i love target. i love shopping there. no matter what, i can usually find something reasonably priced to waste my money on there. last night for instance, i bought a denim skirt for $12. thats a bargain in itself until you find out that it was marked down from $40. i also bought a new bra. it wasnt marked down but it was so cute i had to buy it. also, because i think that my boobs are starting to fill out, like, my body is starting to get back to normal after having the babies. i was wearing my favourite bra, a nice little push up nummber in creamy satin, size 14 A, and everytime i moved the wrong way, my nipples would pop out of it. so last night i saw this cute little bra with cherries on it and it was $15 and im now a 14 B. lets see...what other bargains did we find there...oh, i found a video for matt. lolita with jeremy irons and dominique swain, special edition with deleted scenes and movie trailers for $8, marked down from $20....um...a pair of pyjama pants marked down from $20 to $6. they had a broken ribbon so i fixed it, good as new now...ummm, maybe that was all..oh no, we bought a nice thermal blanket for the bed. it's herringbone pattern and goes perfectly with our room, well, at least it will when it gets painted. and we got that for $32, marked down from $50. and also a new frying pan, but that wasnt on special. so, all in all, we spent heaps of money that we couldnt really afford, but got lots of stuff.
we also bought sean something but im not teling what it is, im sure he'll like it though.
we're going to the show on tuesday. im looking forward to seeing the animals and getting a new tiara cos the one i got last year broke. im getting the faerie winks showbag. its got a tiara, a wand, some wings and a tutu in it. im getting the boys the bertie beetle show bag. its only a dollar, but its got chocolate in it so they'll love it. matts mum will probably buy them a crappy plastic one.
i want some faerie floss too.

ok, i want some straight answers here. what is holly doing that i'm not for the comments thing to work on her blog. how much is she paying them...or, more to the point, what is she paying them with?? if it's a certain sexual act, i do have video AND photographic proof that i have and do do that on occasion.

on a stupier note, i've lost my mobile phone. i sent matt a message this morning then packed the bag for playgroup then came home and went to check if i have any messages and i cant find it. it's turned on, so i could ring it. only.....even stupider thing to follow... i dont know my own number, so i cant.

is it possible to be addicted to faerie bread, do you think?

oh, and matt made a blog, it's here

i yogad i playgrounded and now i will attempt to sleep

oh yeah, i put my resume into angus and robertson the other day. she said she'd show it to her manager. dunno what's gonna happen there.

oooh yeaaaaahhh......last night matt and i had a talk and we made a little something for sean and holly...i wonder what it could be???

yesterday eli walked into the lounge room and he was moving his head from side to side real funny. he walked over to me and put his arms up to be picked up and as i leaned over him i realised he had a knife stuck in his hair with honey. i told xander that he and eli will have to have a bath together, xans didnt want eli in the bath but i told him he had to and he yelled 'FINE!' then turned and yelled 'FINE!' at eli. i told him not to yell at him and he said, 'but i have to and it's good for him'

those two kids, no matter how annoying and stinky and messy and noisy they are, keep me going and keep me smiling no matter what. there's this ad on tv, its for pasta but that doesnt mean anything, and it says, 'why do you always love your kids just a little bit more when they're asleep?'. my favourite time of the day apart from first thing in the morning when i get cuddles from both my warm floppy still half asleep boys, is last thing before i go to bed when i check in on xander. i always have to dig him out from under the covers and pull him up onto his pillow, tuck him in and make sure his blanket is just so for him. i tell him i love him and he mumbles something and makes little sucking movements with his mouth. it's like he's a baby again, dreaming about milk. who knows, he eats so much during the day maybe he is dreaming about food. but he looks so beautiful and innocent and sweet and i just want to crawl into bed with him and breathe him in. i never do. if he woke up it would take too much to put him back to sleep and that would ruin it. so i just stand there and smile and sometimes its so much for me that i almost cry. i wish i could do that with eli but he sleeps so lightly i'd just have to cut to the trying to put him back to sleep and i wouldnt experience any of that shining time.

i've got a lot of things to sort through. my state of mind and my thought process effects a lot of people and no matter how much i want to, going away is going to make things worse for people. i still want to and i still think that i need to. i'm thinking about going to stay with theresa for a few days, probably just a weekend. maybe when i come back people will have had time to calm down about me being away and they wont be so mad. and they'll see that im happier and then become happier too. maybe.

i'm sorry but what is children's television teaching our kids? here's a song from playschool that i just heard.

nicholas ned
he lost his head
and put a bok choy on instead
but then, oh me!
he could not see
he thought it was night and went to bed.

this is coupled with a picture of a boy and then a picture of a bok choy is placed over his head. the next verse contains a potato. i turned it off after that.

find out who your buffy boyfriend is

Who is your dream date?


