doing things for me until getting up and doing something becomes a habit

3 months: splendor in the grass, do NOT go with rob.
aim to have saved $1000

6 months: in at least 3 times a week email contact with tom. back to normal discussion. going to see him? do i still love him? (right now? yes)

1 year: tidy house by habit not force
not to have increased meds. 1 up acceptable
not to have slept with someone who doesnt care about me
discuss future with tom. do i really love him, or do i just miss his company?
be friends with matt


how have a gone with these goals?

ba bow

(that is the sound of someone failing)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

an overheard ode to our lunch

x - chicken nuggets, walking down the street, chicken nuggets, crumbing themselves with meat
e - um. yeah, its good
x - crumbing themselves with meat doesnt really work tho
e - thats what i was going to say
me - what about 'the kind i'd like to eat'?
x - wow mum! you're actually really good!
im happy for the rain

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


considering how shit i've been feeling lately, i've had a considerable amount of luck.

i won an ipod shuffle, helping out with jennys film, and that night i met a nice french boy who gave me a parasol and didnt break my heart. and this weekend just gone, i managed to get up and out of my house by 8am on a saturday morning, spend hours in the sun without getting burned, and have a nice afternoon. then later that night, i won a cure album, a ticket to the laneway festival, and managed to stay out all night and actually have a fun time.

but all it seems to be doing is make me wonder when its all going to come crashing down again. what is the big thing that is going to happen, to make everything miserable again? there are a few options that i can think of already, the usual suspects, you know, but there's a niggling feeling that it might even be bigger this time.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


nothing much is happening, but i thought i should probably stop by and say something.

so here is some sort of an update

i am successfully growing my nails
i vacuumed my lounge room on monday
i cleared out the top shelf of my computer cupboard after my internet decided not to work for hours and hours
im still eating pretty much healthily
boys are still shit
whilst cleaning my computer cupboard, i found the following cds - stina nordstrom, the cure, blur, darren hanlon, gotye, modest mouse and bird lantern
i am addicted to skins
on saturday i will be a book in a christmas pageant

so, as you can see, nothing much has changed.

band practice tomorrow night.

dear ben,
i promise to try and sing properly
love carly

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

mum! its so awesome!

e turns on the tv after getting home from school:

"mum! come quick! i have to show you something. its so awesome! the right man won america! i knew he would"

from dooce

Sunday, November 02, 2008

photos from the weekend (thanks to henry)

last night i missed out on seeing you am i for the first time in a really long time. i did want to go, but the prospect of going alone, and seeing people there, wasnt one i was prepared to face right now. i've done it before. a year ago exactly, actually. sitting out the back of the jade with clementine and melissa, whilst inside were an ex boyfriend and his girlfriend, someone i'd slept with and his girlfriend, and someone who i was seeing while he had a girlfriend, and his girlfriend.

so this time instead of seeing all that again i decided to dress up like a tea lady and go to dylans halloween party.

miffy, henry and i had helped out as extras in jennys film "justice squad'. i was a tea lady a cup of tea solves anything, miffy was super librarian knowledge is power, and henry was street smart fighting crime from the gutter up. super me won an ipod for having the best costume. go me.

instead of going to see you am i, i stayed home and slept until we had to go to dylans. i was a tea lady again, miffy was the white mouse, and luke was a lumberjack. we met ben, maddy, henry, joel, brendan and dom, (amish man, amish lady, dr who, pirate, jack skellington and superman). seems i also met a french boy who's here for 6 months. i have his phone number. i wont be using it.

on friday i had a doctors appointment. best doctor ever. anyway, i've been told to eat bacon, poached eggs and grilled tomato for breakfast. ive eaten that friday, saturday and today, and it has made me feel full for longer. i also made it from thursday night to now without bread.

now im watching pugwall. and i have a headache

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

josh pyke - the summer

If I could bottle up the sea breeze I would take it over to your house
And pour it loose through your garden
So the hinges on your windows would rust and colour
Like the boats pulled up on the sand for the summer
And your sweet clean clothes would go stiff on the line
And there’d be sand in your pockets and nothing on your mind

But every year it gets a little bit harder
To get back to the feeling of when we were fifteen
And we could jump in the river upstream
And let the current carry us to the beginning where
The river met the sea again
And all our days were a sun-drenched haze
While the salt spray crusted on the window panes

We should be living like we lived that summer
I wanna live like we live in the summer

And I’ll remember that summer as the right one
The storms made the pavement steam like a kettle
And our first goodbye always seemed like hours
In the car park in between my house and yours
And if the summer holds a song we might sing forever
Then the winter holds a bite we’d never felt before

But time is like the ocean
You can only hold a little in your hands
So swim before we’re broken
Before our bones become
Black coral on the sand

Monday, October 27, 2008

things ive been doing apart from sulking lately

eating toast
drinking tea
reading cloudstreet
having a music war. good music vs justin timberlake
waking up to messages from boys asking for sex
being grateful i didnt answer those messages whilst still asleep as i apparently do sometimes
waiting for something exciting to happen on facebook
signing up to unearthed
trying to organise a float for the pageant

Thursday, October 23, 2008

stop looking at the tv and listen to me, you idiot

x - g7
e - um
x - well?
e - well... if you said g7 and a bomb hit there and there were boats all around g7, would the bomb hit them too, or just the water?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

on a completely unrelated note to what i've been feeling lately, (apart from the continuous buffy dvd watching), how hot is andrew from buffy

blue - splendid

Night falls,
I fall,
And where were you?
And where were you?

Warm skin,
Wolf grin...
And where were you?

I fell into the moon,
And it covered you in blue...
I fell into the moon
Can I make it right?
Can I spend the night?

High tide,
The air is dew,
And where were you?
Wild eyed,
I died...
And where were you?

I crawled out of the world
And you said I shouldn't start...
I crawled out of the world,
Can I make it right?
Can I spend the night....
Alone, alone....

