Wednesday, July 31, 2002

as for now i'm gonna hear the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder how you're making out. but as for me i wish that i was anywhere with anyone making out.

screaming infididelities
dashboard confessional
conflicting emotions:

matt says to me that he can't even look at me sometimes. he also says that he can see things working, that he can't see things working, that he's giving us 6 months then that's it, that we should break up now, and that we should have another baby.
none of this is helping. i know he can't help what he's feeling as much as anyone involved in this right now. i still keep coming back to the me moving away idea. at least for a while. although, it's looking like staying away from sean hasnt been such a good idea. we're arguing more now than we ever have. i'm contemplating calling him now but i'm scared that holly will answer, and i don't think that either of us are ready to talk with each other right now. i think that now would be the best time because we'll be more than honest since both of us are still reeling from things that have been said. it's almsot like the original problem has been taken over by all these stupid ones...we need to sort this out.

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

my car is broken again. and probably well and truly broken. according to brett and my uncle robert, it's looking like i'll need a new radiator. i'm considering just selling my car for $1000 and saying it needs a new radiator. whatever happens, none of this is helping the factthat i need a car by thursday morning and it's not looking like it's gonna happen. i have yoga at 10 on thursday, then my councelling appointment at 12 and then on friday i have playgroup at 10:45 and a doctors appointment at 12:30. i have to get her to look at my jaw. for about 3 months now i havent been able to open it properly. matt was mad at me this morning for not kissing him properly, and when i tried my jaw made this really loud cracking sound and it hurt so badly. dunno whats going on, im wondering if its an infection in my gum or something...dunno...guess i'll find out, but only if i can get a car by thursday. i just worked out when my jaw started hurting. it was the day after i spoke to holly on the phone at the beginning of june.....i talked about this in my first ever entry, so, yeah, that long ago. stupid mouth
you know, not one thing i wrote in my last post was meant to be a go at any one.

i was looking forward to talking to sean on wednesday, just not about *stuff*
yes i would have asked about holly, but only how she was since sean had gone
holly can write whatever she wants in her blog, i wasnt taking offence to it at all, i was just saying how matt felt about it
i write things in my blog because its stuff i need to get out, not to any one in particular, just get out in the open
to sean : i didnt email you this week and i've already told you why
i wasn't taking that whole link as a joke, just the picture of the guy and his name, not what he was saying

i really think this should be recording my voice so people can hear what i'm saying, not just read it. fuck
yeah...i don't really know anymore. it's been a weird few days. i havent been on the computer much, save for typing in here, and i think it's been good for me. i know that i'm going to have to face other people and sort this stuff out sooner or later, and going by an email i got, it seems that it's going to be sooner, ie, wednesday, but i'm not looking forward to it. i guess it's not really something to look forward to, anyway, but what i mean is that i feel like if i start talking about it in depth again, im going to undo all the good that matt and i have done in the last week or so. i know that sean deserves an explanation, although i have explained, i know that he'll need me to do it again, and holly....well, i dont know, i'll just leave that. when she is ready to talk to me then she can, i'll be here. by the looks of things, it's going to be going on for a long time before this goes to the back of people's minds and stays there. 1

why do i always feel the need to explain *every* sentance i write, as if i'm going to be questioned later about it?

of course it's going to take a long time, i know that. i just want to stop focusing on the past. that part of my life is finished now. i dont talk to him, he doesnt talk to me, we dont communicate in anyway, sure, i think about him, but i'm being made to by people asking me questions all the time. YES i know that it's up to me what i talk and think about, and that i make all my decisions, but, make your minds up people, do you want me to talk about it or not? of course i have to think about him if you're asking.

at this point i'd like to point out that *you* doesnt mean anyone in particular, it just means my general public, you know, the thousands upon millions of people who stop by here on a regular basis. but, if you'd like to take something personally, go ahead, there is a comments box after all.

i got sent a link to a site that is supposed to help me work some stuff out. form what i read of it, i can see where it is coming from, i just dont think i can read the whole thing. if it was on paper maybe, i cant read large amounts of text on a computer screen.

lol, i was taking it more seriously until i saw his photo and found out that his name was elvis....teehee

i dont know. i've really had enough of it all. on top of what i have done, im having to comfort matt for things he should have spoken about....jeez, years ago. and things seem to be moving along pretty quickly with certain people, so he's feeling like he's being left behind again, that he doesnt matter. it's hard for him, really hard, and from what i found out earlier, hard for other people as well.

i will be naming names in this section.

i feel that holly should have handled the sean situation a lot differently than she has with matt. he is hurting really badly and i think that she needs to be more sympathetic to his feelings. ok, she may not feel for him what she does for sean, thats fair enough, and she may not feel for him what he does for her, thats fair enough as well, but she needs to talk to him about it, not leave him hanging around. he doubts that anything at all will come of this now, partly by my doing, but also because of sean (when i say sean, this is a completely different one from any other mention of sean you may find in'd think they could be spelt differently at least ). holly once said to me that she couldnt understand how i could still hang around and be friends with daniel if matt didnt like him.. this was way before anything happened and also way before he had even met him. she said that i should value matts feelings on this and not see him anymore. it's ridiculous to imagine that holly would not see sean because of matts feelings, thats not fair at all, but i would think that she'd at least have talked to him about it, found out a bit more about how he felt about all of this.

ok, quiz time :Brought to you by the
NYU Department of Psychiatry

Bearing grudges

Indifference to praise or criticism

Strange day dreams or fantasies

Magical thinking influencing behavior

Unstable and intense relationships

Feelings of emptiness



Need for excessive advice and reassurance

Based on the above answer(s), your personality traits might be associated with following personality type(s):

Schizotypal Personality

Borderline Personality

sometimes i wonder if it would be better for everyone, involved or not, if i was just locked up for a while. i remember a couple of episodes of love is a four letter word where albee got locked up in a pysch hospital because she tried to stab that woman...cant remember her name...oh yeah, 'the fox' with a pair of scissors. she didnt really look any happier, but she looked safe.

Results of the Anxiety Test
Anxiety Index

Your score = 70

What does your score mean?
According to your score on the Anxiety Test, you are quite anxious - more so than most people around you. Your anxiety seems to have become problematic in your day-to-day life. It could be holding you back from doing necessary things, putting a damper on experiences that have the potential to be wonderful, or causing some problems in your relationships. The good news, though, is that you can change. Step one on the road to recovery is realizing that suffering from anxiety is not your fault. And know that you are not alone - a large percentage of people suffer from various degrees of anxiety. Consider talking to a professional who can help you get over your anxious feelings.

