M and i hugged last night. i know it sounds stupid but it was a bit of a struggle for me. he asked for a hug. and its weird, it's like, as soon as he asks for something i dont want to do it. i think its because i get mad at myself for not being able to just do it in the first place. like i should have known he wanted a hug, or should have just done it because i wanted to. and also, when he asks, i feel like if i do do it, that he'll think i'm just doing it because he asked, not because i actually want to. my head is all too complicated. i cant help the stuff that zooms arounds in there. i just let it keep circling and i think and think and think and over think. and then i get sick of thinking, and i just want to get away because it seems no matter how much i think about it, i cant come up with a solution that helps everyone.
anyway
we had a cuddle. it was ok. it was warm and i didnt have something poking at me until right at the end. he was saying that he understands the hugging thing. 'you only hug people who you know are 'safe". i'm glad he gets it. i know he isnt happy about it but at least he can kinda grasp at what is going on with me.
i also said that i loved him too, when he said i love you to me on the phone. he had to ask me if i said it cos he wasnt sure if he heard it right. when i was saying that i did say it, i got all shy and felt funny. he thought it was cute, and he was happy that things seem to be starting to get back on track again.
so am i


it's so nice to have a cuddle
with a person that you love
feels so good to have a snuggle
with a person that you love
when im happy or in trouble
i run fast, right on the double
just to sit and have a cuddle
with a person that i love