Congratulations, meet your dream date ....

I'm ">Oz. I'm in a band. And I'm a werewolf.

Quiet, but talented, Oz may seem to be a bit unexciting at first look. Don't dismiss him out of hand, though - this guy plays guitar, has his own van and has a biting sense of humour. There are other things about him that the unwary may be surprised by - just make sure your first date doesn't fall on the full moon! Perhaps a trip to the Bronze to watch his band might be the way to his heart?


and while we're at it, why dont we have a look at pretty willow :)

Don't take Willow for granted - at first glance she might be your average science geek, but her awesome intellect and sweet nature will keep you entertained and enlightened. We'd caution crossing her though - she's got some powerful Wicca magic at her disposal. For your date, we'd suggest a visit to the local museum, and perhaps a coffee later?

mmmm, i could so kiss her

sometimes i wonder if i do things deliberatley to fuck everything up. i remember when matt and i were living in the other house, before the babies, and we actually didnt have a problem with money. we didnt have heaps, but we were scant for cash when we needed it. i used to pretend we didnt have money and sometimes id wish for no money so i could complain about it. thats just stupid. and i know it was and is stupid. i'd tell myself it was stupid when i was doing it but my brain likes play acting, as if i'm on a talk show or one of those shows where theres always a voice over going on, and sometimes its hard to stop it.
i said something to mary without thinking the other day. i said, 'i think i need to let go of a lot of things'. now we're supposed to be getting in to that next session. so now i have to think of what i really meant when i said that. i mean, i know what i meant and i can think of things but i dont think it's really that important. it's like the phone book thing. i always look up certain people each time theres a new phone book. one person i look up to make sure they are far away from me and another person i look up to find out how close to me they are. neither one of these people will i ever call or visit so why do i do it? why do i sometimes still try and find jonas on the internet somewhere? do i honestly think that he'd want to talk to me after all this time? i guess i could have said that about cam too, but i did find him and he was nice and did want to talk to me, but people are different. although they both stopped talking to me for the same reason. damn girlfriends, why dont they just mind their own business. i dont like many girls, so when i find one that i do i get really upset when we dont get along. i seem to get along with guys better and its been that way my whole life. so it really shouldn't have come as much of a surprise to matt when i told him i wanted to hang out with gay guys at clubs. man it was so hard to say that without laughing. it's just that we were watching tv and there was an ad for queer as folk and i said to matt that i should hang out with them cos they all seem like nice guys but none of them would try and pick me up so i'd still be able to hang out with guys but not have to worry about anything happening. there are a few gay bars in adelaide. i dont think matt found it that funny.
i wish enetation was working...how am i supposed to know what my legions of fans are thinking about what im writing?
i need more friends.

'love one and other and you will be happy. it's as simple and as difficult as that'

matt's working today. we were supposed to be building things to sell so we can save for sydney but brett rang him and asked him to take out a kitchen for kristins mums friend, so he's doing it. we owe brett lots for all the help he's given us in fixing up our house so matt pretty much had to go, but for some reason i was really looking forward to spending today with him. i dont know why.
matt sent a card to holly last night and got all nervous about whether she'd call or not. she didnt but i told him it was probably because she was tired. she wrote to him, so i guess it'll explain it in there....by here subject line she seemed happy enough, not that he had anything to worry about in the first place, but, you know boys, always over reacting. i havent gotten anything back from sean yet. i hope i wrote the right address on his card....hmmm.....wondering now.