Monday, July 29, 2002

aah, there they are :)
blogger!!! please dont eat my posts again!
i made some faerie bread. that cheered me up. i know there will be some people out there declaring that i dont deserve to be cheery, but wishing uncheeryiness on people just isnt right. anyway, i'm straying from the topic at hand. cheery. i think i'm getting cheerier because i can see that everything is going to work out fine. it's helping matt too. instead of focusing on the 'carly is a bitch, i want to kill daniel' side of things, he's trying to think of all the nice times we've had since all this happened. my idea is that if we think of that everytime we think something bad, then sooner or later, all we'll do is think the good things cos we've trained ourselves to let our minds concentrate only on the happy times, and not dwell on the sad and frustrating. thinking about that is a waste of time. it's a waste of time where we could be being happy together.
it's weird how guilt is presenting itself. i bought matt a flower. he asked me why and i said it was because i saw it and thought of him. he thinks that that was guilt. last night, matt watched clerks and mallrats, (we have chasing amy and dogma to go), and i sat up and made things for holly. i dont know if or when i'll be game enough to send them to her. i'm scared she'll throw it away, or burn it, or that i'd make things worse by sending it. i'm thinking of something for sean too, but, although not to the same extent, i'm thinking the same worries about him as i am with holly.

Sunday, July 28, 2002

it's funny how much not thinking helps. i mean, everything still hits occasionally, but for the most part it's been good. M and i had a good day yesterday. we dropped the boys off at M's parents house and went for a bushwalk and a picnic down at this gorge past glenside. M found it while i was at helen mayo, letting them find out if i was crazy or not....'do you get messages from things like microwaves and toasters?' we walked down through all these gullys and little trails, it was really green, but not really slippery, although M fell over twice. the only time i freaked out was when i almost touched a used tampon. nice. a few steps further there was an empty condom wrapper. if that doesn't spell hurried teenage sex, i dont know what does. anyway, we had an olive foccacia with metwurst and cheese, saladas with spicy capsicum dip, and for desert M had a finger bun and i had an apple scroll. yum.
we found this little hollow thing, it was just like out of lord of the rings. you could just imagine a ringwraith riding down the hill, and some hobbits scurrying behind the fallen tree stumps and hiding in the long grass. we followed a little trail and found a kind of a clearing, surrounded by cliff faces. and there was this owl in the tree. it was so still. owls amaze me. they look so sturdy, they're so strong, smart, patient, and underneath all those feathers they're tiny things, fragile. it followed us around with it's little 360 degree turning head. cute. and we kissed. and it was a nice kiss, not hurried and forced. M went to kiss me and as i started kissing back, my head said, 'stop trying to force things, they'll happen eventually', but then i told myself to shut up, i switched off my brain for a little while and i kissed like i wanted to, but didn't let myself before.

we had a good day.

we also bought a funky lounge. emptied our savings again, but we dont have any big bills for a couple of weeks, so we should be ok. it's a sofa bed, so, if our visitor/visitors do come, they can sleep on that. it's pretty comfy actually, considering how old it is. we think it's from the 50's or 60's. it was made by american steel supplies and it got bought out over here. it's really cute.

M's having a kind of down day. there are things that he needs to talk about with certain people but he's scared. his worrys are about one person in particular...well, two i guess, but he doesnt feel like he has a right to feel them. in his words, 'she isnt mine'. he asked to read H's blog, we started reading and, as i am a faster reader than him, i read some words first that i knew he couldnt see. i told him to stop but he kept reading. he's really sad and hurt and i don't know what to do for him. i'm trying though.

Friday, July 26, 2002

the sun is shining and i'm freezing
coming over
the whitlams

can you divide the meaning
by the number of your words?
the money in your pocket
by the masters that you serve?
it's not the destination, it's what's around the curve

coming over to come down
gotta talk to you before i hit the ground
yeah i think it's gonna take all night

the week is slippin away from me
something isn't right
might be better to sweat it out
but i don't know how to fight myself anymore

over to come down
gotta talk to you before i hit the ground
yeah i think its' gonna take all night

takes me a while to taper off
i like a long ramp down
so i am a little shaky
a little moisture on my brow
continuing on my 'trying not to think about it' theme, i did a few tests today, and the results were :
[you are a barfing pumpkin]
What Really Weird Thingy Are You? Find out @ blackhole

Who's your daddy?? Find out @ blackhole

heehee, you can see his bum AND his man boobs

What kind of soda are you?? Find out @ blackhole

[ you are plankton ]
Which Spongebob Squarepants Character Are You?? Find out @ blackhole

ive been trying to concentrate on the now and the future, not on the past. i had a good talk with mary on thursday. she said i have to stop hurting myself and thinking i need to hurt more, because in the whole scheme of things, it's not like i killed someone. what i did was bad, but it wasnt that bad. and yes it hurt people, but they will get over it and so will i. i also have to stop matt from hurting me. the way he's doing it isnt going to help. it's just sending me further away. i tried to switch off, and it worked, but i kept getting flashes from when i was little, and that scared me. matt was crying, telling me he wasnt him, wondering if what he did was rape. i guess not, since i consented in a way. it still hurt, and now the safe place i had is gone. i need to get that stuff sorted out too. its coming out too much lately.
matt wanted to buy X a toy last night, but it was almost $30 so i said no. i told him all he needs from him is love. then i had to go and say, 'ooh, look! clearance stickers" which happened to be over by the girls clothes. i didnt even look at them, ikept looking at toys, but matt got mad at me and said i was being selfish and inconsiderate again. he doesnt understand how i could have gone shopping with sharyn, and bought all those things. i just needed to get away from thinking about it for a while. even though it was all that we talked about, it was good to feel good again. made me realise that it was possible that i dont have to be sad and sorry for myself and others for the rest of my life. im going to try and do that with matt on the weekend. try and get his mind off of things. mary said that was a good idea. she said we needed time away from it, to have a couple of days off from talking about it. H says i dont deserve to feel good. maybe she's right. but maybe if she could let go of her hatred for a little while she might start feeling good to. and we can all start fixing this. i know she thinks its all my fault, and that i am the one who needs to fix things, but knowing that she's mad at me all the time and that whenever i say something or S is talking to me, that she gets mad, just makes me not want to say anything to anyone. i dont want to ruin things anymore than they already are. she can think what she wants about this, i mean, she doesnt need my permission, of course, but that's the way i'm feeling about it.
so my homework from mary was to promise not to hurt myself, not to let matt hurt me, and not to let him hurt himself.
i'm trying

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

the things that are hurting are things that shouldnt be. i got a phone call to say goodbye and i cried more than i have for anything else to do with this. even cried while M was here. everything just hit me. i dont have anyone anymore. all the people who are important to me arent really here anymore, they're just floating around pretending. it's all my fault and as much as i say sorry i'm not apologising for the right things so things will never be right again.i've been asked to make the decision today. all i can decide is that i want this to end and things to be happy again. i cant decide where i want to be and who i want to be with for this to happen. im supposed to call to find out how much money we can get from the government. M is going to quit and be a stay at home dad. he said if i go i'm not to come back.