I fell into the moon,
And it covered you in blue...
I fell into the moon
Can I make it right?
Can I spend the night....
choice cuts from letters to many

im really disappointed in myself
i keep falling for the same tricks again and again
i believed you, the first time
i was a bit sad, because i liked you, but i was glad you told me the truth and didnt hurt me more than you had to
i liked you, but i knew where i stood
but then you had to go and say all those things
nasty lies
you cant sit there and tell me im beautiful, that you want me to be your girlfriend, when its all lies
how can you possibly be that mean?
i dont understand
the same could have happened without those words
we would be in the same position as we are now, without you having told all those lies
it was totally avoidable
i had a bad feeling about you from the start, remember?
you said all the right things and it made me wary because i'd been there before and been hurt
i should have stayed away
but as much as i could see the bad in you, i am stupid and naive enough to want to see the good, and thats what i held on to
part of me still wants to believe that
that you're good
that maybe you're just scared, and thats why you've gone away

you said it'd be ok
you said i was beautiful
that you wouldnt go away

send me missing messages to make me smile
keep it going, keep it up
for a little while

lie to me
come back and lie to me
i'll fall for it again, for sure

lie to me

Monday, October 13, 2008

trust - the cure

there is no-one left in the world
that i can hold onto
there is really no-one left at all
there is only you
and if you leave me now
you leave all that we were
there is really no-one left
you are the only one

and still the hardest part for you
to put your trust in me
i love you more than i can say
why won't you just believe?

i have a trust problem. its not that i cant, or dont, its that i do, too much and too readily.

you're beautiful
be my girlfriend
i want to be with someone like you
im sorry for last time
thank you for giving me a second chance
i'll call you
i'll see you in the week
i want to see you tomorrow

is that the reason that people lie to me so much? that they say things to get what they want, and then leave?

this is really hard. i have no words. to not be capable of writing things is possibly the hardest part of all this

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

no new messages

there are constant reminders, and they're everywhere. spoken, thought of, imagined, on purpose or by accident. jokingly thrown towards you, or forcefully pushed back down.

threw away something good, took on something bad
this book ended before it should have

we're talking about growing up, about who is a grown up. apparently thats where i sit, at the grown ups table. i want the grown up things. i want the house, the husband, the baby, the dog. i have none of those things, not anymore, and i wont be getting them any time soon, probably never,

ive been escaping to sunnydale, trying to take on their problems as bigger than my own. watch out for that demon, some vampires arent bad, i love you, but i shouldnt. i'd like to choose less confusing pancakes, but i dont even have that option

ive been home for a month. i dont go out much anymore. i thought i had hayfever, but then i remembered i dont do outside, so i must have just been sick.

i rarely leave my room. the boys have taken to camping in bed with me, with books or toys. we watch dvds together. they even watched the princess bride with me which is a source of predictable conversation between us:

them: lets watch a dvd
me: can i choose?
them: yep
me: princess bride
them: you can choose anything but the princess bride

everyone is busy, they all have something to do, someone to do things with. im disappearing more and more into books, dvds and games, and i dont know if i want to come out or not.

my head hurts. i think from keeping it all in. i dont want to let it out. i dont know where it will stop

im afraid i'll lose my job, and that'll be the end of me. i barely make it there as it is. i know how hard it was for the three newer people to win their positions, i doubt it'll be hard for them to find a reason to let me go

i should probably go now

Saturday, October 04, 2008

happy anniversary!

its my one month anniversary of staying home every saturday night, alone, and doing nothing.


watching buffy, building rome on my ds (im on my way to having a harbour, if you're interested, messaging people i shouldnt, and not messaging people i want to

any guesses how long this is gonna last for?

Monday, September 29, 2008

two phone calls today, both asking for money

one of them did offer me a foot tall penguin who wears a shirt and hat, though

for $59.95

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Monday, September 22, 2008

i have just returned from the newsagent, having bought my son the scorpion issue of real life bugs and insects.

if you have a problem with this, please take it up with me, and leave him and his brother out of it

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Friday, September 19, 2008

can anyone explain why both my columns are the same width now, even tho i didnt touch my template?
in the last week or so there has been a strange influx of new people coming to my blog, and its via some weird search requests. normally its 'little girl sex' and the like

carly gallante blog
little faerie girl
music by the wankers of australia
carly poloway blog
updown moneytaker
opening night of equus

i particularly enjoy 'music by the wankers of australia', except they were looking in the wrong place. they need to look at my myspace for that
today i saw a boy of about 16, walking down the road. he was wearing tight jeans, sneakers, had a shaved head, and had a tight, thin t shirt on with a packet of smokes up the sleeve

it reaffirmed my faith in the world

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

thinking about walking

i realised last night that the reason id been sleeping all day since sunday was that saturday morning was the last time i'd taken my medicine. instead of taking it then, i made myself a proper dinner, thought about how it'd been 4 days, and wondered if i could go 5.

i ate my dinner, i watched friends, i laughed because i genuinely find it funny. i did all of this in my loungeroom for a change, instead of my bedroom. but then i went back to my room, and i stayed there until this afternoon, with breaks for toilet, toast and tea.

i decided to take my medication today. at 330. this should make it safe for me to drive to bens tonight.

i thought about walking to the shops to get milk, as i've been going through it quite quickly. then, as i looked at my medication, i saw i only had one left, and then changed my mind about walking, thinking that driving would be better, as i could go to the chemist as well.

then i put down my glass and realised i shouldnt drive yet


Depression, in my own words.
Posted September 17th, 2008 by Warwick

You can’t explain to someone who hasn’t been there what it’s like to wake up, and the black curtain of storm clouds have suddenly dropped around you. How do you face the people around you, silently mouthing to each other “again?”. How can you explain that the objectively irrational impulses seem subjectively rational? That you understand that you’re not OK, but there’s nothing you can do to change it, while the world goes on making demands as if you still felt “normal”.

Your partner still wants you to be able to be there for her. The kids still want to get hugs from you - and they still need to eat. The boss still wants you to output widgets. The bank still wants you to make payments on the credit cards you used to survive when things went pear-shaped last time. The landlord still wants his rent.

There are two ways things can go from here. Sometimes with a good night’s sleep (or two, or more), and some looking after yourself, things will be OK again, and you’ll pick up your stuff, and keep moving forwards.

Sometimes, things don’t get better. The wiring isn’t just on the fritz, it’s burnt out. If you ask for help, they’ll insist on chemical assistance. They don’t really understand quite why or how the chemicals work, but “they should help”. They might (will) have side effects. The cure might end up being worse than the disease. If that one doesn’t work, they have others. Or a cocktail of medications, each one to deal with the side effects of another. That way lies its own unique madness.

With the meds, they might prescribe talking. Lots of talking, in the vain hope that like the infinite monkeys with their infinite typewriters might turn out some Shakespeare, if you say enough words for long enough, everything might fall into place. Sometimes they’re good at listening, sometimes they’re not. With the right person, it helps.

Some sift your words carefully, picking out the little nuggets of truth that help you understand a little better who you are. Others nod, grunt, and write you another prescription. I’ve known both. And it’s expensive to sit in a little room and talk. When you’re in a situation where you need to sit in a little room and talk, there’s a good chance that you’re not in a position to be able to afford it.

Fortunately, for me, most days now resemble ordinary. I wake up. I stare at the face in the mirror worn with lines I don’t remember collecting, and stubble that feels like it belongs on someone older than me. I go to work, and try to fit into “normal” like a cheap suit that I bought in a hurry and can’t take back.

But occasionally, there are those days. Days where the mask is tissue-paper thin. Surviving the day is an act of will that leaves a lingering exhaustion that seeps into your bones. Like a drowning man in a flash flood, you wrap yourself around the hope that the waters will recede soon, and you’ll be safe and dry again.