i might do insidey craft today. candle holders and such. first of all i need some socks cos im freezing. i'm also going to try and invent something that keeps matt on his side of the bed, and not sleeping right on top of me or diagonally so i'm all crunched in a ball. i'm thinking seperate beds, but that's just too easy. some sort of rope and pulley system maybe? or perhaps i'll just tie one hand and one foot to the corresponding bedposts, that way he'll be all for it cos it's like bondage and i'll get a good nights sleep cos he'll be limited to his side of the bed.....aaaaah, what a stroke of genius....teehee, i said stroke.

hee hee heee.... go here and click on interactive stories.. hee hee hee

laa laa lalalaa lalaaa la la laa la, la laa laa laa lala laaaa and so on and so on....
i watch too much sesame street, i know, but that 'sing' song always makes me feel good.
sean and holly are back from their holiday to niagra falls and i was talking to one of the mums from playgroup and she is just back from baltimore where she went for a job as a nurse at john hopkins hospital. weird. really, you know, they should just swap houses, i mean, how simple would that be.
its fathers day in 2 weeks, i think. im not getting dad anything and i wont get him anything for his birthday either and then he'll ring and complain and whine to me about how we never give him anything. oh, the hipocrisy....(yeah, sure jen, you can have the kids beds and i'll have the good lounge, the good plates and the good cutlery and the good glasses? sound fair to you? great...) i'm getting matt a carton of beer. i think that'll be the best present he would have gotten for along while.
we were going to go to a car boot sale ( what do i need a new car boot for, you ask? oh you ARE a comedian :) ) on saturday and i was hoping to find him something funky there for fathers day or his birthday which is soon too, but now he has to help brett pull someones kitchen apart so we cant and anyway, we only have $40 and we both need petrol so we cant go spending our money on useless tackybutcool art deco items this weekend..... :( that sucks. i was looking forward to that.
i bought holly a present for her birthday yesterday. i also bought a box to send the cds in that i thought she'd like but then i bought the other present and it doesnt fit so...yeah....she'll like it though...i hope. i'm not about to say what it is though cos i have a sneaking suspicion that maybe she stops by here sometimes and has a peek around??? which im 100% totally ok with of course, and i like it too. i like that she's taking an interest in me and how and what im doing...show's me that she cares...i mean, i know she does, but its the little things that make a difference you know. things like knowing she stops by here occasionally means a lot to me.
tomorrow im going to get all dressed up cool but conservative and take my resume into angus and robertson bookworld. i stopped in there last night and asked if they had any jobs going and the guy goes, 'wow, we've just had someone resign' and i said, 'well, it must be meant to be, when do i start?' and he laughed a bit and asked for my resume which, of course, i didnt have because going in there was planned cos i love that store, but going in there and asking for a job wasnt planned. so i said id come back with a resume soon. which will hopefully be tomorrow if i can get it from matts mums quick enough.
wow, ive written lots about nothing today.
im gonna hang around out the front of the m-one concert and watch for the whitlams and see if jak and pai remember me and see if they can get me in for free, cos it costs $100 and i dont really want to see the other bands. garbage would be cool, but im not all that interested in seeing them or not. its all *very* triple m and im surprised that the whits are playing there actually. billy idol! sheesh....they're also going to be playing 2 hours from sydney when we're there but that costs $65 cos its a wine tasting thing as well, with lots of other bands, and we cant really afford that either.

alrighty, time for a cuppa and some bad childrens programming

i couldnt get past this paragraph last night

'as she walked towards the cafe where david waited for her she thought of him with a pang of guilt. but we dont choose an object for our love, she told herself. love chooses us. lovers can always find an excuse for the hurt they do to others, she thought. and the excuse is always love itself'

return to peyton place - grace metalious

i'm going to sydney with matt in november for the weekend. should be good, i think. we're going over to see the star wars exhibition at some big museum which i have temporarily forgotten the name of. i really should try and remember because im supposed to be looking up info about it today. aaaah, smithsonian institute, there we go.....anyway, so i've been looking up what bands are going to be playing wile we're there and i cant find any :( that sucks. i wanted to go and hang out at the cool pubs with the cool people and do all that cool stuff, you know? ah well.

