yeah...i don't really know anymore. it's been a weird few days. i havent been on the computer much, save for typing in here, and i think it's been good for me. i know that i'm going to have to face other people and sort this stuff out sooner or later, and going by an email i got, it seems that it's going to be sooner, ie, wednesday, but i'm not looking forward to it. i guess it's not really something to look forward to, anyway, but what i mean is that i feel like if i start talking about it in depth again, im going to undo all the good that matt and i have done in the last week or so. i know that sean deserves an explanation, although i have explained, i know that he'll need me to do it again, and holly....well, i dont know, i'll just leave that. when she is ready to talk to me then she can, i'll be here. by the looks of things, it's going to be going on for a long time before this goes to the back of people's minds and stays there. 1

why do i always feel the need to explain *every* sentance i write, as if i'm going to be questioned later about it?

of course it's going to take a long time, i know that. i just want to stop focusing on the past. that part of my life is finished now. i dont talk to him, he doesnt talk to me, we dont communicate in anyway, sure, i think about him, but i'm being made to by people asking me questions all the time. YES i know that it's up to me what i talk and think about, and that i make all my decisions, but, make your minds up people, do you want me to talk about it or not? of course i have to think about him if you're asking.

at this point i'd like to point out that *you* doesnt mean anyone in particular, it just means my general public, you know, the thousands upon millions of people who stop by here on a regular basis. but, if you'd like to take something personally, go ahead, there is a comments box after all.

i got sent a link to a site that is supposed to help me work some stuff out. form what i read of it, i can see where it is coming from, i just dont think i can read the whole thing. if it was on paper maybe, i cant read large amounts of text on a computer screen.

http://www.learninstitute.com/Meta-Statesdefined.htm

lol, i was taking it more seriously until i saw his photo and found out that his name was elvis....teehee

i dont know. i've really had enough of it all. on top of what i have done, im having to comfort matt for things he should have spoken about....jeez, years ago. and things seem to be moving along pretty quickly with certain people, so he's feeling like he's being left behind again, that he doesnt matter. it's hard for him, really hard, and from what i found out earlier, hard for other people as well.

i will be naming names in this section.

i feel that holly should have handled the sean situation a lot differently than she has with matt. he is hurting really badly and i think that she needs to be more sympathetic to his feelings. ok, she may not feel for him what she does for sean, thats fair enough, and she may not feel for him what he does for her, thats fair enough as well, but she needs to talk to him about it, not leave him hanging around. he doubts that anything at all will come of this now, partly by my doing, but also because of sean (when i say sean, this is a completely different one from any other mention of sean you may find in here.....you'd think they could be spelt differently at least ). holly once said to me that she couldnt understand how i could still hang around and be friends with daniel if matt didnt like him.. this was way before anything happened and also way before he had even met him. she said that i should value matts feelings on this and not see him anymore. it's ridiculous to imagine that holly would not see sean because of matts feelings, thats not fair at all, but i would think that she'd at least have talked to him about it, found out a bit more about how he felt about all of this.

ok, quiz time :Brought to you by the
NYU Department of Psychiatry

Bearing grudges

Indifference to praise or criticism

Strange day dreams or fantasies

Magical thinking influencing behavior

Unstable and intense relationships

Feelings of emptiness

Suggestibility

Avoidance

Need for excessive advice and reassurance

Based on the above answer(s), your personality traits might be associated with following personality type(s):

Schizotypal Personality

Borderline Personality

sometimes i wonder if it would be better for everyone, involved or not, if i was just locked up for a while. i remember a couple of episodes of love is a four letter word where albee got locked up in a pysch hospital because she tried to stab that woman...cant remember her name...oh yeah, 'the fox' with a pair of scissors. she didnt really look any happier, but she looked safe.

Results of the Anxiety Test
Anxiety Index

Your score = 70

What does your score mean?
According to your score on the Anxiety Test, you are quite anxious - more so than most people around you. Your anxiety seems to have become problematic in your day-to-day life. It could be holding you back from doing necessary things, putting a damper on experiences that have the potential to be wonderful, or causing some problems in your relationships. The good news, though, is that you can change. Step one on the road to recovery is realizing that suffering from anxiety is not your fault. And know that you are not alone - a large percentage of people suffer from various degrees of anxiety. Consider talking to a professional who can help you get over your anxious feelings.