Tuesday, July 23, 2002


hot and steamy, stings my face but i stay there
wrist bangs against the hot steel, leave it there just a while longer
what is blunt should be sharp, so it would cut not just bruise
shouldnt be so hard to slice through

could make it easier but im too afraid
scared and weak, too much of a coward
'dont care if i cant climb out'
want to stay where i can feel
weak like a soft grass, cant even stand up to the breeze
nothing like air, dissappearing on a cold day
dark and empty like that place you could never go when you were young
too scary to venture in, 'what if i don't come out?'

see it? its dark but its strangely warm
maybe it's comfy
maybe you want to stay a while
maybe you can find a place just for you

lost in all the words and phrases
looking for the feelings, cant find them here
digging and digging, sorting through the mess
steel seems soft and just like home

it stings and it aches and it hurts
but in the end there is really nothing
she is really nothing
its all superficial, whats put out

its the things you put in that are real

Monday, July 22, 2002

cries too hard
the whitlams

torch the moon, burn the schools
she wrote in red on her bedroom wall -
'nothing's pure', the paint runs to the floor

she laughs too easily and cries too hard
shouldnt drink alone, the colours run
how can she forgive
when we know well what we do?

feather scratches on her wrist
dry run with a bread knife for a final twist
it wouldnt be for show if it should come to this

she was born to feel it all, to see it all
when i feel so lightly its still burning brightly
and she wont look away

torch the moon, burn the schools
why's it a man making all the rules
frida khalo poster on her door
holding me down and still and pushing in and out and tears from my eyes and his and it falls from my mouth and then more tears and then nothing

Sunday, July 21, 2002


he stares and she stares back and they laugh and they keep walking. she forgets about the boy, except for his deep dark eyes, she forgets about the staring, except for conjuring stories or long distance love, he is all forgotten in a week.

see the man, his face is new, it doesn't freeze her feet to the floor or buckle her knees, her legs turning to crepe paper, her heart ramming against her ribs, her stomach in her throat until she sees it isn't him. he's just a man.

quiet confidence walking eyes downcast she isn't hiding she's just thinking all alone but surrounded by friends happy and healthy no secrets.


things that float and shimmer make me safe make me feel like i belong where i know im lost i float i shrink i shine i sparkle i become invisible its warm its safe its cosy warm its dark i can see i see it all so clearly now


he runs his hands up over her soft, thick set thighs, his fingers find dimples and patches of rough skin. lifts his head and feasts his eyes on the rolls of her plump belly, her ragged, deep breathing filling her torso and making her appear even larger than she is. lowers his head again, brushing his unshaven face against the curls of her pubic hair, not shaved or waxed, the smell is musty after a long day of work. breasts fall against her body, sagging without her bra, her hair is unwashed and hangs loosely around her face. pulls him up to kiss her. unbrushed teeth knock together. holds him tight, her bitten nails trying to dig into his back. kneels above her and his stomach sags a little. pushes his cock into her slowly and they move together like they always have. slow faster she moans he sighs faster pushes hard against her she moans he sighs he falls heavily on her. kiss on the cheek. reminder to pay the gas bill. see you in the morning.

message for H

again, i feel the need for some clarification

'Nice to know she can let lose and have fun when she's blatanly hurting everyone else, ruining everyone else's good time.' = bought the tickets way before everything happened. no one else knows the complete story about anything, just like no one else really knows on your side of the world, so its not like i can talk about it in detail with anyone, although, what i could say i said as soon as sharyn and i got talking

'Cuddled with some strange man, wonder if that means she fucked him' = sat on the lounge with my head on jak's shoulder and talked for about five minutes while sharyn got a texta tatoo

'M said he didn't expect her home until 7am, though she got home at 5. Think that means he suspects she's a raging whore?' = supermild doesn't close until 6am, and time flies in there. it's a fun place to be

'This especially struck me: "i had a good view of jak, who kept smilimg at me all night. so i thought i'd take advantage of that, and afterwards we went up to him.. " Uh huh, going after more men with malice, not thinking about what it would do to anyone else if they really knew the truth, especially Matt. I"m SO sure your intention was to just "talk." You don't go up to people who you've been eye flirting with all night just to talk. And of course this "friend" of yours is still supporting you in this, even if she's mad at you for doing what you did to Matt, because she's just as bad and hates her boyfriend, too.So what the heck, let's go for an orgy with the band, we don't have anything we really need to be caring about, right? And if we really DO get into something, we can jsut blame it on depression and bad relationships that we do nothing to fix because we really don't want to admit it's us that is fucking them up, rock! And of course all you do IS take advantage. Nice to see you actually recognize it. At least you're admitting you're a bitch, even if it is very close to being a freudian slip there.' = so if you were there with us you wouldnt be excited and come along? you dont know sharyn, so don't judge her, you have no right

'Unlike me, you are perfectly physically capable of maintaining a job, you're just lazy -- you even admit to not cleaning the house.' my house is clean. and the chronic fatigue thing that my doctor diagnoses then takes away because after a few minutes of talking about it, he says he doesnt believe in it...that doesnt count? i dont go out to work because i stay home and work by looking after my children

'You don't love your children, you see them as mistakes that screwed up your life even though it was you who was too much of an idiot to take your birth control pills correctly,' = you have the right to comment about things you know about, things you think you know, and things you believe in. what you dont have the right to do is insult my love for my children. i cant believe i have to battle against you about this. i took all my pills, both times i got pregnant.

'it's going to have to end -- either between she and him, or he and I' = it wont come to this, if it does, it will end between he and i because we all know that that is the right thing to happen

Ender Will Save Us All
by Dashboard Confessional

It's just like you to contest
you wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
with your charm & in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise.

I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is is you need?
Is it within me?

It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you.

The harder I push the further I fall.
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.
But you don't want to sing along.
Maybe it's trite but I can always be wrong
Try not to be wrong.

Brendan Benson

What are you trying to do to me?
I closed my eyes, I don't want to see
I don't to hear about you and him
I just want to know if it's love that you're in

'Cause you can't possibly be serious about him girl
And he's got to be delirious if he thinks he can win

With a not-so-pretty face
He's come to take my place
She's easily amused
And I know 'cause she fell for the same tricks
I once used

The things you say and the things you do
I've added them up and they don't compute
I give you an inch and you take a mile
You can't say no 'cause it ain't your style girl

And it's obvious to me that he thinks he's gonna score
But it's not the case, you say you're only friends and nothing more

But it makes perfect sense
And I speak from experience
She's easy to persuade
She's a piece of cake he thinks he's got her made

You said goodbye to him a long, long time ago
You changed your mind I guess
But you never let me know
You keep me guessing
I'm always guessing wrong, always wrong

With a not-so-pretty face
And a poorly thrown ceramic vase
It makes perfect sense
And I speak from experience
She's easily confused

Brendan Benson

In her past there's lots of people
I know them by their names

Some of them rushed by like water
Some of them were flames

Each and all knew a different girl
Someone I've never met
They went with her to parties
Good times she'll not forget

And here I come with empty hands
Ready to receive
And I just hope she doesn't change
Her mind and want to leave

