hate

christmas eve and im posting about hate. well, its warranted. actually, it isnt, and it doesnt make sense and i dont understand it, but its there anyway

hate

i've just spent the last ten minutes fighting with myself. there was something i wanted to do, and there were means within my reach to do it, but i knew i shouldnt. i kept staring in front of me and fought inside my head but the need was too strong and it overwhelmed me. maybe if i was used to it again, i could have fought harder, but i didnt. instead i grabbed the badge, pulled the pin out at right angles and raked it along my arm

that'll be nice and festive for tomorrow

good one, me

its christmas, he says, come on.

no. i say. you could have given me some warning. twice too, even after i asked you not to the first time

so now i am spending christmas eve alone, without saying goodnight to my babies, my face ugly from crying, my arm stinging soothingly, and my hate sitting there, waiting to explode