what else what else....i went to see mary yesterday. she said i was doing so well i dont have to see her for two weeks. i actually felt pretty good yesterday. i did lots of good things this weekend and yesterday

we bought a nice table
we looked at a new car for me
we cleaned our bedroom, even under the bed
we cleaned eli's room
we cleaned xanders room
we cleaned the lounge
we did some gardening
i made tea every night, NO TAKEAWAY!!!
i reverse parallel parked my car for only the 4th time in history (once in my driving test, twice cos i had to and then yesterday)
i made biscuits
i realised just how much i need my medicine and that its not for making me happy, its for making me handle things normally
i did three loads of washing and put them away instead of just piling them up
im making carfty things for the fete
i put my car up for sale without getting too upset

look at all those things! i'm achieving something

hang on a sec....let me just check something here.....*counting my fingers, toes, and any other useful appendage*....last night i came for the first time in about 10 weeks.....thats almost three months.....and yeah, it was pretty nice AND i didnt cry.
i think things are looking up.

matt and i put some music to my song down there...it sounds pretty cool. at the moment its just me singing and him playing guitar. marc played some drums on the table for a bit, but we havent worked out if we're going to have a proper band with it or just record it as me and him on a four track. eeeep, scary stuff.

over the last few nights we'rve been watching polyester, hairspray and pecker, three movies that sean and holly sent over for us. they're all set in baltimore, where they live, so it was cool to see all those places. we want to go there now. not that we didnt before, its just that now we've really seen it, we want to go there more. we want to have lunch in a diner and go shopping in peckers mums store and go to gay bars. ok, i know it probably doesnt all happen there, cos, you know, they are just movies, but it's nice to dream

slight of hand

never saw you till you went away
grabbed your things and headed for the train
bracelet fell from your wrist to the floor
i picked it up, i wish i could have more

part of you is mine
always with me, always on my mind
circle small, dont want to stretch it
wont fit for me, your hands are smaller
you're slight of hand

matt called holly last night. i was fine with it, i encouraged him. but i was sad after a while. i tried not to let it show but matt saw and he said goodbye to holly and hung up. ididn't want him to do that. now i wonder if holly thinks that he left because of me. i mean, she'd be right, he did leave because of me, but only cos he was worried, not because i made him. i was just feeling really sad because they were having such a good conversation, talking and laughing and enjoying themselves, and it occured to me that i'll never have that with holly again. we werent that great at talking on the phone really, but that was only because i was so nervous to talk to her. i always loved hearing her voice though. i could hear her laughing through the phone and it hit me that i'll never actually hear her, or sean, like that. if things dont get better between us, they wont come and visit. i know that holly has been talking about it lately. just in general terms, like, when we go to australia, and the 'we' part gave me some hope, but i feel like it's just talk. i know it hurts sean to hear this, but i dont think they'll visit. i know that he really does want to, and i really do want to see them too, it's just that i don't want him visiting if holly isnt ok with me. and the money thing is a huge part of it as well. matt said last night that if holly doesnt start to be ok with me agian that he wouldnt talk to her anymore. i dont want that. i dont want to break up their relationship, it shouldnt have to stop just because of me.
i miss her

i'm going to go peroxide my fingers again

i have this thing where i need to fit in as many dishes as i can into the dishwasher. and usually, matt gives up a lot earlier than i do. maybe it has a bit to do with the fact that the more dishes i stack in there, the less i actually have to wash myself, but i think that it's more to do with the challenge of beating the dishwasher at its own game. you see, when we moved in, the dishwasher was set up the way ruth would have liked it. i used it like that a bit, but then i realised that the racks can be moved around, and, lo and behold, you dont even need to use all of them. so i took some out. one i use for draining the bottles, the others are just stacked in a cupboard somewher. so now, i can put more saucpans and stuff in the bottom, whereas before they'd get caught on the racks and i couldn't stuff as much in. i like finding the little hidey spaces underneath the big pots and sticking little bowls in there.

yeah dishwasher! you clean those dishes...ALL OF THEM!!!

i just watched high fidelity on dvd......yay

still headachey today....blah. i didnt sleep much and i'm feeling yucky. i look a lot like eli did yesterday so i know how the poor little thing must have been feeling...and how he's feeling today by the look of him.
i want chocolate. a cherry ripe would be nice.
i also want some more tea and more milk cos we've almost run out and i dont want to go out into the cold to get it. i'd love one of those magical computer fridges that works out what you need. except it should just reappear when it runs out instead of having to wait for it to be delivered. i hate robots, but i want to live in a robotisized world. as mary said last night, im an interesting person.