Please, you got to stay with me
Things will get better eventually
So girl stick it out with me
I feel a change coming over me

I came 'long at a time when she
Had offers left and right
I gave her all I had to give
All my best insight

Now she sees the uselessness
The nonsense of it all
She understands the ways of men
Kicking in the stall

I've got the feeling I did harm
No good there have I done
I see her in the shit that once was mine
Of which she asked for none

And sometimes when I look at her
I see a different girl
I wonder what she's thinking
And if she's not part of my world

Pleasure Seeker
Brendan Benson

Drip drip drip drip outside my window
A head full of zip sleeps on my pillow
And it must be a phase that I'm in
'Cause I can't explain to begin
Could be a permanent thing
But it feels like a meaningless fling

The man in the pink, such a mild-mannered fellow
He gave me a wink and a good-natured hello
Lately I'm tired all the time
Guilty of the worst kind of crime
A game I can't possibly win
When I keep getting kicked in the shin

I'm just so far gone
I don't know what planet I'm on
I wanna come down
Taken it hard for so long
I don't know what's right or what's wrong with me

I'm coming down

(Such a funny creature)
When I drink I feel mellow
And if I think I'm Saul Bellow
And lately I do as I please
Don't much care for who disagrees
Could be a permanent thing
Feels like a meaningless fling

And they say that I'm just a pleasure seeker

Saturday, July 20, 2002

i didn't get home till 5 o'clock this morning. i had such a good night. sharyn and i went to the gov and had a nice dinner of some chicken with cheese and spinach thing wrapped in filo pastry with a mustardy kind of sauce, and then a jaffa cake with orange sauce for desert. then i saw the whitlams. amazing, i love the new stuff, i had such a good time and we scored really good seats right at thr front. i had a good view of jak, who kept smilimg at me all night. so i thought i'd take advantage of that, and afterwards we went up to him and talked a bit and he put our names on the door for the next show. wahoo! two shows for the price of one.
got a good spot for the late show, jak saw me again and kept smiling. i later found out that it was because my eyes remind him of his 12 year old nephew, ruperts. apparently he told this to another girl too and she punched him in the chest and ran off. he didnt believe that we were 24 and 25, or that we both had two kids either. he thought we were only about 18. i thought he was 26-27 and he's 33.
THEN he invited us to go to the supermild with him and terepai. yay! it was so cool. we danced around for a couple of hours to funky music form the 70's and even the forties i think. terepai drew a butterfly and a wave on my arm with black permanent texta. and we danced and we danced and we got a free lemon squash from the guy at the bar, and i cuddled with jak and listened to him tell me about how he wishes peeople could just cuddle and not feel guilty about it. since we have the same views on that, we had a good chat.
terepai showed me a photo of his little boy. so cute, looks just like his daddy. i had a different purse so i didnt have any pics, but shayrn did and everyone laughed at zac and coopers funny baby duck hair.
we danced like chickens, mice, butterflys and showed off our best moves and then it was time to go home. we didnt want to go and they didnt want us to, but it was past 4 by that stage. when i got home M said he didnt expect me until after 7.


You made me hard, you made me cold
I was simple, but now I know

Nobody wants to be the weak one
We all want to go from strength to strength

You made me hard, you made me strong
I was simple but not for long

Nobody wants to be the weak one
We all want to go from strength to strength
If I could go back in time, well I wouldn't change a thing
I wouldn't change a thing

I brought to you a kind disposition
You led me on and you rejected me
It took a while but I've accepted
I learnt a slow and painful lesson

You made me hard, you made me strong
I was simple but not for long

I wonder what you find so attractive
I've never seen you looking this excited
So let's just leave it at one third each
'Cause we both want something so far out of reach

You made me hard, you made me cold
I was simple but now I know
Now I know


We fall into old habits
Talk about giving it up after getting right on
Letter to your mother says you're doing everything you can
And I'm glad that she won't get the joke

You're as free as a ten year old
With a room of your very own
Doesn't matter at all what all those people say at home
With your good humour you're a hero

And you can stop them dragging you down
They've got nothing better to do
Sometimes you've got to laugh in their faces

i want to do it again

Friday, July 19, 2002

well, i've finally done it. after years of trying, hearing all about it from other people and just wishing it was me, it finally is. and ok, it may only be once, but today it's me. yes, my friends, i have risen to the position of 'the one who gets the barnacle bills for lunch' i know i know!! calm down. it was a shock for me as well. and i've been told that you really dont get to have that much because he likes to take the leftovers home for tea, but its not the point. i may well get a prawn today. can you feel my excitement?? of course this means that i have to clean my house so we can eat, but thats ok. i can see that the payback will be worth it. i even bought some yummy apple scroll cakes for desert, AND they were marked down cos it was the end of the day. helloooo bargain shopper. (hello :) teehee )

on a sadder note, i have sunken to the lows of suburban motherhood. because of my impending yoga class next week, i have been forced to go out and buy a pair of stretchy pants. i know...its scary. soon i'l be wearing huge jumpers that go down to my knees, bleaching my hair till its blonde and scratchy with black roots, and yelling at my kids while im digging around under the seat of my ford escort for money so i can buy a packet of winnie blues. ok, so i dont think it'll go that far. but im kinda worried cos i put them on this morning without a reason. i have a perfectly good pair of pyjamas sitting there as well as matts warm trackie pants ( yeah, i know they're pretty daggy too, but they're comfy). at these stretchy pants arent faded black with baggy knees like the mums from hackham west would wear. they're bright red with a white stripe down the leg, and they flare out at the bottom. maybe they could even be considered funky? i know i'm clutching at straws, i know.....we'll just have to see how this unfolds...

Thursday, July 18, 2002

H "I love the feeling of being in his arms. I'm even elated at just being able to sit beside him, like I am right now, and hang out with him while watching tv. I love him so much."

i wish i could feel even an inch of this
What's Your Superpower?

Stop the clock! Your inner superpower is TIMETRAVEL! Your answers show a keen sense of insight for all the mysteries of time. Whether you enjoy reminiscing about thepast or find yourself lost in thoughts of the future, your energies definitely point away from the present.
Maybe you're mere seconds ahead or behind the rest of us, but you could also be days or even years out of sync. Your unique position in time and space gives you a wider perspective on daily events and makes you an especially wise person. You're probably a great planner. And since time is yours to play with, it's almost a given that you manage it well. If you haven't yet taken a trip through the fourth dimension, you're in for the ride of your life. Don't delay! Visit the future. Fix the past. And when you come across a very special moment, make it last as long as you like.

Don't go bananas — in your former life you were a tiny monkey named Oompa. Here's what we know about you: Adorably sweet demeanor and sharp as a tack, you found success working with a street performer named Juan, who worshipped you and treated you like his own child. He bought you a gold satin jumpsuit with royal blue ruffles, a matching top hat, and a sequined bag for donations. He would play your favorite disco tunes on his accordion, prompting you to dance around and flirt with the crowd while you collected spare change and picked pockets. Everybody loved you. And you loved everybody. You and Juan took your gig around the country and raked in the riches. You were one happy little monkey.


