Thursday, August 01, 2002

stylin... our house is gonna look like one of those cool housey magazines if it kills us. it wont though cos we both love shopping for housewares. tonight we got a nice all white dinner set for $29.00, marked down from $39.99, and 6 auberginish mugs for $1 each. so YAY! we've gotten rid of all our yellow and blue. at last. thats to go with our freshly painted navajoh white walls, our funky fifties muted green, kinda brocade but still fuckin ace american steel supplies sofa bed, and the pillows that we're gonna make when we go to the city this weekend and guy the material. $25 a pop, bah! harvey norman! that's what i say to you you corporate whorebags.

on a funnier note, i'm cracking myself up lately with stupid little analogies that jump into my head at the most inopportune moments.
i'll explain the situation first. firstly, matt reckons that one of the answers to our problems is that i should do things like give him headjobs all the time. secondly, elijah was being a shit the other night and not sleeping. now, you may think that there's no connection between those two things, but keep reading, the puzzle will fall into place soon enough. matt's answer to eli not going to sleep is to keep making him bottles of milk. i told him not to cos it causes problems like him having a tummy ache and being snarkier and waking up early because he has wet jammies, but he insists on doing it anyway. so, in my head i'm saying to myself, 'listen to me, dammit, i'm his mum, i know how to look after can't solve all our problems by shoving things in people's mouths' LMAO. i had to put my head under the blankets so he didnt hear me laughing. i could just see some old lady sitting there saying that, nodding and smiling knowingly, and finishing her informative lecture the same way as she does every week with... i think there's something in that for all of us.

i went and saw mary today. she said that i seemed 1000 times better this week than last week. she was really worried last week, she said i was curled up in the chair in a foetal position. she was going to send out these crisis care people to our house to check up on matt and i. i'm glad she didnt. it seems that *forgetting* in a way, and just moving on has helped a lot. i think things are going to work.
she also suggested limiting my contact with sean and holly for a while until we can all work our stuff out. i think this is a good idea and sean and i kinda talked about it wednesday as well, before mary mentioned it. ive been thinking that perhaps i'll just talk to them every second day or something....i dont know, it'll be hard, but i think it needs to be done. i wont be able to chat with them for a while anyway because i'll be busy and sean is looking after holly.
i'll be seeing a psychologist in a few months. mary doesnt want me to go until i have worked out a few more basic 'now' things and have gotten my self straightened out. she does'nt think i could handle anything too deep at the moment, that i'm too fragile to go back over things just now. she's worried that if i start now that i might break and sink further into the depression and, in turn, make it harder for any of the therapy to work. so i have to wait a while. she also made me promise not to look in the phone book anymore for people's numbers and think about calling them and saying that a member of their family is a child molester. it was hard but i did it. i told her i wont do it until after i start therapy, then i giggled :)
i have a doctors appointment tomorrow. im getting a pap smear, yay!!!! you'd think they'd work out a way of making those things a little more comfortable. i'm really not looking forward to the day i have to have a mammogram. anyway. i'm getting tested for STI's because of the whole daniel thing. i dont think i have anything to worry about and neither does matt, but sean and holly do, so im doing it for them. i told mary about this and she wanted to know if i was doing it for me because i really should be. she said 'where's that 'i am my own person' girl i've been working on?' i said i was doing it for my sanity because if i didnt i'd always have people telling me to do it.

i just hope they give me a certificate that says 'congratulations! you're free of infections!'

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