how come no ones clicked on the bum yet? im dissappointed :(

headachey again...grr. i think it's all the reading i've been doing, and thinking about all the reading i want to do. matt bought me 'the flower boy' which is a beautiful story about a sinhalese boy named chandi who grows up on an english tea estate. he becomes best friends with elizabeth, who chandi renames rose-lizzie, one of the daughters of the sudu mahatya, the owner of glencairn, when she is born on his birthday when he is 4 years old. chandi is 17 now, and rose lizzie is 13, the war is over and all the english people must return to england and they dont know what is going to happen to chandi or prmawathi, his mum, who john, the sudu mahatya, has fallen in love with. i love all the sinhalese words. its a good book.
after that i have a choice of reading atonement or return to peyton place, which i found at goodwill on saturday during our retro/kitcsh shopping spree. i bought peyton place a couple of years ago under the same circumstances and absolutely loved it. i couldnt stop reading it. im hoping that the second book will be just as good or better.
my car is sick but it's getting fixed. it's going to cost $233 for the new radiator. i'm going to have to sell it. we looked at a corolla on saturday. it was realy nice, and when i sat in it i didnt freak out, so thats a good sign. only thing is that it's $3000 and we're only looking at spending $1500 at the most...basically whatever we can get for my car. i've had an offer of $500, but thats from a car yard guy. i'm wondering if the car yard that has the corolla will take my car as a trade in...i guess i should find out. it's a manual, but the gears seem easy enough...nice little gear box and an easy clutch.
i wonder how good mandarins are for you. i eat about three bags a week, minus the few that the boys eat. they are so yummy, and good for me...well, i dunno how good, but they're fruit so they cant be bad. i would, of course, prefer to be snacking on chocolate but i've already eaten my cherry ripe. im debating walking up the shops later and buying some chocolate but elijah isnt very well. poor little guy. he didnt sleep well last night and when he woke up this morning he was all sooky and snuggly and his eyes were puffy and sleepy. i took his temperature and it was up to 38 which isnt real good. he's had panadol now and he's in bed so i'll see how he is when he wakes up.
we got a dvd player yesterday, and a new video player. we also got three dvds for free plus 5 more but we have to send away fro them. we got lord of the rings, moulin rouge and cats and dogs. we also borrowed shrek off of matts parents and we watched that last night. xander loves it and he calls it frick so we keep asking him to say the name of the movie over and over, and he says, its not a movie, its a dvd. we bought high fidelity as well....ahhh john cusack, my would be celebrity boyfriend. hopefully we'll get to watch it tonight. it's got deleted scenes on it as well :
foreplay
theives
top five worst things
records for sale
all time hot 100
laura and liz
top five dream jobs
sonic death monkey
the interview

cant wait

we also found another of those sci-fi collection movies, the wasp woman, so now we have four alnog with the eye creature (ufo's from outerspace), killers from space and attack of the giant leeches. we've still got all the movies sean and holly sent over to watch, plus about 6 weeks worth of six feet under to catch up on. i dont know when we'll find the time

the outdoor type
smudge, covered by the lemonheads

always had a roof above me
always paid the rent
but I've never set foot inside a tent
can't build a fire to save my life
i lied about being the outdoor type

i've never slept out underneath the stars,
the closest that i came to that was one time my car
broke down for an hour in the suburbs at night
i lied about being the outdoor type.

too scared to let you know, you knew what you were looking for
i lied until I fit the bill, god bless the great indoors
i lied about being the outdoor type
i've never owned a sleeping bag let alone a mountain bike

i can't go away with you on a rock climbing weekend
what if somethings on tv and its never shown again?
its just as well i'm not invited, i'm afraid of heights
i lied about being the outdoor type

never learned to swim can't grow a beard or even fight
i lied about being the outdoor type

hey! you suck! i made that cool little box and you stuffed it up. stupid blogger....why cant this be a wysiwyg thing. took me ages to make that certificate thingo. dumbasses. well, im going to go to corel and make a better one and figure out a way to put it on here.
i'll be back later.

wa ha hey! well, on friday i got my results back for my pap smear/std test. bear with me....bear? bare?...um.... just be patient...hold your horses, thats a good one. my nanna used to always say, hold your horses, patience is a virtue. so yeah, wait a bit, ok? im about to make something spiffy....


