Tuesday, October 07, 2008

no new messages

there are constant reminders, and they're everywhere. spoken, thought of, imagined, on purpose or by accident. jokingly thrown towards you, or forcefully pushed back down.

threw away something good, took on something bad
this book ended before it should have

we're talking about growing up, about who is a grown up. apparently thats where i sit, at the grown ups table. i want the grown up things. i want the house, the husband, the baby, the dog. i have none of those things, not anymore, and i wont be getting them any time soon, probably never,

ive been escaping to sunnydale, trying to take on their problems as bigger than my own. watch out for that demon, some vampires arent bad, i love you, but i shouldnt. i'd like to choose less confusing pancakes, but i dont even have that option

ive been home for a month. i dont go out much anymore. i thought i had hayfever, but then i remembered i dont do outside, so i must have just been sick.

i rarely leave my room. the boys have taken to camping in bed with me, with books or toys. we watch dvds together. they even watched the princess bride with me which is a source of predictable conversation between us:

them: lets watch a dvd
me: can i choose?
them: yep
me: princess bride
them: you can choose anything but the princess bride

everyone is busy, they all have something to do, someone to do things with. im disappearing more and more into books, dvds and games, and i dont know if i want to come out or not.

my head hurts. i think from keeping it all in. i dont want to let it out. i dont know where it will stop

im afraid i'll lose my job, and that'll be the end of me. i barely make it there as it is. i know how hard it was for the three newer people to win their positions, i doubt it'll be hard for them to find a reason to let me go

i should probably go now

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