Are You Loony?

To borrow a phrase from Forrest Gump, loony is as loony does. You know how true that is — in fact, you've embraced it. Because while you certainly have your moments of insanity, you know when to say when. Sure, you get a kick out of occasionally doing and saying things other people think are goofy or off-the-wall — you're a real sucker for being the center of attention now and again — but there are plenty of times when you'd just as soon be calmer and more serious.
The same goes for expressing your emotions. No stranger to strong feelings, you choose your battles and control your highs and lows, saving your emotional outbursts for when you need them most. After all, fun and craziness are all well and good, in the right time and place, but balancing your "up" and "down" times earns you more respect in the long run. Not nearly as nutty as a fruitcake — but maybe giving Pralines 'n' Cream a run for its money — you're the perfect mix of impulse and restraint.

Which Candy Heart Are You?

little faerie girl, your candy heart says Be Good!

It's not too surprising that "Be Good" is what your candy heart says. You've probably been hearing it all your life. From your third grade teacher, to your last serious relationship, there's just that little bit of mischief about you that keeps people on their toes. Could be the glimmer that your eyes get when you think of doing something you're not exactly supposed to be doing, like sneaking the last cookie from the plate or secretly filling your glass with the final sips of wine?
Were your parents reluctant to leave you at home without a chaperone? But overall, it's that impish sense of good fun that keeps people enamored by your charm.

People can't help but want to be around you. So when loved ones throw their arms around you, they really do mean it — even if their parting words are always, "Be Good".

Love of a lifetime…
"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."
-Winnie The Pooh


Wednesday, July 17, 2002

M and i hugged last night. i know it sounds stupid but it was a bit of a struggle for me. he asked for a hug. and its weird, it's like, as soon as he asks for something i dont want to do it. i think its because i get mad at myself for not being able to just do it in the first place. like i should have known he wanted a hug, or should have just done it because i wanted to. and also, when he asks, i feel like if i do do it, that he'll think i'm just doing it because he asked, not because i actually want to. my head is all too complicated. i cant help the stuff that zooms arounds in there. i just let it keep circling and i think and think and think and over think. and then i get sick of thinking, and i just want to get away because it seems no matter how much i think about it, i cant come up with a solution that helps everyone.
we had a cuddle. it was ok. it was warm and i didnt have something poking at me until right at the end. he was saying that he understands the hugging thing. 'you only hug people who you know are 'safe". i'm glad he gets it. i know he isnt happy about it but at least he can kinda grasp at what is going on with me.
i also said that i loved him too, when he said i love you to me on the phone. he had to ask me if i said it cos he wasnt sure if he heard it right. when i was saying that i did say it, i got all shy and felt funny. he thought it was cute, and he was happy that things seem to be starting to get back on track again.
so am i

it's so nice to have a cuddle
with a person that you love
feels so good to have a snuggle
with a person that you love
when im happy or in trouble
i run fast, right on the double
just to sit and have a cuddle
with a person that i love

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

I'm a Triangle!

take the "Geometric Figure" test at Unparalleled!

'Congratulations! Your general IQ score is 121.
A person whose IQ score falls in the range of 111-128 is considered to be "above average intelligence". '

hmm, except that i guessed at lot of those cos i was worried about taking too much time answering.....

Which "Natural Wonder" are you?

Which tarot card are you?

I Am A Small Purple Paramecium
Take the What Will Your Result To This Quiz Be? Quiz
by napoleonherself, if you are so inclined.

What is YOUR Highschool label?

Take the Bear Quiz by Krysten

hmmm...quizzing again?? what responsibilies are you hiding from now?

you have an ominosity quotient of


you are really ominous.

find out your ominosity quotient

What Psych-Ward do you belong to?

Which PPG are you?

*frowning frowning frowning*
ok, in no particular order...the hugging people i was talking about were M's brother and H. i was talking about it because of the mail i got from S that said how i can hug H as soon as she walks in the room.
she was also the person i have a crush on.
i don't expect anything when i hug someone, its just that when i do hug someone, mainly M, i get hugged for a few seconds and then groped. so, sorry if that's what sticks in my head everytime but it's matt you should be capitilzing things to about that, not me, cos it's him that put it in my head. i'm not totally staying away from the blame for that one, it's my fault too...( the whole, if i did things with him more often, he wouldnt think that every sign of affection is a sign that i want sex), but i'm not taking all of it.

'Stop thinking everyone thinks like you and the world will be easier. '

you don't say. i dont think that everyone thinks like me. i know i see things differently to other people. doesn't mean that of all the ways things are seen, that one of them is right.

warren shot buffy AND tara. warren! warren who is so pathetic he had to make a robot version of his girlfirend so that she'd love him. warren, who lives in his mates basement with his two geek friends, as they make plans to take over the world and worry about their action figure collection at the same time. 'don't touch that! it's an original vintage 1979 boba fett action figure!'
i hate warren. i hate him for shooting buffy. i hate him for shooting tara more just when she and willow were getting back together. and i hate him for leaving andrew and jonathan to take the wrap for everything. especially andrew 'how could he do this to' cos he loves him so much. andrew has always been my favourite out of the three geeks. warren is just nasty and jonathan is too whiny. andrew is cute. anyway...warren shot tara! and it looks like she's dead. buffy will be ok of course so im not really worried about her. it's tara im upset about.

on a completely different note


there are two people, ( that i know of) who have a problem with my hugging habits. both of them have the same problem, although they're concerning different people. the problem is that i can hug certain people no problem at all, snuggle and all that, bit with the people who i 'should' be hugging with no problem at all......wondering if should is the right word....i can't seem to do it.
i think the problem is that hugging those people, even if it is completely innocent, is hard because it shows something that...i dont know...its just easier to hug someone who doesnt have feelings for you like that...its easier because there isnt any expectation for ANYTHING, regardless of what the hug was for in the first place. in saying that, its not that i don't have feelings for the people im of them in particular i have a major crush on....the other is practically family, so..yeah...i guess it's hard to explain for someone who has their head together.

bah pah feh
hee hee...if you say that right it almost sounds like boba fett...two references to star wars in one blog, M would be proud.