__________________________________________
| |
| * |
| ~ * *~ |
| Congratulations! |
| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
| This is to certify that |
| |
| Carly |
| |
| is DISEASE FREE!!!|
| |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

yeah....i am the design queen

ok, now down to business. when i was about 18 i went to a blink-182 concert at the tivoli. i bought 2 tickets, one for me and one for my boyfriend at the time, darren....why i went out with him, i dont know...he had jack daniels and was under cover when it was raining...anyway. so i went there and he breaks up with me for, get this, being too bubbly and energetic for him. stupid boy. so there i am with the fun taken out of me and the anger put in, and im pacing around in the foyer and this nice blonde boy smiles at me and asks me whats wrong. so i sit at the table and talk to him till blink starts the wave and smile on the way out. then i go home and dream about him in an 18 year old way. then it occurs to me, 'write to him care of blink!' so i do. and he writes back and i write back and that goes on for a while and everything is happy. i was even saving money to go visit him cos i didnt have any other plans for my money and a holiday was as good a thing as any, and hello! i'd be hanging out with blink, yay....then theres a fire in san diego, and i freak out and call him, but all i can get is his answering machine. he writes back to say how wonderful i am for calling and then i write back and then thats it.
i of course wonder what i've done wrong until i work out that he must have gotten a girlfriend and she didnt want him writing to me, so i gave up after a while. still thought of him occasionally, of course, but i forgot about him kinda.
when i got my computer i thought, wow, i can look for cam now. so i did, and i never found anything other than his address and phone number which i already had so, nothing new there.
then i found a new search engine so i thought i'd check again, since i'd been cleaning out some of my old stuff, and i'd found my old letters from him. so i did. and i found a new site that i hadnt seen before, and even though it didnt seem to have anything to do with him, i looked at it anyway.
so there were photos of him dressed as an alien, taken by a friend of his called kerry. i emailed kerry and he wrote back, giving me cam's email address. so i wrote to him, freaking out of course, wondering if he remembered me, or even worse, if he did remember but wanted to forget. but of course, he remembered, and he was sweet about it, and nice and all that, and even remembered how we met, asking me what i'd been up to ever since that boy was so mean to me.
now, the weirder parts come into play here. that kerry guy i emailed was in brisbane the day he got the email, and coming to adelaide the next day...hows that for timing.
AND, even weirder, i was telling sean about him, and how i found him again, and how cam's band was called boyish charms. seans band type 40 was on a compliation album with boyish charms. bizzarro much.
oh, and the weirdest freakiest part is that my answering machine message to cam is on the first boyish charms album...eeeeep!
i wanna hear it :)

ok, thats about it. best get back to the real world.

PART 1....divided into parts cos i'm doing lots of quizzes :)

went to yoga today. it's a weird thing. for a while i was into learning about the gorean way of life. there is now way in the world i could do it, even on line, i dont reckon, but i like learning new things so i looked into it. anyway, after hanging around in gor rooms for a while, i found out that it was definately not my thing, BUT that i did like some things about it, like the poses, but i couldnt say why. so many of the yoga poses are gorean poses. and what kamina was reading today about the giving of yourself, taking in the good, breathing out the bad, readying yourself for what you can give to the day, it's all kinda like fixing yourself up for a day of serving some ignorant pig of a Master....or if you're extremely lucky, a nice Master.

i much prefer yoga.

now, i'm gonna steal holly's quizzes.....

