matt called holly last night. i was fine with it, i encouraged him. but i was sad after a while. i tried not to let it show but matt saw and he said goodbye to holly and hung up. ididn't want him to do that. now i wonder if holly thinks that he left because of me. i mean, she'd be right, he did leave because of me, but only cos he was worried, not because i made him. i was just feeling really sad because they were having such a good conversation, talking and laughing and enjoying themselves, and it occured to me that i'll never have that with holly again. we werent that great at talking on the phone really, but that was only because i was so nervous to talk to her. i always loved hearing her voice though. i could hear her laughing through the phone and it hit me that i'll never actually hear her, or sean, like that. if things dont get better between us, they wont come and visit. i know that holly has been talking about it lately. just in general terms, like, when we go to australia, and the 'we' part gave me some hope, but i feel like it's just talk. i know it hurts sean to hear this, but i dont think they'll visit. i know that he really does want to, and i really do want to see them too, it's just that i don't want him visiting if holly isnt ok with me. and the money thing is a huge part of it as well. matt said last night that if holly doesnt start to be ok with me agian that he wouldnt talk to her anymore. i dont want that. i dont want to break up their relationship, it shouldnt have to stop just because of me.
i miss her

i'm going to go peroxide my fingers again