well, i could sit her and blog on till the cows come home, but i you next time

Monday, July 15, 2002

oh yeah! that's what i was going to say. speaking of tv, monday nights are the best nights for tv.
starting at 4:30, with the ridiculous bold and the beautiful
then on to my best friend is an alien. ok, so it's a kids show. but the actors are really good and it genuinley makes me laugh. especially larabee.
at 5:30 comes happy days. a nice, family friendly, good ol' half hour to spend with the kids and a tv dinner....or something.
6:00 is a repeat of the simpsons...heehee.
6:30 i like to flick between two 'current affairs' programs. too funny. nothing like local people trying to make the difference between buying a yellow dishcloth and a green dishcloth the most important decision you'll make on your shopping expedition
7:00 a repeat of everybody loves raymond
7:30 new simpsons
8:00 new everybody loves raymond

now comes the hard part, on channel ten at 8:30 we have the secret life of us. mmmmm, deborah mailman. secret life is one show that i WILL be on one day and one which, of course, doesn't have a very good australian site to go with it, so here's the english one. i was really happy when this show started because it reminded me of one of my all time favourite aussie is a four letter word. i miss gus and albie :( but on SBS, john saffran's musical jamboree is on. can't explain this'll have to see it

same with life support. i love this programs eat your heart out

ok, so now its 9:30, and it gets easier kinda. sex and the city is on, but so is the osbournes, and i'd rather watch kelly osbourne than what's her name who i've forgotten right at this know, matthew brodericks wife....who LOVES that movie he was in with michelle pfieffer about that hawk? me! i do!!!

okey dokey, 10:00 adults only simpsons....this week it's the one where everyone is having sex everywhere....heehee

10:30 buffy......buffybuffybuffybuffy

this part sucks though. see, buffy goes for an hour, but six feet under starts at 10:45, so i have to get my brother to tape it for me and then keep the tapes until we get our video fixed, then i can catch up on whats going on at Fisher & Sons

then i go to bed

yep, just call me the links monkey
we watched two hands last night. can i just say that if you ever feel like watching a movie that has the right mix of everything; action, humour, love, music,'s like....i can't even begin to tell you. i love this movie. and rose byrne...mmmmmm

look at some stuff about two hands here

and then, to top off a good night of tv, muriels wedding was on after that. that movie still makes me laugh and i've seen it...gee, i dunno, probably six or seven times. it's got toni collette, racheal griffiths, matt day, sophie lee, bill many aussie actors, it's hillarious. this film, and two hands, both show people what australia is like, but at the smae time, what it isn't like AT ALL. it's funny, it's like when i first started chatting in irc, when i said i was from australia, they're like, 'oh wow, do you know the crocodile hunter?' well, sure...he's my best mate, cobber!
particular people in these films, they're like the classic aussie. it's too hard to really have to see it for yourself

see stuff about muriel's wedding here

hmm, seems i'm having trouble finding a good site for muriel's wedding...have a look at this one, but maybe trust your probably better search engines than mine and look it up for yourself

there was something else i was going to say....oh yeah, i'm going back through all of my archives and putting comments boxes on them. so, if the mood takes you, write something, i'll write back, i promise :)

Sunday, July 14, 2002

yaaaaaaaaaay, i can code!!!! now, please put some comments in so i can see if its just S and H who read this, or if theer are some lovely people out there in this huge world who i haven't met yet
alrighty, found S, he helped me as he always does, and now i maybe will have a comments box, if i've done it right...let's see....
yay! oh blogger, im sorry for the whipping, although perhaps thats what made you work again?? you did'nt lose all my typing, you must have just been playing hide and seek with me last night and making me be mad and grumpy for fun...was that it? anyway, sorry for yelling at you and smacking you and whipping you.

i am now going to find S and ask him very politely to help me to add a comments box on to you soon

Saturday, July 13, 2002

stupid blogger, i just wrote heaps and it wouldnt publish it......*smacks mr blogger hard and then takes him out the back for a whipping* i can't possibly think of all those amazing quotes fomr the mind of me again!!
just want to add that i have no problem with the visitor at all...that is, unless he has a problem with me, cos i'm still not so sure that he doesn't. it just upsets me to see M upset over something he has no control over. he has things he needs to say, but i dnot think now is really the right time for them to come out.

on a lighter, more exciting note, we're all gonna be in a career girls film clip soon. yay, can't wait. it's on the 4th of august, and all we have to do is dance around to the band i think. which won't be at all hard cos they're so cool and groooovy :)
i've been listening to career girls, blueline medic and dashboard confessional all day today, and i've started playing banjo kazooie and i've already passed three stages i think...all in all, not a bad day. had bacon and eggs for breakfast too, which was nice. what made it nicer was our amazing new frying pan that we got from target on thursday night. AND we got it cheaper cos we used mums staff discount card..wahoo!...yeah, ok, i know it's sad to get excited about a new frying pan. but you should have seen the old one, it was disgusting. we've had the same one for 4 years and it had baked on food on it for...well, probably for that long as well. and when we put it in the dishwasher it'd send all the black crap around the dishwasher and it would stick to all my clean dishes making them dirty and then i'd have to clean them again.
when i was living at home i thought my mum was on something when she used to come home from grocery shopping all happy cos she got a new mop head. she'd try and explain it to me but i never got it. she said it again when i moved out, but i still thought she was stupid.

i so get what she means now.
feeling a bit funny today. not really sure what's causing it...seems to be a worry that keeps nagging at me. i know that in part it's due to an email i recieved this morning from S. he's feeling weird and angsty, and it isn't due to the visitor they have at their house right now, so that makes me think...yes selfishly i guess... that it's because of me. maybe not, i don't know, but it probably is. gut feeling, you know.
the other reason i'm all funny is because of the visitor, but not because what his presence is doing to me, but rather what it's doing to M. he's been real snuggly and sooky, and he keeps getting huffy when i ask him what's wrong...'he's there now' is always the answer. i tell him that it's not really me he needs to me discussing this with, although of course i'll listen. it's just that he doesnt want to discuss it with H because he doesnt want to ruin things with her.
i know how he feels because i remember her saying once that she couldnt undertand the feelings he had for her because they hardly spoke. i don't think that the not speaking so much has a lot to do with how he feels about her. it's real, whatever it is, and no matter how much he and she talk or don't talk, he feels it all the same.
i'm wondering if this is what S's problem is. that there aren't a lot of feelings being shared between us lately. i don't really know how to explain that. i just know that it isn't being done anywhere, so if that is the reason he's a bit down, then he shouldn't take it personally. if it isn't the reason, i'd really like to know it when he's ready to talk...i'm always here to listen...i know i say it a lot, but i wonder if he hears it everytime...

Friday, July 12, 2002

i've been thinking about you dancing
every thursday, every weekend
well, what the hell do you think you're doing?
standing out there all by yourself
drink in one hand, drink in the other hand

because it's not as if you're getting any younger
or you're looking any better
or you're going any further

and you know, because everyone says
that you've got a problem
the embassy is closed and there's nowhere to go
and everyone says that he'll love you forever
so he'll love you forever

i've been thinking about your clothing
something tighter, something revealing
how do you decide what you're wearing?
round the table drinks are spilled
you say you wont, you know you will
cos you love him still

and it's not as if you're getting any closer
as you see him in the corner
with his arms around another

and you know because everyone says
that you've got a problem
now everything is closed
and you're out on your own

and everyone says
when you wake up tomorrow
god, how you'll need this tomorrow...are you into it?

career girls

i really like this song, especially this part :

round the table drinks are spilled
you say you wont, you know you will
cos you love him still

and it's not as if you're getting any closer
as you see him in the corner
with his arms around another

i don't know what it is, but when i hear it it hits me somewhere...makes me kinda sad but then the drums/trumpet/guitar bit kicks in and it's like you just start shaking your head around and dancing and it makes it all ok for a while

Thursday, July 11, 2002

What Pulp Fiction Character Are You?

