im sad and im afraid

my whole body aches and i cant find a comfortable spot to lay to fall asleep. its 1259am. i want to sleep. i want to sleep so that i stop thinking. im 5 days into doubling my medication and i cant see a change. i still lay here and think about the things i should be doing, things i want, things i cant change.

right now im laying still and searching my body for reasons i can call up sick tomorrow and not have to leave my house. my tummy is gurgling a bit. perhaps i could use that? while i decide on illnesses another part of my brain takes over.

its only lunch, for fucks sake. its an hour of your day to spend with friends

friends

hmmm

for the first time in however long ive let myself wonder about someone who isnt him. i wondered out loud and a friend says 'me too' and he says 'not me'...to me anyway.

how will i make it through lunch? do i have reason to be upset? to not go? to be mad? to be sad? can i stop sabotaging whats left?

i dont know the answers to any of these questions

my legs ache and my tummy still gurgles. i think about things i could be doing, should be doing. i try and close my eyes and they spring back open again and stare into the dark

'you'll never find it here'

i need to get out. to go away. i want to go away. i want to get out. out of bed, out of my house, out of here, out of my mind. but the blankets are warm and i know that sleep will come if i let it.

i just have to give in

i give up