Friday, September 20, 2002

i had another dream last night where i'm in a play or rehearsing a play and i dont know my lines. in this one i just made them up and hoped that they were right but usually i just stand there and look pleadingly to everyone to help me out. i hate having these dreams. i always feel, in the dream, that i am better than that. that i know that i know my lines so why dont i just say them. it makes me feel bad and hopeless and like im not good enough. later on i was good enough to look after a new born baby, but that was easy because i just took off its nappy and let it lay on the ground and kick and laugh. new born babies dont do that, so that part of my dream was all wrong. as was the fact that i said hello to someone in the corridor that i dont like, and i was being really nice to them.

i yelled at the boys last night and got mad at matt. both the boys were tired and upset and i was trying to put them to bed. xander wouldnt go to the toilet and eli wouldnt let me put him down so i could do things. i was yelling at xander to go to the toilet and yelling at eli to shut up, and the whole time matt was laying on the lounge watching tv. that pissed me off. i got eli ready but he just laid in bed and screamed. i put xander to bed and he laid there and cried. matt eventually got up to help but all he did was get eli out of bed and make xander cry more by saying goodnight to him. ok that last bit wasnt his fault but it was according to me last night.
that was when i realise that ihadnt taken my medicine yet. about an hour later i was almost crying because i felt so bad about being mean to everyone.
i started reading a magazine that i bought but i felt too guilty because i shouldnt have bought it. i was feeling crappy at shopping from lack of sleep and my back still hurting. i felt like i deserved it. if i didnt buy it we'd be $6 closer to being able to afford the rego for my car that was due last week. as it is i'm going to have to be driving around in it unregistered till next thursday. i hate having no money. everything is going up except matts pay it seems. and soon we're even going to be charged for plastic bags at shopping. thats just more money i could do with having in my own pocket, even if it is just for a few more seconds before i spend it on a bill. i cant remember a week where we've had enough money for months. i dont know where its all going.
i have to ring noarlunga health village today and find out when my psych appointment is. it was supposed to be on thursday. they cancelled it but they never rang me back to say when the next one was. when the guy at helen mayo said that i could benefit from seeing a psychologist i was kinda...i dunno...i thought it would be interesting, but i wasnt totally sure if i needed it. i thought that it would probably be the same as talking to mary, which would be fine with me, but i didnt know that it would help anymore than she does. im starting to think that maybe i do need to go.

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