At least until the next deluge.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

anything different?


same shit is going on

i've just finished reading the twilight series

last night i watched wilfred

and today i started watching the girl from tomorrow again

thats about it

Friday, September 12, 2008

oh hai. my week? you want to know about my week? um, well, sure, you really want to know? ok then. feel free to stop listening whenever you like

when i got the kids back from voldemorts on sunday night, the first thing i said when i saw x was 'he's sick'. no he's not, he's fine, is the response. actually no, he's sick. they're both sick. x has spots all over his face, his eyes are glassy and he has a temperature. he had called me the day before (at 6am, grrr kids) to tell me he had a rash on his tummy, i told him to show his dad. i call my mum, she says 'german measles'. x says 'its just puberty mum, its ok, i can handle it, it only lasts for a few years and it was bound to happen some time'. i say, no x, you are 9 years old.
then e crashes out on the couch, his whole body hot, his eyes are glassy, his throat hurts, i give him panadol, he vomits everywhere.

bed time

monday - kids still sick and spend the day on the couch watching dvds. by the end of the day they are worse and i decide to call the doctor and make an appointment for tuesday morning. they say bring them in now, its not busy. i call their dad to ask for help as i cant carry two boys. he says he having dinner (with his girlfriend) but will 'come later'. i get angry and hang up. stupid girlfriend. he calls later and asks where i am. im home, waiting for you. why arent you at the doctor? because you said you would come here and help me. no i didnt. fuck you. i hang up, take the kids to the doctor, make x walk as i cant carry him, we get put in an isolation room, and then go in to see the doctor.

they dont have german measles. i didnt think they would, they've been immunised, they have a virus which has turned into an infection, coming out as spots all over his face in x case, and e has a virus and strep throat. take them home, fluids, panadol, etc, usual sick kid things. dad knocks on the door and is automatically a hero for turning up with showbags, stupid girlfriend is in the waiting room with her stupid face on. i have to go to the chemist and buy medicines while he gets to be the good parent and give treats.

we go home

then i remember, im supposed to go on a date tomorrow. im supposed to be meeting this boy for coffee. i cant go. i message him and tell him im sorry, that im not ditching him, but i cant see him tomorrow and will have kids home all week, more than likely. his response is short. i figure hes a lost cause now

tuesday. damn kids get up at 6 am and run around the back yard with the bow and arrow set that came from the show. they dont show a single sign of being sick, apart from x spots which already look better after one dose of medicine. original coffee time ticks over and i have a cup of tea, by myself. its not the same.

i message him and say, based on the behaviour of my children, that coffee tomorrow would be good. he says yes, that would be good. its all set.

tomorrow comes. i take x to school, and take e to the dentist for the last little part of his teeth fixing. when we get there, some kid is screaming its head off so they suggest we go for a walk for ten minutes. we walk to the playground, maybe 30-40 metres away? we talk and he plays, i put my hand in my pocket to check the time, and my phone isnt there. my brand new phone. as in only got it last week brand new. my phone that i actually like and can use and holds actual songs and can picture message and isnt shit. we retrace our steps. 3 times. no phone. e goes into the dentist and we find out that he's actually having two teeth ripped out today, and wont be going back to school after this. date? what date?

we go home. i call my phone. its unavailable. of course it is, its currently being used as a swap to buy drugs in christie downs. i call miffy. she says she'll come over and look after e so i can go tell sam i cant make the date, because i cant call him or message him because his number is in my phone. then she decides that she'll do her uni work at my house with luke and watch e, and i can get a coffee. so its maybe going to be alright

so we talk, and we drink coffee, and we walk back to our cars, and its nice. and im seeing him again.

and i go home, and i call optus who say 'oh my god! you really did only get your brand new phone last week! i feel so bad for you! here, i've credited $120 to your account. that should cover a few of your bills so you can buy a new phone.'


then i go to the optus shop for a new sim card which they give me instead of charging $39 for

again, wow

i go home, activate my new sim and find out that all my old numbers and messages are there and i have the same phone number.

sams messages that he sent wednesday morning come through, so i have his number again. we organise to see each other thursday night. except thursday night shows and he doesnt.

e cries and whimpers and talks and moans and wriggles and calls out from approximatley 10 until 4 in the morning. i go in there time and time again, whats wrong, whats the matter? i finally get out of him that he thinks he might be frightened. he doesnt know what he's frightened of tho. i ask him what is the best thing ever. fishing with dad? i suggest. bugs and dinosaurs? gardening, he says. think of gardening, i say. and think how you are brave and happy and the strongest loveliest sweetest boy in the whole world and i love you.

he ends up kicking me for the rest of the morning in my bed.

so now im back where i was two weeks ago. no sleep, sore back, broken phone, grring about boys. my life will never go forwards

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

look, im facebook

carly is currently sitting online on msn, looking at someone else sitting online on msn, and not talking to him

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

i was bored today, and thinking about what i like doing, in case i felt like doing any of the things i came up with. except that what i like doing is sleeping, reading, and kissing. i guess in that respect i can look at my day and say i did most of the things i like doing, except that i would have liked to do the last one, had i had a willing participant. but im bored. fat and bored. every night i go to bed thinking about how tomorrow i'll eat healthy and exercise and get fitter and healthier, and every day i laze around eating shit food and making myself more and more miserable.

i worked out today that i basically live on variations of bread and water. toast in various forms (regular toast, toastie toasties, grilled cheese toast, fruit toast, muffins) and water (plain water, cups of tea). apart from the water, this isnt the slightest bit healthy.

if there was a way i could sleep and wake up thinner, happier and healthier, i'd take it.

if there was a plane at the end of my driveway, going to dublin, i'd take that too.

feburary is very cheap to fly away. specifically to dublin.

i wont go though. i'll sit here in suburban adelaide and be sad and alone for the rest of my life

what a happy thought

im going to bed

Saturday, August 30, 2008

about to go to miffy and lukes party, but need more toast with honey before i can leave the house

Sunday, August 24, 2008


went to see the whitlams with sharyn last night. came up with more 'teh funniest things eva!' to go along with 'asha and her white baby' and 'does she have legs'.

whitlams were great, as always, putting in their full 85%. some stupid girl pushed her way through to stand behind sharyn and i, sang badly and talked loud through the songs. what she also did was spill red wine down the back of my white cardigan.

what. an. idiot. said hermione

i could feel it on my neck. i thought, maybe its not much? maybe its just beer? perhaps its just water, then i saw her out the corner of my eye. wine. i turned to her and said 'can you please not spill your wine on me again' and she laughed, patted my shoulder and said something drunk at me. i tried to just keep singing along, but i could feel it wet on my back, so i took it off and saw a big, purple splotch in the middle, on the shoulder, and drips between.

