Saturday, July 13, 2002

feeling a bit funny today. not really sure what's causing it...seems to be a worry that keeps nagging at me. i know that in part it's due to an email i recieved this morning from S. he's feeling weird and angsty, and it isn't due to the visitor they have at their house right now, so that makes me think...yes selfishly i guess... that it's because of me. maybe not, i don't know, but it probably is. gut feeling, you know.
the other reason i'm all funny is because of the visitor, but not because what his presence is doing to me, but rather what it's doing to M. he's been real snuggly and sooky, and he keeps getting huffy when i ask him what's wrong...'he's there now' is always the answer. i tell him that it's not really me he needs to me discussing this with, although of course i'll listen. it's just that he doesnt want to discuss it with H because he doesnt want to ruin things with her.
i know how he feels because i remember her saying once that she couldnt undertand the feelings he had for her because they hardly spoke. i don't think that the not speaking so much has a lot to do with how he feels about her. it's real, whatever it is, and no matter how much he and she talk or don't talk, he feels it all the same.
i'm wondering if this is what S's problem is. that there aren't a lot of feelings being shared between us lately. i don't really know how to explain that. i just know that it isn't being done anywhere, so if that is the reason he's a bit down, then he shouldn't take it personally. if it isn't the reason, i'd really like to know it when he's ready to talk...i'm always here to listen...i know i say it a lot, but i wonder if he hears it everytime...

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