26/9/2002 yep, i stole holly's quizzes then today i stole them and put them on my new page...you'll have to go there if you wanna see them

OW! my jaw hurts. i was trying to eat a biscuit the usual way i do, which....dunno, maybe you'll think it's gross, but anyway, i put it in my mouth, lick off the flavour from one side, then flip it over with my tongue and lick off the other side. except today i tried to flip it over but i couldnt get my mouth open wide enough and the biscuit got stuck upright in my mouth and my jaw was killing and it was digging into my tongue and the roof of my mouth and the doctor wouldnt do anything about it cos she said i'd have to to to the dentist and i cant remember the last time i went to the dentist it was probably when i was in highschool and i KNOW i have holes in my teeth but i hate that drill and the smell and the pain and its SCARY and i dont like it. i brush my teeth every day, come on! what else do you want!

i love strawberry freddos

we got up early and drove down to victor harbour this morning. matt had a quick job to do, and after that we drove up to the bluff for a bush walk. xander has been asking to go for weeks, and after matt and i went last weekend we felt like going again. last night i saw the weather forecast for today and it said 13 and rainy. which means down at victor it would only be about 10. i said, maybe we could go on another day? nope, we went anyway. we got out of the car up at the bluff and i could hardly open the car door because the wind was so strong. i said, maybe we could go somewhere else? somewhere not so high and windy? nope, we went anyway. with eli in the back pack and bothe the boys rugged up in beanies and parkas we trudged up the hill to the top. on the way up it was fine. the air was really cold and hurt my lungs a bit, but i was ok and the boys were enjoying themselves. eli was bouncing up and down, waving his arms around yelling, 'xander xander xander!!' excited little thing. but then we got to the top. there was no wind or rain cover and it started pelting down. rain that hurts when it hits you. the boys were screaming, matt ended up trying to carry xander and then we lost eli's hat and i was holding xans behind a big rock and he was screaming and shaking. we ran down the hill and back to the car, got in and started driving, and xander says, 'lets go bushwalking'.

we drove down to middleton beach and saw some whales. well, one whale, but it was still cool. jumping out of the water and splashing its tail around. it wasnt that far out either. i wish we'd gone yesterday or the day before, there was something like 4 whales down there then, mums and babies. cute.

then we drove through goolwa to milang and sat near matts nan's shack for a while. we were thinking that that might be a nice place to take sean and holly. it would depend on what time of the year they get here, but it still might be nice to get away for a night or two. its right on the lake and there are some antique shops around there, and muesumy kinds of things.

it rained so hard on the way home that it woke me up cos i thought the boys were playing in a whole mess of hugs plastic bags. it was this crinkling, crushing, crashing sound that totally surrounded the car. it was so SO loud.
we saw lots of cows and sheep and horses, a few goats and a wallaby...oh, and a camel.

and matt and xander got swooped by pluvers on purpose. freaks.

we're supposed to be going into the city for the career girls filmclip tomorrow except they havent let anyone know what time to be there. i reckon marc should ring andy since he's so in love with him and ask him himself but he says he'd look too desperate. of course, he's saying all of this in a totally ungay way, but it still makes matt and i have a bit of a giggle.

i just want to say that the superbad webiste freaks me out a lot more than most other things.
it also makes me keep clicking and clicking and clicking with this weird 'i dont get this, it's freaking me out' kind of look on my face. can't stop clicking though

weirdness, i tell ya, where do people get brains like this?

what the hell? click the boy, go on, i dare you

i once found a website where you had to match up all these pairs of socks and a guy did something funny. cant think what he did now. maybe i should go to bed

aaalrighty. went to the doctors today and had the most uncomfortable pap smear i've ever had. wasnt nice and i bled. she said it wasnt a lot of blood. i said i would have prefered no blood. i'll get the results in a week.

i'm feeling a bit sicky today but it's all caused by me so i dont expect any sympathy. i had a spinach and fetta roll for lunch, that was yummy. but then mum bought us a vanilla slice for desert and then she pulls out a willy wonka mud sludge bar. i put the chocolate in the fridge but it didnt last long there. so now im all full and fat and icky AND i bought myself another pair of trackpants. they're for yoga, so that makes it a little better. wasnt like i just bought them for the hell of it. they're kinda cute. grey with red piping down the side and up the top they say stars 84. i was six in 1984. i liked being 6. i was in year 2 and in my shcool photo i'm wearing a pink and grey outfit with a poodle on my skirt and my hair is all wavy and frizzy cos my mum put it in plaits the night before. i have blue sneakers on, and you can't really tell from the photo, but i'm sure my shoelaces are strawberry shortcake ones.
when i was in reception, i wet my pants in class one day and i had to go up to the office and wear some of the lost property pants. they were bright pink and had a patch thing sewed on to them up about knee to mid thigh height of a flower. i really liked those pants.
when i started at that school there were less than 100 kids there and we were all in these little portable classrooms around the quadrangle. there was a bit of an oval but mostly it was surrounded by paddocks. it'd be good to be able to send my kids somewhere like that but they're going to have to grow up with buildings everywhere.....pretty sucky.

