i've just finished screaming at my boys so much that my throat is sore. it was then i realised that i hadnt taken my medicine today. i dont know that i would be alive now if i didnt have this stuff. i miss a day and i cant handle anything. i've lost christmas presents and then i find them but cant find the wrapping paper and then i cant find the scissors or the sticky tape, and all this makes me so upset that i start shaking and hallucinating again. there are two flies in the house and i cant work out how they got in. sure, i mean, they probably just came in with the kids while they were running in and out but it bothers me that they're inside and i cant get rid of them. oh, the flies are real, not a hallucination. i dont know why i decided to write about the flies after all that stuff...just wanted to clear that up.
i bought a pair of size 16 jeans today. they're nice and they were only $30, but they're a 16 and that makes me upset. how can i put on and take off and put on weight again so fast without any change in my diet or exercise? thyroid? i think so, but according to the doctor, apparently not.
i'm even conisdering not going to my auditions. i'll be so mad with myself if i dont go but they way im feeling now i'll just do a crappy job and then feel worse after. i dont know. i havent decided on what im going to sing yet either. so far, its out of

title fight:heart vs mind - darren hanlon
falling aeroplanes - darren hanlon
cast of thousands - darren hanlon
every girl in every school - me
made me hard - whitlams
labour of love - frente

i guess i'll make up my mind on my way there. i'll practice them all tonight and see what sounds best.

i got my fine from the court today. $202. apparently according to the girl i spoke to about my payment options, i got off lightly. my actual fine was only $70, the rest is court fees, even though i didnt attend the court. more money. feh

i'm feeling a little bit better now, thanks