'if she spills again, im going to punch her'
'i've got your back' says sharyn. again, another funny to add to the list

so many good songs, so many old songs too, which was great.

then it finished, and i considered asking the girl to buy me a bottle of soda water to try and soak my top in. i turn around and she's apologising, saying she feels really bad and wants to give me money for my top.


'here, i feel really bad. take this'

and i got $20. top only cost me 15, but i realy liked it, and it was one of the white things i'd managed to keep white since i got it. hadn't spilled a thing on it. and if any of you know me, thats a miraculous accomplishment. so i took the $20, asked the bar girl for a cup of soda water, and soaked my top while we drank a glass of water and decided what to do next.

jak was at the merch desk, and remembered us. he said that supermild was shit and that he was probably just gonna go to bed, so we turned to leave and saw bobby flynn. kirsty loves bobby, so i talked to him so i could tease her and say 'i talked to bobby flynn'. i told him i enjoyed his show and he said 'thanks, thanks for that' and put his hand on my shoulder. sharyn and i ran, giggling from the gov, and i got my phone out so i could text kirsty and say that bobby flynn touched me

'tell her he touched your boob'
'yeah, like he reached for my shoulder and i turned a bit and he touched my boob by accident'
'hehe, no, say bobby flynn touched your boob, on purpose'
'baaahahaa, bobby flynn touched my vagina'
'baaahahahahahahaha, bobby flynn touched your vagina'
'ok, ive written 'bobby flynn touched my vagina... i mean shoulder'
'excellent. aaah, we're so funny'
'why do they bother with comedians when they already have us?'

we walked back to the car, shazz got changed on the side of the road, and we went into town, found an awesome park, and began drinking. while in the car, three 19 year old boys (one, who when he found out how old we were, suddenly became 22, 23, turning 24 on tuesday) walked past, looking for the party train. one of them had the wonderful talent of weeing while he walked. how clever!

the line up for gosh (line up!)we had to listen to the most annoying girl in the world who just kept talking and wouldnt shut up, and we met a nice boy called todd who was into roots music, the whitlams, was the king of the line, thought we were 26 and loved kids.

inside? inside i had the boringest gosh ever. music wasnt good, apart from penny lane, people were shit, drunk girls kept dancing on me, and some chick had her boob out while some loser was pashing her

we went home early

*possible actual lie
p.s. soaked mycardi in peroxide and bi carb over night, cant even see the stain. 20 bucks, wooo

Friday, August 22, 2008

say hi to them for me

today i learned a couple of things

if humble bee ever wanted to become childrens entertainers, we'd be a total hit. a couple of months ago i gave my doctor a cd with some songs on it. she played it in the car on the way home with her kids, and when it finished her kids asked for it again. she told them it was one of her patients singing. apparently her coolness rating went up a few notches because she knows someone famous.

second thing i learned today is that contrary to what a doctor i dont even remember told me years ago, after speaking to me for about two minutes, i dont actually have borderline personality disorder.

so, thats a bit of good news

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

wtf neighbours

weird 3 and 4 screen shots when people are on the phone, but strangely only when its libby? dean geyer is a creepy stalker? jane hall is running around feeling boys chests like its a normal every day occurrence?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

have decided i dont want to be in the obese section of the bmi graph. im heading that way. all i have to do is get a bit shorter or a bit fatter and i'll be there

(notice how there is no star where i am? im not that open about myself. you can guess.... guess nice!)

so, this morning i got up, had two glasses of water and a banana, put on a cd, and decided to attempt some sort of exercise.

soundtrack to my foray into weightloss, brought to you by the pipettes

1. we are the pipettes: jogging, entire song
2. pull shapes: no longer able to jog. decide to march on the spot with big swinging arms
3. why did you stay: this is bullshit. i feel like im going to die. go and make cup of tea and some muffins
4. dirty mind: get angry that i gave up after two songs and do some stretches, lunge things, interpretive dance while muffins cook. mmm, cheese, mmm
5. it hurts to see you dance so well: coughing fit
6. Judy : coughing, eating
7. Winters Sky : coughing, eating
8. Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me : coughing, eating
9. Tell Me What You Want : coughing, eating
10. Because It's Not Love (But It's Still A Feeling) coughing
11. Sex : coughing
12. One Night Stand : coughing
13. ABC : coughing
14. I Love You : coughing
15. Dance and Boogie : feel like i could cough for longer. yep. just coughed
16. Baby, Just Be Yourself : last song of the cd. well done me! not coughing. still feel like i will. now drinking cup of tea, settled in front of heater and computer

exercise is for idiots

Monday, August 18, 2008

im getting increasingly madder at how cold it is

i found a spelling mistake on a sign at ikea today

daim is good

i have a phone now, so if your number has a 6 in it, i can now call you

but only after it charges

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Thursday, August 14, 2008

ticking things off

things i should be doing

1.anything other than what i am doing my house *mums gonna help me do that on saturday*
3.buying a mop *tick*
4.folding clothes
5.eating healthy *ate an actual dinner tonight - satay chicken and rice*
6.finishing my book *done*
7.paying more attention to things that matter, rather than focusing on things i cant do anything about
8.looking at different websites than the ones i do
9.wearing socks *wearing some right now*
10.brush my teeth *did so this morning, will do so again tonight. two ticks*
11.getting my mobile fixed
12.making new friends
13.attempting to catch up with old friends *hung out with sharyn on tuesday*

additions to list

14. finish new book
15. write more songs
16. do some sort of band practice
17. take band practice seriously
18. not too seriously, as per promise
19. drink more water
20. dont send email
21. make sure i clean the house on saturday
22. keep eating better
23. listen to my phone when it tells me 'go for a walk you fat lazy pig'
24. use mop
25. stop complaining
26. try and get along better with voldemort (this is a two way street. phone conversation tonight was a good start) (ie the fact that he actually called, and we had an actual conversation)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

osborn: so what r u pretty much caring bout right now?
me: im over caring about eeeeeeeeeeeeverything
osborn: eeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrtttttttttthhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggg?????????? is that whale talk?
me: humpback
osborn: lol
me: we are so parents
osborn: yes we are

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

can he stop you from defecating in public places?

sharyn and i are going to see the whitlams in a couple of weeks. should be good. havent seen a band in a while. im gonna see if jak and pai wanna come to gosh with us after :) hmm, yeah, i dont think they will, but we can hope.

i want to watch 'love is a four letter word' again. so great. if anyone has it, may i please borrow it? im searching youtube for it at the moment, but i doubt i'll have much luck

