sometimes i wonder if i do things deliberatley to fuck everything up. i remember when matt and i were living in the other house, before the babies, and we actually didnt have a problem with money. we didnt have heaps, but we were scant for cash when we needed it. i used to pretend we didnt have money and sometimes id wish for no money so i could complain about it. thats just stupid. and i know it was and is stupid. i'd tell myself it was stupid when i was doing it but my brain likes play acting, as if i'm on a talk show or one of those shows where theres always a voice over going on, and sometimes its hard to stop it.
i said something to mary without thinking the other day. i said, 'i think i need to let go of a lot of things'. now we're supposed to be getting in to that next session. so now i have to think of what i really meant when i said that. i mean, i know what i meant and i can think of things but i dont think it's really that important. it's like the phone book thing. i always look up certain people each time theres a new phone book. one person i look up to make sure they are far away from me and another person i look up to find out how close to me they are. neither one of these people will i ever call or visit so why do i do it? why do i sometimes still try and find jonas on the internet somewhere? do i honestly think that he'd want to talk to me after all this time? i guess i could have said that about cam too, but i did find him and he was nice and did want to talk to me, but people are different. although they both stopped talking to me for the same reason. damn girlfriends, why dont they just mind their own business. i dont like many girls, so when i find one that i do i get really upset when we dont get along. i seem to get along with guys better and its been that way my whole life. so it really shouldn't have come as much of a surprise to matt when i told him i wanted to hang out with gay guys at clubs. man it was so hard to say that without laughing. it's just that we were watching tv and there was an ad for queer as folk and i said to matt that i should hang out with them cos they all seem like nice guys but none of them would try and pick me up so i'd still be able to hang out with guys but not have to worry about anything happening. there are a few gay bars in adelaide. i dont think matt found it that funny.
i wish enetation was working...how am i supposed to know what my legions of fans are thinking about what im writing?
i need more friends.