You're sweet, but not naive - though you like to be babied like a child at times. You prefer to have a bad boy by your side, but sometimes have problems understanding why he has to run off to take care of business. You want to settle down, yet deep down inside, you are excited by the surprises life throws your way.

Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.

I'm a PINK bitch.

Click here to take the Bitch Test

dunno what it means, but pink is nice :)
Yes I know who you remind me of
A girl I think I used to know
Yes I'd see her when the day got colder
On those days when it felt like snow
You know I even think that she stared like you
She used to just stand there and stare
And roll her eyes right up to heaven
And make like I just wasn't there

And she used to fall down a lot
That girl was always falling
Again and again
And I used to sometimes try to catch her
But I never even caught her name

And sometimes we would spend the night
Just rolling about on a floor
And I remember
Even though it felt soft at the time
I always used to wake up sore

You know I even think that she smiled like you
She used to just stand there and smile
And her eyes would go all sort of far away
And stay like that for quite a while

And I remember she used to fall down a lot
That girl was always falling
Again and again
And I used to sometimes try to catch her
But I never even caught her name

Yes I sometimes even tried to catch her
But I never even caught her name

yaaaay. i'm catch, if i was a cure song, this is wat i'd be. i'm pretty stoked, this has always been one of my favourites.

You mainly stay alone playing with your...dolls. You are a great movie, yet no one really appreciates you. Thats ok. You're allowed to stay in the closet if you want to.

What movie are you?
made by

So, which Fraggle ARE YOU most like? Click here to find out.

i wonder sometimes whether i should bother doing these quizzes. you know, since H and i are the same people, and i copy all the quizzes she does....i mean, we do....too confusing. anyway, since i always get the same answers she does, its not really much point in me doing them. but then again, im posting the results for you. yes you. YOU my devoted public, my devoted readers. YOU who tune in, or log in as the case actually is, each day to read whats going on on the mundaneness that is my life.
apparently, as i learned from mary today, the reson im depressed may have to do with the fact that i am attention seeking. mum said that i've always been like that, except that when i was little i'd seek attention by putting on songs and dances for everyone. i dont know how right this is. when i get really down i just want to be alone. i dont want the attention. i dont want people hovering about me asking continuously if im ok and if theres something they can do. its not that i dont appreciate their concern, i really do, i just think that this is something that i need to get through myself. it would be helpful if someone came over and did my housework. of course it would. but i have to learn to do it myself. the thing is that im just not a house work person. not at all. as much as i jate sitting here and staring at these piles of clothes and toys, its not often that i get pissed off enough to do something about it.
i got an email earlier from S. he said that they'd cleaned the apartment for their visitor who is arriving on thursday. im really proud of H especially for doing all of that. gold stars and cuddles for you, sexy miss :)

YEAH!! i just did another quiz, which austin powers character are you, and im scott evil, wahoo. of course, i'd rather be doing scott evil than being him, but you can't always get what you want.

Tuesday, July 09, 2002

head is hurting today.

this is, in part, courtesy of M's new idea to get me happy. he reckons that the reason i'm so depressed is because i don't get up in the morning. well, ok, that's a very short version of his idea. he decided last night that i should get up when he does, have a shower and some breakfast, and be ready to start the day when the boys wake up, instead of my usual get up when xani does and get him a juice then go back to bed till eli wakes up and THEN get up properly. so this morning, he was starting late. his alarm goes off at 7:40 and he starts shaking me and poking me, and then goes and has his shower and gets ready, and when he leaves, he puts my mobile next to the bed and leaves the bedroom light on. so i turned my phone off, turned the light off and went back to bed. his first job was close by and only took half an hour, so he comes back at 8:30 and turns the light back on and starts pulling off the covers and poking me and shaking me again. so yeah, thats gonna make me happier. he says, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow....hey, you might even be pissed at me all week, but it'll make you better. whatever. all it's done so far is make me headachey and grumpy and i don't want to talk to him.
i want to go away again, and this time for a long time. somewhere i can just sleep for as long as i want, and lay there and think. he asked me again last night if i loved him and i said that i didn't know. i'm telling him the truth, you know. he's sad, understandably, but he's mad at me for not telling him sooner. like thats an easy thing to tell someone. i dont want to say it. i dont want to think it. it was like before i said it it wasnt real. he said he wants to go back to the day before i told him i didnt *feel* love for him. he reckons he was fine then. him maybe, yeah, but me? i know this isnt fair but im not in a fair mood right now. it might be selfish but right now i dont really care. im sick of doing things for other people, now i'm going to do things for me, to make me better first. i know i might loose some people along the way but i think that that is just something i'm going to have to live with. if these people stick by me then i'll know that they are true friends. i know it's bad to compare things to tv, but, it's like on buffy last week. buffy got stung by this weird demon thing that made her think that the life she had was a figment of her imagination. and that the flashes she was having of her in a mental institute were the real thing. the doctor in the institution told her to get better she would need to get rid of all the people she had conjoured up in her little world. so she started fighting them, and tying them up in the basement with the stingy monster, then when the monster was killing them she realised that this was her life and that thses were her true friends. she fought the demon and saved her friends and they forgave her because they knew how fucked in the head she was because of all these visions she was having.
it'd be good to know you had friends that stuck by you even though you tried to kill them.
ok, so i'm not about to go killing anyone, but you can see what i mean, can't you?

just one more thing, kelly osbourne is all the more sexy now that i know she's only 17, heeheee

Monday, July 08, 2002

Red: 1/100 Blue: 12/100 White: 25/100 Yellow: 7/100

Take the Color Code Test
by Dano

and i'll say it again, hello bizzaro! how weird is it that these quiz thingoes are so right....freaky

find out what white means here

'Whites will do almost anything to avoid confrontation. They like to flow through life without hassle or discomfort. Feeling good is even more important to them than being good.'

See which Greek Goddess you are.

i'm watermelon flavoured!

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

aaah, kanga, the forgotten resident of the 100 acre wood. i'm actually a little surprised i'm not eeyore. i guess i'm not that gloomy, and i don't lose my tail a lot really.
'i have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve, i have a history of losing my shirt'

I'm an Oreo!

What Snack Food are YOU? Click here to find out!

