Monday, August 16, 2004


in less than an hour i'll be leaving for my first appointment with dr kent. he specialises in dissociative disorders and psychotherapy. im a bit worried about going. it would be great to work out what the hell is going on inside my head, and fix it so i can function like a normal person, but i dont want to walk out of there and have all these labels of disorders i apparently have. im worried taht if he says 'yes, you have dissociative identity disorder' that all my inner people are gonna say 'woohoo! we're real, lets go to town inside carly's head!'. and what if he says i dont have it? then they're all going to be mad or upset at me, because it will obviously be my fault that someone else says they dont exist. ugh, its all to hard. im worried about being on too many freaky drugs. i feel like im already outgrowing my effexor, although that may be that i never take it properly.

i've been prescribed two 75mg doses. thats one in the morning and one about tea time. it seemed like every afternoon i was freaking out and not handling anything, so the doctor decised that if i had one in the afternoon it should keep the amount of the drug in my system pretty level rather than petering out towards the end of the day. the problem with that is that i forget to take the one at night so i take 2 in the morning because if the tablets are taken out of order or i skip them it bothers me immensly. so im having a hit of 150mg every morning and its still wearing off around 4 o'clock. this is what happened last time, and the time kept getting earlier and earlier until it seemed the drug was only working for a couple of hours.
im dissappearing quite a bit lately as well. friday night was pretty bad, as was a lot of saturday. saturday night was ok and then sunday afternoon it came back a little.

i dont know what you'd call it...or what dr kent is going to call it, but i'll let you know when i find out.

im worried that he'll say 'you have (insert disorder here)' and that it will define what i am. that everytime i think or feel or do something, i'll say 'oh, thats my disorder rearing itsugly head again. bad disorder! bad! down boy, GET DOWN!'. i dont want to blame everything on a disorder, or have it rule my life. enough crap goes on with me already that limits what i can do. i still seem to get on with things, but what happens when there are so many things that i just cant get up anymore? too many disorders and illnesses that weigh me down so much im stuck in bed not able to move?

am i thinking too much about this?

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