Friday, July 26, 2002

ive been trying to concentrate on the now and the future, not on the past. i had a good talk with mary on thursday. she said i have to stop hurting myself and thinking i need to hurt more, because in the whole scheme of things, it's not like i killed someone. what i did was bad, but it wasnt that bad. and yes it hurt people, but they will get over it and so will i. i also have to stop matt from hurting me. the way he's doing it isnt going to help. it's just sending me further away. i tried to switch off, and it worked, but i kept getting flashes from when i was little, and that scared me. matt was crying, telling me he wasnt him, wondering if what he did was rape. i guess not, since i consented in a way. it still hurt, and now the safe place i had is gone. i need to get that stuff sorted out too. its coming out too much lately.
matt wanted to buy X a toy last night, but it was almost $30 so i said no. i told him all he needs from him is love. then i had to go and say, 'ooh, look! clearance stickers" which happened to be over by the girls clothes. i didnt even look at them, ikept looking at toys, but matt got mad at me and said i was being selfish and inconsiderate again. he doesnt understand how i could have gone shopping with sharyn, and bought all those things. i just needed to get away from thinking about it for a while. even though it was all that we talked about, it was good to feel good again. made me realise that it was possible that i dont have to be sad and sorry for myself and others for the rest of my life. im going to try and do that with matt on the weekend. try and get his mind off of things. mary said that was a good idea. she said we needed time away from it, to have a couple of days off from talking about it. H says i dont deserve to feel good. maybe she's right. but maybe if she could let go of her hatred for a little while she might start feeling good to. and we can all start fixing this. i know she thinks its all my fault, and that i am the one who needs to fix things, but knowing that she's mad at me all the time and that whenever i say something or S is talking to me, that she gets mad, just makes me not want to say anything to anyone. i dont want to ruin things anymore than they already are. she can think what she wants about this, i mean, she doesnt need my permission, of course, but that's the way i'm feeling about it.
so my homework from mary was to promise not to hurt myself, not to let matt hurt me, and not to let him hurt himself.
i'm trying

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