yesterday eli walked into the lounge room and he was moving his head from side to side real funny. he walked over to me and put his arms up to be picked up and as i leaned over him i realised he had a knife stuck in his hair with honey. i told xander that he and eli will have to have a bath together, xans didnt want eli in the bath but i told him he had to and he yelled 'FINE!' then turned and yelled 'FINE!' at eli. i told him not to yell at him and he said, 'but i have to and it's good for him'

those two kids, no matter how annoying and stinky and messy and noisy they are, keep me going and keep me smiling no matter what. there's this ad on tv, its for pasta but that doesnt mean anything, and it says, 'why do you always love your kids just a little bit more when they're asleep?'. my favourite time of the day apart from first thing in the morning when i get cuddles from both my warm floppy still half asleep boys, is last thing before i go to bed when i check in on xander. i always have to dig him out from under the covers and pull him up onto his pillow, tuck him in and make sure his blanket is just so for him. i tell him i love him and he mumbles something and makes little sucking movements with his mouth. it's like he's a baby again, dreaming about milk. who knows, he eats so much during the day maybe he is dreaming about food. but he looks so beautiful and innocent and sweet and i just want to crawl into bed with him and breathe him in. i never do. if he woke up it would take too much to put him back to sleep and that would ruin it. so i just stand there and smile and sometimes its so much for me that i almost cry. i wish i could do that with eli but he sleeps so lightly i'd just have to cut to the trying to put him back to sleep and i wouldnt experience any of that shining time.

i've got a lot of things to sort through. my state of mind and my thought process effects a lot of people and no matter how much i want to, going away is going to make things worse for people. i still want to and i still think that i need to. i'm thinking about going to stay with theresa for a few days, probably just a weekend. maybe when i come back people will have had time to calm down about me being away and they wont be so mad. and they'll see that im happier and then become happier too. maybe.

i'm sorry but what is children's television teaching our kids? here's a song from playschool that i just heard.

nicholas ned
he lost his head
and put a bok choy on instead
but then, oh me!
he could not see
he thought it was night and went to bed.

this is coupled with a picture of a boy and then a picture of a bok choy is placed over his head. the next verse contains a potato. i turned it off after that.