i'm sad that holly has moved her blog. i know that it was supposed to be just for her, and that i wasnt meant to get the address in the first place but i liked being able to read what she was feeling and getting up to since we dont talk anymore. even when we are on speaking terms we dont really talk so it was really my only means of communication with her. now i just have to wonder. i know i can ask through sean how she is but it was good seeing it for myself without having to hear it through sean. i know he wouldnt lie to me but i liked seeing it with my own eyes.

stylin... our house is gonna look like one of those cool housey magazines if it kills us. it wont though cos we both love shopping for housewares. tonight we got a nice all white dinner set for $29.00, marked down from $39.99, and 6 auberginish mugs for $1 each. so YAY! we've gotten rid of all our yellow and blue. at last. thats to go with our freshly painted navajoh white walls, our funky fifties muted green, kinda brocade but still fuckin ace american steel supplies sofa bed, and the pillows that we're gonna make when we go to the city this weekend and guy the material. $25 a pop, bah! harvey norman! that's what i say to you you corporate whorebags.

on a funnier note, i'm cracking myself up lately with stupid little analogies that jump into my head at the most inopportune moments.
i'll explain the situation first. firstly, matt reckons that one of the answers to our problems is that i should do things like give him headjobs all the time. secondly, elijah was being a shit the other night and not sleeping. now, you may think that there's no connection between those two things, but keep reading, the puzzle will fall into place soon enough. matt's answer to eli not going to sleep is to keep making him bottles of milk. i told him not to cos it causes problems like him having a tummy ache and being snarkier and waking up early because he has wet jammies, but he insists on doing it anyway. so, in my head i'm saying to myself, 'listen to me, dammit, i'm his mum, i know how to look after him...you can't solve all our problems by shoving things in people's mouths' LMAO. i had to put my head under the blankets so he didnt hear me laughing. i could just see some old lady sitting there saying that, nodding and smiling knowingly, and finishing her informative lecture the same way as she does every week with... i think there's something in that for all of us.

i went and saw mary today. she said that i seemed 1000 times better this week than last week. she was really worried last week, she said i was curled up in the chair in a foetal position. she was going to send out these crisis care people to our house to check up on matt and i. i'm glad she didnt. it seems that *forgetting* in a way, and just moving on has helped a lot. i think things are going to work.
she also suggested limiting my contact with sean and holly for a while until we can all work our stuff out. i think this is a good idea and sean and i kinda talked about it wednesday as well, before mary mentioned it. ive been thinking that perhaps i'll just talk to them every second day or something....i dont know, it'll be hard, but i think it needs to be done. i wont be able to chat with them for a while anyway because i'll be busy and sean is looking after holly.
i'll be seeing a psychologist in a few months. mary doesnt want me to go until i have worked out a few more basic 'now' things and have gotten my self straightened out. she does'nt think i could handle anything too deep at the moment, that i'm too fragile to go back over things just now. she's worried that if i start now that i might break and sink further into the depression and, in turn, make it harder for any of the therapy to work. so i have to wait a while. she also made me promise not to look in the phone book anymore for people's numbers and think about calling them and saying that a member of their family is a child molester. it was hard but i did it. i told her i wont do it until after i start therapy, then i giggled :)
i have a doctors appointment tomorrow. im getting a pap smear, yay!!!! you'd think they'd work out a way of making those things a little more comfortable. i'm really not looking forward to the day i have to have a mammogram. anyway. i'm getting tested for STI's because of the whole daniel thing. i dont think i have anything to worry about and neither does matt, but sean and holly do, so im doing it for them. i told mary about this and she wanted to know if i was doing it for me because i really should be. she said 'where's that 'i am my own person' girl i've been working on?' i said i was doing it for my sanity because if i didnt i'd always have people telling me to do it.

i just hope they give me a certificate that says 'congratulations! you're free of infections!'