don't let me down

it's 10 am. i should be getting ready for work and just about to leave but instead, im snuffling around my house with a crying 3 year old snuffling on my lap. my eyes feel like they're blowing out cold air, my throat feels like you could just about slide a strand of cotton down it if you tried hard enough, nothing thicker or it'd just get stuck, and my legs feel like lead. but really really heavy lead. superheavy lead. i dont actually feel that bad, but i look and sound like someone who is very ill and that is not the kind of person you want preparing your food for you.

so on only my 2nd day of work, i have called in sick. im quite sure thats a record.

i feel like i've let so many people down. jude and phil and the duck inn, mostly, but also everyone else who was so proud of me for actually getting out there and finding a job. turns out i cant even work in a snack bar.

i got home from my first day feeling pretty tired, but generally ok. my legs hurt, but i figured that was from standing up all day so i didnt give it a second thought.
i met some interesting people, survived serving scott, dan and simon, and had an all round alright day. i even didnt mind the traffic afterwards, it was good to be able to sit in the car and listen to the radio without people trying to talk to me about something i have no idea about, or show me bubbles they're blowing in their mouths, or try and stop them from killing each other while still driving and conentrating on the road.

when i got home there was a large pile of junk mail, so i poured through that. also, on the front page of the messenger was my new underage boycrush, ben. so that reminded me that i was supposed to go and see man of steel at noarlunga theatre. i was feeling ok, so i went, and im so glad that i did because it was so entertaining and funny.
i love amatuer theatre, particularly school productions. this was willunga high schools first whole school musical in 30 years, and it showed. it showed in how lame the play was, but also in how enthusiastic and brilliant the cast were. for instance, the first line in the play was stuffed up and the girl covered her face and mumbled something like 'oh shit...um, yep' and then kept going.
ben played the man of steel himself, clarke kent. wow, ben just keeps impressing me each time ive seen him. i didnt realise he could sing either, and he was one of the few who kept in character the whole way through. why does this boy not audition for OPUS? we dont know, but we'll be forcing him to next time.

so i clap clap clap at the end and then turn to vicki and she says 'go home, you're falling asleep' and its at that moment i realise how crappy i feel. and its the moment i wake up the next morning and try to swallow that i realise how extra crappy i feel. and then after i get off the phone from phil who happily and good naturedly tok my croaky voice call this morning and told me to look after myself, that i feel even more crappy about letting everybody down.

when i got to school this morning i realise that the majority of the kids are not in school uniform. its casual day, and x is dressed in his uniform. im glad that he's not old enough to be mad at me for having to wear his uniform while everyone else got to dress up, but i still feel bad for him. tick him off as the next person i let down. i'll be making it p to him by letting him go to after school care tonight even though i dont need him to anymore. he's looking forward to it, so i'll pay the $12 for him to have fun with his friends for a couple of extra hours.

im gonna go look after my sick coughing baby in the lounge room, hopefully i can make him feel better and not let him down.