Sunday, August 10, 2008

things i should be doing

1.anything other than what i am doing my house
3.buying a mop
4.folding clothes
5.eating healthy
6.finishing my book
7.paying more attention to things that matter, rather than focusing on things i cant do anything about
8.looking at different websites than the ones i do
9.wearing socks
10.brush my teeth
11.getting my mobile fixed
12.making new friends
13.attempting to catch up with old friends

things i do rather than the things in the above list

1.sit around
2.drink tea toast
4.look at the same websites over and over, hoping for something new
5.check email
6.see that there is no email
7.check it again animal crossing
9.think about all the stuff i should be doing
10.decide i'll make a list of stuff i should be doing
11.think about how i take more time thinking about doing stuff than actually doing anything
13.try to sleep
14.pick up my phone to message people
15.only put it back down without messaging 50% of the time
16.teach my animal crossing friends to say helpful things like 'no text!' and 'dont msg!'
19.realise there are more things on my 'stuff i do' list than on my 'stuff i should be doing' list, and feel a little bit ok about that, because at least im doing stuff
"ok, well, im not good. im sick of being alone, and im sick of loving someone who doesnt love me back. i have no news, because everything that seems like it could turn out well, goes to shit. i was gonna go to europe in january with my band, but now we cant afford it, i met a guy who seemed really nice, and he found out i had a mental illness and doesnt want to know me. im cold, and im sad and im lonely and i feel like thats how i'l be for the rest of my life

does that make you feel better?"

probably isnt the nicest email you'd want to get, but 'im fine' apparently wasnt cutting it. i cant lie to him. i tried. im fine, i said. dont worry about me. no, whats wrong? i want more than one line. well then, thats what you get.

my babies come home tomorrow, i'll get hugs then

Thursday, August 07, 2008

the reason why

carly says:
how impressive do i sound on paper
MedusA says:
I dunno, I've never heard you on paper
carly says:
well, im talking to this guy, and hes asking about me, so im saying i work in a library, im rehearsing a play at the moment (just plays? actually i was an extra in a film on tuesday) and i play in a band. i've travelled throughout europe and am thinking of going back there to play gigs
MedusA says:
yeah, you sound good
carly says:
so why do only dickheads like me?
MedusA says:
carly says:
oh yes
i forgot about that reason

Monday, August 04, 2008

you cant
you cant
no matter how hard you try

Friday, August 01, 2008

it started with a fight

an argument, really, which lead to a fight. one called the other a weener. the other turned into a skinny ball of muscle and started beating the bigger one around the kitchen. both started yelling.

i guess it really started before that, when i asked them both to get ready for bed. 'toilet and teeth'. apparently 'toilet and teeth' means 'stand in the kitchen and stare at the wall.

or maybe it started before then, when i asked them to put their dishes on the sink, and they both ignored me and continue with their loud, continuous argument over which jimmy neutron character they were, and which one was better.

in any case, it ended with me grabbing my phone

'right, thats it, no more grandmas tomorrow'
'just him? or both of us?'
'both of you'
'because you are both incapable of behaving, and therefore shouldnt be allowed nice treats'
'hear this?'
'thats me not talking to you'

*on the phone* (without really dialling) 'hi, its carly, how are you?.....yeah, good thanks, um, we wont be coming up, the boys have been too naughty.....yeah....yeah, i know......i would have loved to, but they just wont listen to me......ok, yep...ok, no worries, have a nice weekend, bye.....bye'

*in bed 10 minutes later*

'did you really ring grandma?'
'what do you mean, did i really ring her?'
'did you ring her, or did you just pretend?'
'why would i pretend?'
'if i was an adult, that would be the sort of thing i'd do'
'oh? well then, i'll have to keep that in mind. ninite'

getting far too clever, that kid

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

e: i bet there are swear words i havent heard
x: e, there are swear words even *i* dont know

had my children been with me this morning, i believe they would have heard all the swear words they'd ever need to hear in their lives.

just after 9 is when i woke up. i dont know how long it had been going before that, but the screaming was terrifying. at first i couldnt understand a word apart from fuck. it was just noise and fuck and 'what am i supposed to do?'. my first thought was that some kid wouldnt get out of the car and go to school, so its mum was yelling at it. oh yeah, thats the neighbourhood i live in. and considering the school, i think that assumption before i'd even opened my eyes was pretty well fair enough.

but it got worse. and worse. and worse.

when i let myself look out the window, she was huddled on her front porch crying, holding a baby. he was stalking up and down the driveway swinging a baseball bat.

oh. its more than a kid not wanting to go to school.

suddenly i cant remember the other phone number for the police. then i start to wonder, maybe this *is* an emergency. he has a baseball bat, ffs, maybe 000 is called for? but i dont have to think about that anymore, because a police car pulls up. the girl runs across the lawn to the police, he follows after her, holding the bat. another car pulls up, and another. 'drop the baseball bat! drop the fucking bat!' more screaming and crying. the girl is sitting in the gutter, holding the baby, while a police woman talks to her. a paddy wagon pulls up. more screaming. from her 'just do what they say. i dont want you to get hurt'

one car drives off, two officers inside. i cant see the wagon, the other police, or the man.

the policewoman, the girl and the baby go inside, followed by another officer. two officers stroll back to their car, chatting away like its a normal morning. maybe it is
why do people come to me for relationship advice?

its not like im all that great at them

Friday, July 18, 2008

thankyou big brother

for almost an entire hour, i have been attempting to calm down the kids. big brother finishing this year is apparently the worst thing that has happened to them in their entire lives.

crying crying crying crying

e has written a letter to big brother and travis

Monday, July 14, 2008

i loved my first car. a mist green, morris 1300 nomad. awesome. we sold it years ago, and then i saw it at the local car yard a while ago. a really wanted to buy it. but i didnt.

x and i quite often talk about it, but he has different memories. he swears black and blue that i had a v dub, not a morris.

so today when we were driving to miffys and i saw my old car, i was stoked.

me: look xans! thats my old car! like, *my* old car
x: (no response, not even looking)
me: not just a car that looks the same as mine, but my exact car. the one i owned. see? its not a bug, look.
x: yeah, well
me: yeah well nothing, thats my car. exact car. exact exact car, as in the one i owned and drove around.
x: yeah well! theres a guy in the goodies who looks exactly exactly exactly like dad, but its not him, is it!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

i've collected a lot of post secret postcards over the years

sometimes they just seem to fit

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

so her name is sunday rose, who cares. i think its pretty. it could be fork or puppy or balloon, but its not. its sunday, and i think it's lovely.

in the comments on the ninemsn site about the "bizarre choice of name", somebody said (paraphrasing) 'sunday is fine, and rose is fine, but together they sound like sunday roast'. which by itself is a dumb comment, but when you think back to 80s commercials about roast lamb 'guess who's coming to dinner' 'scram', its funny, cos wasnt tom cruise coming over?

*edit* i got my ads mixed up. this is the one i was thinking of. naomi watts. heh

Sunday, July 06, 2008

future artiste

one is the original book, the other is the copy e is making. can you tell the difference?