You're 3 Musketeers!
You're kind of plain. Nothing amazing. But hey, that's not always a bad thing.

i'm doing lots of quizzes lately. i'm beginning to wonder if it's because i don't want to face things i should be doing. like cleaning and looking after the boys, that sort of thing. but other things too.
like S and H. they are so so lovely. i care a lot about them and they're both more special to me than a lot of other people, but i worry sometimes that things will go wrong, and thats why i sometimes think that keeping a bit of distance between us is probably a good thing. i dont know, maybe i'm wrong. the thing is that i've come to the realisation that i'm bad in relationships. it's like, i'm really good for a while. i'm a giving, caring person, even i can see that about myself. it's just that after a while things go weird, like what's going on with M and me. i don't want that to happen with S and H, and i think the reason it happened with M is that we spent so much time together.
i just don't want to ruin things

what does a 3 musketeers bar taste like? i hope it's at least nice

Sunday, July 07, 2002

What Type of Villain are You? /

yet another piece of the rapidly growing pile of evidence proving that i am way beyond saving. freaky freaky girl, or as it says on my message board...

'have a beautiful day, you ridiculous, ridiculous freak'

and also, can i just say, 'yay' to S and H for the lovely package they sent us. i know its a bit late, but i've been doing all these cool quizzes, ya know :)

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You?
quiz, by Angel.

heeheee, i love being the freaky one. just like in the breakfast club, never wanted to be molly ringwald except that i would have rathered to end up with judd nelson

Saturday, July 06, 2002

damn blog isnt working again.....mssrphressrgrrrgrrrbah
heeheeee! more quizzes!!

actual content will come soon, i promise

I'm so emo!
Take the The "What Teen Label Do You Fit Into Most?" Quiz!
by antiperfect

You're an emo kid! You love those rock songs with some actual meaning to them (all the songs you love are so sad!) and emo glasses. Blow your nose, emo kid!

Friday, July 05, 2002

what is going on with my blog? why are my archives falling down the page like that? i liked the wasy mine was set out before and now it looks all silly wrong and wonky. stupid blogger. hmm, mayeb its cos i keep saying stupid blogger that stuff keeps going wrong.....

lovely sexy beautiful blogger????

we'll see what happens now, wont we
yep, all i'm doing lately is copying S and H's blogs and stealing all their links, teehee....

Disney Princesses
Which of the Disney Princesses are you?

You are a quick-witted tough dame with a tongue of steel. This jaded, cynical outlook is your suit of armor worn to protect you from further hurt and mistreatment. You may have been burned in the past by a love. Though your history weighs on your mind, you still have a little bit of faith in love. Don't deny it, girlfriend! Let go of the past and move on, embracing life's possibilities. But being more optimistic doesn't mean you have to lose your wit or independence!

i don't actually know who megara is, but she seems pretty cool...weird how right these quizzes can be sometimes

Take the Affliction Test Today!

Congratulations, you're gonorrhea!

Yeah, that's right. You're a sexually transmitted disease. And it gets worse: you're curable.

But fret not, my fine infectious friend; you have a fine array of symptoms associated with you that would make even rabies flinch.

Women suffer bleeding during vaginal intercourse, a burning sensation when they pee, and a delightful womanly discharge that comes in yellow muck or blood flavours. Men get to have a whole lot of pus coming from their penis. What's more, you can be passed to babies as they're being born, and cause them to go blind! That's how cool you are!

If i was a serial killer i would be Lizzy Borden.

Lizzy Borden, not by definition a serial killer, but a notorious killer nonetheless. One day as her father was napping on the living room sofa Lizzy Borden took an axe and hit her father's head with it repeatedly some where around 40 times, completely disfiguring his face into an unrecognizable mess of blood and gore. Almost immediately after Lizzy attacked her mother in her bedroom, again hitting her head with an axe over 40 times. Lizzie Borden took an axe,

And gave her father forty whacks.
And when she saw what she had done,
She gave her mother forty-one.

kill count: 2

Find what serial killer you would be, Take the Serial Killer Quiz now!

Thursday, July 04, 2002

well, the little shop of horrors people called me at last. apparently they were very impressed with me, i have excellent range and i move freely and naturally, but there is no place for me in the cast. they had to turn people away from auditions so i guess im lucky i even got that far.
at least i tried though, i guess
the other people havent called me but i never really thought they would.

you am i are playing tonight and tomorrow night and we arent going.
i hate money
i hate not having any money

all i want is to have enough to say, $40 for two tickets to you am i? sure we can afford that. i dont want to be 'independantly wealthy...socially secure, wahoo!' or anything like that, it'd just be nice having enough to live happily.

live happliy

i was saying to m last night that us having affairs might actually work. theres this ad on tv at the moment for diet coke. its a couple and a man sitting at two tables, the bf is reading the paper and the other two both get diet cokes, then they look at each other and smile and flirt and all that. and i said to m that they probably wouldnt have anything to talk to each other about. and he's like, no they wouldnt, but they'd have fucking good sex. and im thinking, thats why affairs would be a good thing. we could stay together, spend time with each other like we do, have fun as friends, talk, renovate, that sort of thing, and just go out for sex. i mean, i know it only works in theory, but it's always an idea.

note to the people who read KNOW not to take that seriously, dont you :)

Tuesday, July 02, 2002

the mummy returns

don't actually ahve anything to say, i just wanted to say that

*runs off giggling and embarrassed cos i know thats a movie title...havent actually seen it myself, refuse to watch anything with the rock in it...he was in it, wasnt he? anyway, brendan fraser shits me too, so there ya go, just a couple of reasons....resume giggling*
well, it's official. the country is going to shit. peter won big brother. i knew he would from the moment i found out he was a 'good old aussie bloke with a big heart, good on ya digger'. but i was hoping marty would win since he's all that and a packet of potato chips. *giggles* what i meant to say was he's all that and funny and tricksy and cute as well. plus, if he won he'd be able to afford to move to sydney to be with jess since he said he wanted to marry her the other night. oh well, only a few months till the next big brother. i'm predicting a quiet, aussie guy with a big heart is gonna win.

oh, all that and a packet of potato chips....i'm endevouring to use stupid sayings more. i'm sure i'll stop soon, but for now, it's making me laugh whenever i say them so i'm gonna keep going.

there was an actual reason why i started writing in here today.....can't remember now.

i had a really good/bad saying too, and i can't remember that either. stupid brain. bah.

i'm hoping that mr s had a good day yesterday, the kebab shop being closed on a monday does suck. i think that ther hamburger shops are closed around here on mondays too actually. but chinese take away is a good alternative. i'd prefer that anyway. yummo. nothing spicy though, just something yummy.

well, seems i'm rambling along sufficiently today.

Mr M took apart my laundry last night. sure, i have no cupboards anymore, but i've got a nice big room. we're renovating again, maybe to sell the house, dunno yet. depends if we find somewhere cool to live.

alrighty, i'm disappearing to be the mummy.....

Monday, July 01, 2002

i suck at computers
today is computer geek boys birthday....ahem, sorry......mac geek boy, Mr S :)
and i'm not supposed to say birthday either, it's just like any other day, so i'll just sit here and hum for a while.........
i know what it's like to lay there and have someone cuddle you and try to make things happen when they really really arent gonna happen

i also know what it's like to be on the other side of that

and i apologise to anyone thats ever been involved on any side of it with me

i'm sorry