Tuesday, July 09, 2002

head is hurting today.

this is, in part, courtesy of M's new idea to get me happy. he reckons that the reason i'm so depressed is because i don't get up in the morning. well, ok, that's a very short version of his idea. he decided last night that i should get up when he does, have a shower and some breakfast, and be ready to start the day when the boys wake up, instead of my usual get up when xani does and get him a juice then go back to bed till eli wakes up and THEN get up properly. so this morning, he was starting late. his alarm goes off at 7:40 and he starts shaking me and poking me, and then goes and has his shower and gets ready, and when he leaves, he puts my mobile next to the bed and leaves the bedroom light on. so i turned my phone off, turned the light off and went back to bed. his first job was close by and only took half an hour, so he comes back at 8:30 and turns the light back on and starts pulling off the covers and poking me and shaking me again. so yeah, thats gonna make me happier. he says, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow....hey, you might even be pissed at me all week, but it'll make you better. whatever. all it's done so far is make me headachey and grumpy and i don't want to talk to him.
i want to go away again, and this time for a long time. somewhere i can just sleep for as long as i want, and lay there and think. he asked me again last night if i loved him and i said that i didn't know. i'm telling him the truth, you know. he's sad, understandably, but he's mad at me for not telling him sooner. like thats an easy thing to tell someone. i dont want to say it. i dont want to think it. it was like before i said it it wasnt real. he said he wants to go back to the day before i told him i didnt *feel* love for him. he reckons he was fine then. him maybe, yeah, but me? i know this isnt fair but im not in a fair mood right now. it might be selfish but right now i dont really care. im sick of doing things for other people, now i'm going to do things for me, to make me better first. i know i might loose some people along the way but i think that that is just something i'm going to have to live with. if these people stick by me then i'll know that they are true friends. i know it's bad to compare things to tv, but, it's like on buffy last week. buffy got stung by this weird demon thing that made her think that the life she had was a figment of her imagination. and that the flashes she was having of her in a mental institute were the real thing. the doctor in the institution told her to get better she would need to get rid of all the people she had conjoured up in her little world. so she started fighting them, and tying them up in the basement with the stingy monster, then when the monster was killing them she realised that this was her life and that thses were her true friends. she fought the demon and saved her friends and they forgave her because they knew how fucked in the head she was because of all these visions she was having.
it'd be good to know you had friends that stuck by you even though you tried to kill them.
ok, so i'm not about to go killing anyone, but you can see what i mean, can't you?

just one more thing, kelly osbourne is all the more sexy now that i know she's only 17, heeheee

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