Now playing: SoKo - I'll Kill Her
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, July 02, 2008



e: did someone teach you how to be a mum?
me: no. well, i guess i learned stuff from people, but you just sorta do it and work it out
e: oh
me: why? do you think i do a good job?
e: yeah. cos, you smile, and you have a good nose, and you know the stuff that we like. fruit, for example

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

sweetest thing i have heard in just about forever


"im so at a loss that im looking up courting on wikipedia"

Monday, June 30, 2008

see this?

cute, you reckon?





after countless vet trips, including an almost fatal brown snake bite, we landed on the doorsteps of the local clinic again over the weekend, as my cat now looks like this

not so cute now, is it!! not only has she ripped the fur on her bum out, she's also plucked her chest and tummy, all down the inside of her legs and a big circular patch on her back. vet said its probably a flea allergy, gave her some steroids, wacked the bucket on, and off we go. take it off in a day or so, she says, when the meds have kicked in.
i took it off sunday night and she went right back at it, so she's gonna have to wear it.

except now i find she's taken to plucking other things. like the dead bird i found when i came home. no blood, no puncture wounds, no missing limbs, just a cleanly plucked tummy and under wing area

asshole cat

Saturday, June 28, 2008

in an attempt to be a normal human. i will be going out to gosh tonight

apart from singing, i dont plan on opening my mouth for any words at all

Thursday, June 26, 2008

for those of you playing along at home


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

last night/this morning

, originally uploaded by superbomba.

*turned off the light, rolled over, willed myself to go to sleep
*sleep did not come. rolled over the other side, grabbed ds, played animal crossing til the shops shut. we are now at 1am. turned off ds
*willed myself to sleep
*sleep did not come. got up, went online to see if anyone was around
*no one was around, went back to bed and played mr driller on ds until i got really mad that i couldnt get past 475 metres
*try and sleep
*wrote a letter that i should never, ever, ever, in my right mind, send to someone
*realise i am not in my right mind, but try and promise myself not to send letter anyway
*try and sleep
*turn on tv and actually consider for more than a moment, buying some face polisher thing and a pilates chair from guthy renker
*try and sleep
*decide that at least walking to the shops to post the letter will be exercise and cheaper than pilates chair
*try and sleep
*write a song that kinda actually has a catchy chorus
*laugh at the ridiculous of my song. think about letter some more
*try and sleep
*set timer for tv to turn off by itself and eventually fall asleep listening to jessica simpson talking about proactive
*while sleeping, dream that i am late for work, and have to get there by riding a trike uphill. SYMBOLIC MUCH??
*wake up and notice i have slept through 2 messages, a reminder to take medicine and a reminder to 'go for a walk, you fat lazy pig'
*reminder to go for a walk reminds me about the letter
*realise i will spend the rest of the day thinking about it unless i make a decision
*procrastinate by going online
*read everything i need to read.
*procrastinate more by blogging about it
*and now we're all caught up

Sunday, June 22, 2008

the science of sleep

if i lived next door to you
would you marry me when we're 70?
we'd ride a felt horse into a forest boat,
floating in a cellophane sea

if we have nothing to lose
would i be the one you'd choose?

Friday, June 20, 2008

i have just taken two mersyndols for the headache i have had, more or less, for a week now

please dont call me
the wizard of oz

e: can we watch this?
me: yeah, sure
e: i like the tin man
me: me too, can you remember what he needs?
e: um....
me: they're all looking for something. do you remember?
e: oh yeah
me: so, the tin man is looking for....
e: oil?
me: no...a heart. what about the lion?
me: ah, no...he needs courage. dorothy needs to go home, and then theres the scarecrow. what does he need?
e: he needs to have no birds on him

Thursday, June 19, 2008

how dare they

this makes me sad

if they think for even a second about going after dan, bart, jack or erica, they will have me to deal with. and probably kirsty. and i wouldnt want to get on the wrong side of von

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


if there is anyone out there that can help me with this, i will be indebted to you forever.

i need a copy of the nintendo 64 game legend of zelda : majoras mask.

i will pay you $30 for it

i have just had to fight a war with an ebay seller, who decided it was fine to charge me $33 postage for 3 N64 games, and now i hate ebay.

i have promised this game to x for his birthday and i cannot find it

your help is greatly appreciated

itchyness took over and i got myself (and kids) to the doctor today. armed with bags full of books, biscuits and various toys, we walked up to the desk knowing we may have to wait longer that the 1 and a half hours mentioned on the phone.
i showed the girl my rash. she says 'oooh!' and tells me to sit 'over there, someone will be there shortly'. shortly! as if by magic my name was called before i even put my cards back in my purse and we were in the office with the door shut. it takes me 6 weeks to get an appointment when i am depressive. it takes 30 seconds when im covered in itchy redness. will bear that in mind for future visits.

it seems that it is almost definitely a reaction to my medication, which i stopped taking sunday. i was given tablets, a prescription for creams and told to buy antihistamines. $17 later and im happy and itchless. still look pretty gross tho.

does that mean its all over? not by a long shot. as a result of stopping my medication, my house is now full of imaginary cats. imaginary wha?? imaginary cats. many of them. im not entirely sure how many there are, but there are more than the two i really have, and they're quicker and never seem to stay still, always leaving the room as i walk in. one lives full time in the kids bedroom, and one in the kitchen. the rest move around.

and yes. i have stopped driving.

so, its home for the rest of the week, another appointment tomorrow to find out when i start my medication again, and hopefully it wont take long for the cats to move out. i dont mind them living here, i just dont want to get to the stage when im feeding them

Monday, June 16, 2008

itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy

even now, you dont understand, just how itchy

Saturday, June 14, 2008

quote from last night

"excuse me, it's actually a girls head, giving head"
"aaaaaah, oh, thanks!"
my hands are itchy

since the fluoxetine should be in my system by now, im googling to see if itchiness is a side effect. it is. how fun! so is 'no blood pressure or pulse'. i'll be sure to keep an eye out for that one

Friday, June 13, 2008

4:22 pm, today, 9 years ago

i spoke to him on the phone last night. he expressed his wonder at turning 9. i agreed. 'i cant believe it was 9 years ago that me and your dad drove down the expressway to the hospital, on a rainy night, just like this. and the next day, there you were'
i hear sniffles, and the voice that means he has tears in his eyes. 'thanks mum'

happy birthday, my beautiful, wonderful guy. i love you

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

happiness is a warm pair of trackies

new trackies. lovely

i got a role in cosi. this time i get to keep my clothes on
im sad and im afraid

my whole body aches and i cant find a comfortable spot to lay to fall asleep. its 1259am. i want to sleep. i want to sleep so that i stop thinking. im 5 days into doubling my medication and i cant see a change. i still lay here and think about the things i should be doing, things i want, things i cant change.

