sometimes i wish i had a boyfriend so that when it was night time i could say to my brain, ok brain, no need to run around thinking things willy nilly! you have a boyfriend! you can think about him! how easy is that, brain!? and my brain would say thankyou, and think about my boyfriend, and we'd fall asleep at a reasonable time and live happily ever after and everything would be peachy keen.

instead, after i turn my lamp off and roll over, i close my eyes and its game on. off we go, thinking about a million things at once. a lot of whys, and how comes. maybe's and should'ves. i miss him. im disappointed he didnt come over. i wonder if he will next weekend. i wonder if i'll ever even see him again. i wonder, had i not eaten all the bread, would it be different? would we have had a nicer day? i know he doesnt understand, but he'll just have to deal. i really wish i never met him.

these thoughts dont just belong to one 'he', not even only 2. and some of them apply to more than one. if i had a 'he' of my own, chances are my thoughts would be on him, at least mainly. things inside my head wouldnt be so complicated, so messy, so up in the air and unsolvable.

but thats just the first level. there's still the thoughts of the kids, exercise, cleaning my house (upcoming inspection, eep), all things that take time and effort. time i have a lot of. effort? none free, sorry. everything i need to do seem too hard, impossible even. so hard and impossible that things ive already achived become insignificant.

vacuumed today?
yeah.
but only the lounge. what about the rest of the place?

did the dishes?
yeah.
could have gone to the trouble of wiping the bench

have you eaten today?
yes.
a bag of pods is technically eating, but there is no nutritional value there. you'll just get fatter and sadder, fatter and sadder until you're doomed to spend the rest of your life, fat and alone in your disgusting house, thinking about boys who dont care about you enough to even give you a passing thought

today i had a salad

i guess thats a start

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fingers intertwine but none of them are mine
im watching you from so far away
pushing buttons just to listen to you breathe