right now im laying still and searching my body for reasons i can call up sick tomorrow and not have to leave my house. my tummy is gurgling a bit. perhaps i could use that? while i decide on illnesses another part of my brain takes over.

its only lunch, for fucks sake. its an hour of your day to spend with friends



for the first time in however long ive let myself wonder about someone who isnt him. i wondered out loud and a friend says 'me too' and he says 'not me' me anyway.

how will i make it through lunch? do i have reason to be upset? to not go? to be mad? to be sad? can i stop sabotaging whats left?

i dont know the answers to any of these questions

my legs ache and my tummy still gurgles. i think about things i could be doing, should be doing. i try and close my eyes and they spring back open again and stare into the dark

'you'll never find it here'

i need to get out. to go away. i want to go away. i want to get out. out of bed, out of my house, out of here, out of my mind. but the blankets are warm and i know that sleep will come if i let it.

i just have to give in

i give up

Monday, June 09, 2008

is it just me, or does he have hick teeth?
about how i should know by now, and how i should be used to it, but how it still hurts

its a public holiday, and its 5:20, and i get a phone call saying 'i'll come round now and pick the bags up, we're just at the shops'.
since its a public holiday, the shops can only mean one place, and those shops are about 500 metres away.
knowing this person as i do, 'now' can mean a few things. but i also figure that you're at the local IGA, how long can you stay in there, really? and even if you go home first to drop off your groceries (a waste of time and meaning you have to drive 500 metres away from my house, and then the 1 kilometre back) i dont see how it can take more than half an hour. and that is being extremely generous.

so after an hour, i call. no answer. maybe no answer cos they're just pulling up in the driveway? no, no they're not. so half an hour after that, i call again, and there is still no answer. now im starting to panic. surely i would have heard sirens from here? if they're only around the corner and something happened to them, i would have heard the crash, i would have heard the sirens. then i calm myself down and think, well, its dinner time. maybe they went home first to have tea. sure, it probably would have been good manners to let me know, but its possible thats whats happened.

so i call the house. the phone answers. 'hi mum!' they're alright. calm again, before im mad. 'wheres dad?' 'band practice'

i call again, no answer. so i text

'thanks for forgetting me again'

not that he'll probably even read it

Sunday, June 08, 2008

stolen from pavlovs cat

What was I doing 10 years ago?

living in a shack by the sea, with voldemort and our dog and being happy

Five snacks I enjoy in a perfect, non weight-gaining world:

1. Chocolate

2. hot chips

3. cookie dough

4. nutella, straight from the jar

5. chips

Five snacks I enjoy in the real world:

6. toast

7. when someone cuts up fruit for me

8. roasted vegies

9. camembert

10. caramello koala when ive finished work on a thursday

Five things I would do if I were a billionaire:

1. buy a house

2. pay off friends and families houses

3. give money to organisations and causes that need it, not, for instance, sporting arenas that need new seats, boohoo

4. go on a holiday

5. put the rest in the bank

Five jobs that I have had:

1. check out chick at bunnings

2. library faerie

3. mum

4. actor

5. singer in a band

Three of my habits:

1. biting my nails

2. eating when im not hungry

3. sleeping

Five places I have lived:

1. morphett vale

2. christie downs

3. christies beach

4. whyalla

5. in my own little world?

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

i have a lot to do today

ive just got home form school drop off, and now i should be sweeping, vacuuming, mopping, hanging out washing and doing dishes before i go to the doctor then come home for my house inspection

except i dont think im going to be able to do any of it

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

















Wednesday, May 28, 2008

look over there. isnt that sad. ive had to remove people from my links list.

look at my australian blogs section. thats very sad

if you are a blogger, australian or otherwise, let me know and i'll have a read. there are lots of people over there who dont update anymore and its getting pretty boring

so far today

* folded and sorted all clothes on kitchen table/floor (not put away. lazy!)
* sorted and cleared kitchen table after all clothes were removed. managed to throw some things away (managed to just move some things from table to somewhere else)
* took suitcase of dolls clothes etc into shed (brought in smaller suitcase of dolls clothes etc)
* decided to sell some dolls and clothes (instead of photographing them, have left them on the table)
* ate healthy - roast vegetables (eyeing off kids chocolate in the fridge. considering going to shops to buy chocolate. considered walking to shops. decided if i go, i shall be driving)
* cleaned shower (dont have a negative for that. go me)
* havent played ds today, is now 2pm (have very cold feet and want to be in bed playing ds now)


played ds. did one half of the island. put it away rather than doing second half
finished half of my kitchen, involving moving table, moving dolls house and sweeping
took photos of sellable stuff and advertised on ATP forum
took out recycling
have officially run out of time for today, will endeavour to continue tomorrow.*

*continuing tomorrow means missing out on being an extra in a film. i wont have anything to do in the film except sit in an audience. but. i dont know

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

sometimes i wish i had a boyfriend so that when it was night time i could say to my brain, ok brain, no need to run around thinking things willy nilly! you have a boyfriend! you can think about him! how easy is that, brain!? and my brain would say thankyou, and think about my boyfriend, and we'd fall asleep at a reasonable time and live happily ever after and everything would be peachy keen.

instead, after i turn my lamp off and roll over, i close my eyes and its game on. off we go, thinking about a million things at once. a lot of whys, and how comes. maybe's and should'ves. i miss him. im disappointed he didnt come over. i wonder if he will next weekend. i wonder if i'll ever even see him again. i wonder, had i not eaten all the bread, would it be different? would we have had a nicer day? i know he doesnt understand, but he'll just have to deal. i really wish i never met him.

these thoughts dont just belong to one 'he', not even only 2. and some of them apply to more than one. if i had a 'he' of my own, chances are my thoughts would be on him, at least mainly. things inside my head wouldnt be so complicated, so messy, so up in the air and unsolvable.

but thats just the first level. there's still the thoughts of the kids, exercise, cleaning my house (upcoming inspection, eep), all things that take time and effort. time i have a lot of. effort? none free, sorry. everything i need to do seem too hard, impossible even. so hard and impossible that things ive already achived become insignificant.

vacuumed today?
but only the lounge. what about the rest of the place?

did the dishes?
could have gone to the trouble of wiping the bench

have you eaten today?
a bag of pods is technically eating, but there is no nutritional value there. you'll just get fatter and sadder, fatter and sadder until you're doomed to spend the rest of your life, fat and alone in your disgusting house, thinking about boys who dont care about you enough to even give you a passing thought

today i had a salad

i guess thats a start


fingers intertwine but none of them are mine
im watching you from so far away
pushing buttons just to listen to you breathe

Saturday, May 24, 2008

happy birthday baby

happy birthday baby, originally uploaded by faeriegirlcarly.

big seven year old man

i love you

Monday, May 19, 2008

conversations that i have had today have been more important and special to me than any i've had in a long time

not so much what they were about, nothing important, but i guess thats the point. the fact that we spoke like that, about ordinary everyday things for 40 minutes and it was never awkward or strange, or stressed or forced, it was natural and calm and flowed like normal

and that was what mattered
wanna see something scary?

Sunday, May 18, 2008

x has just informed me, so, just incase you didnt know

jennifer aniston is famous
square eyes

i wonder if in the days before television, parents would tell their kids they'd get square eyes from reading too much? i doubt it.

in the last week i have read the poisonwood bible by barbara kingsolver, abandoned by anya peters, and the princess bride by s. morgenstern (abridged by william goldman version). next i'll be reading cloud atlas by david mitchell. basically, thats all i've been doing.

i've fallen into a kind of routine that isnt very...friendly? well, theres not room for friends, anyway. depending on the week, i wake up, grab my tea cup, turn on my computer on the way to the toilet, put my cup in the hall way, go to the toilet, grab my cup, go to the kitchen, make tea, return to bedroom. by then, my computer is ready to go. i check my emails (none, and spam. fantastic), open up all the blogs etc that i check, read those. during this time i drink my tea, and then i go back to bed.

i grab my ds and play animal crossing until my eyes close and i fall asleep. depending on whether i've shaken all the trees, when i wake up i will either continue playing or grab a book. it is warm in bed, and comfortable...and comforting. when i feel i have nothing to do, or...well, nothing, i can just close my eyes and burrow deeper and hope that when i wake up, things are brighter. instead, more often than not, when i wake up it is darker, both inside and out. i've successfully wasted another day, gone a whole day without speaking to a person (and really, telling a cat to get out of the way isnt exactly a conversation anyway), and pretty soon its time to turn the lights off and do it all again.

i could be handling this differently. "i think comfort at the bottom of a bottle is in order for my depression. that and bad music". i know a couple of people who have done it, or are doing it, this way. and maybe thats, in a way, healthier because at least they're out, seeing people, breathing outside air, talking, moving.

i was trying to decide if i should do that or not last night. i could have. i had invitations. but i would have been doing it on my own, and thats not something i can do at the moment.

im not sure how i managed when i first started going out. i guess it was different then. turning up to a pub by myself wasnt that bad because i knew that sooner or later, 10 or so people that i knew would be there. but now i just dont know. its a whole new crowd. its younger, and its different, and there are less of us.
now it seems safer to stay home in bed, read books, and look at the same internet pages over and over until my eyes are almost bleeding so im hopeful that sleep might actually come when i close them

i burned my hand on friday. it really hurt. i was filling my tea cup from an electric urn on the wall in the council chambers, and the water hit the bottom of the cup, and bounced back up and over my hand.

i needed a bandage

i took it off today to have a look. it only hurts sometimes, something between and ache and a sting. its not as big as i thought, but the skin is yucky and dry and has started to peel and thats quite quite gross

thankfully, you dont really need massive mobility in your hands to play the glockenspiel. ben and i have been asked to play at the ed castle on friday night, supporting bing goes to monaco. i know nothing more than that, but if and when i find out, i'll let you know

Saturday, May 17, 2008

prof mcgonagle

prof mcgonagle, originally uploaded by faeriegirlcarly.

could it be? the reason banjo is such a people cat is that she is, actually, people?

when i saw her with the wand, i couldnt help but wonder...

Thursday, May 15, 2008

my phone and how much i hate it

it was good when i first got it. a novelty to be able to take photos, and yay! the prospect of having cool songs on my phone. like a walkman, without the tapes and headphones! how cool

in reality tho, it holds no songs, except the beginning of all my loving my jim sturgess (not that im complaining about that) and the photos are pretty shit


thats not even what im complaining about

first, this happens

*artists impression

big annoying crack in the screen, and now, when people call me, i dont know who it is! stupid phone says 'call' not whos calling, not even the number. which is shit, because what if someone calls me that i dont want to speak to? how will i know? but mostly, since im always missing calls, i dont know who it is that calls me cos it doesnt record the caller id. the last time this happened was a couple of hours ago, so, if it was you who called me, call again

and, in future, if you call and i dont answer, message me, or i just wont know, and thats sad

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

why living down here is so good

apart from the fact that i can go to school/the shops in pretty much any clothes i want, be that pyjamas or daggy baggy tracksuit, its also amusing to walk through a shopping centre, witness a 10ish year old boy being dragged along by a parental figure, screaming 'let me go! put me on welfare' over and over again its also amusing to look at the people around who, who arent gasping in horror, but laughing and thinking, 'sucks to be you old man' or 'if you were mine you would have been in welfare years ago', or, the one i imagine people were thinking most 'oh, im so glad thats not my child'

Monday, May 12, 2008

its about time

its been almost two years, but i've finally made an actual start on my photos from france. its hard. i dont really want to think about them, or how i was feeling, or what i was doing when i was taking them. even though a lot of those times were happy, some of them were sad.

i wish i took one last photo of tom by himself, as i left him at the airport

the last photo i have is this one

i stopped taking them when we started crying

Sunday, May 11, 2008

mother's day

today i swept, vacuumed and washed the floors.

but before that, i got these

Saturday, May 10, 2008

new words i have learned today

laguar - like a jaguar, but a loser. hence the l. this applies to people who have long nails
lerson - like a person, but a loser. hence the l
le* - like e, but a loser. hence the l

are we sensing a pattern here?

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

e: can i go bike riding?
me: yes, out the back
e: but there's no space there
me: i dont care. out the back
e: why cant i go out the front?
me: because i dont know who else is out there. people might take you
e: no they wont. and even if they say come with me i'll just say no
me: they might not ask you, they'll just take you
e: yeah, well i'll just bite them. and even if they say im feral i wont care

x: hey mum, guess what?
me: what?
x: we're getting a new kid in our class
me: cool
x: his name is noah
me: cool
e: does he wear white shoes?
x: ...... i dont know

Sunday, May 04, 2008

at some point i am going to comment about this post, but right now, i'd just like you to read it
The books listed below are "the top 106 books most often marked as 'unread' by LibraryThing’s users."

Bold the ones you've read, underline the ones you read for school, italicise the ones you started but didn't finish, asterix the ones you actually own but haven’t read.

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi : a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick*
Madame Bovary*
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
The Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies
War and Peace*
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler’s Wife
The Iliad
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran : a memoir in books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Wicked : the life and times of the wicked witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian : a novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault’s Pendulum
The Count of Monte Cristo
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible : a novel
Angels & Demons
The Inferno
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver’s Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela’s Ashes : a memoir
The God of Small Things
A People’s History of the United States : 1492-present
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake : a novel
Collapse : how societies choose to fail or succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics : a rogue economist explores the hidden side of everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance : an inquiry into values
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity’s Rainbow
The Hobbit
In Cold Blood : a true account of a multiple murder and its consequences
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers