Sunday, August 21, 2005

i couldnt decide on just one title for this post, so you, you lucky reader, get two

its more than a little pathetic and i'm sure i'll live to regret it the lucksmiths

and i've written pages upon pages, trying to rid you from my thoughts
the decemberists

im not a bad person. its taken me a long time to believe that when i say it, but im not. i think thats why its hits me so hard when people make me feel like i am.
i have a really hard time understanding and respecting the fact that people dont want to talk to me. its not that i think i am so wonderful, i just think that nothing that i have done could be so bad that i am banned from someone, and isnt life too short to be worried about things like that?
and i think thats why i am still at least on speaking terms with the majority of ex boyfriends/girlfriends. we had something, and for one reason or another it ended, but that doesnt mean its the end of the world, the friendship or in any way negates all the times that we had before the end.
just because the relationship has ended that doesnt automatically erase everything that happened between the two of you. sometimes i think it would be great if that did happen, but there arent a lot of instances that i want to forget.
maybe that comes from the fact that i dont have an awful lot of memories from before a certain age, maybe i try and hold tight to everything that happened afterwards to make up for it. i dont know.
one thing that would be nice right now would be the ability to listen to whatever song i wanted without the inevitable tears or blank stares that last for hours as some part of me disappears to wherever it is it has to go. perhaps i need to go for a while. maybe denying the listening and the disappearing is making it worse.
and do you know what is the stupidist part? the thing that im pining for, the thing that im missing and crying over, it wasnt even mine to begin with and it never could be. that was clear from the start. but i suppose there is some ever sparkling pollyanna inside of me that will keep on thinking that everything will turn out fine in the end. i hate pollyanna right now.
last night the thing i wanted to do most was go out, get drunk and kiss people until it didnt hurt anymore.
instead i stayed home, watched a dvd, made necklaces, ate cheese and managed to stop drinking before i got drunk. part of me wishes that i had kept on drinking. that now i would have a headache to think about instead of 'conversations' that were 'had' last night.
he is right though. he has tried every way possible. he's been nice, he's been rude, he's ignored me. but its that fucking pollyanna that cant see how it couldnt end up happy, that keeps a speck of hope shining up there. maybe he'll realise that im not so bad. maybe he'll call me one day to see how im going. maybe i'll be allowed to see him one day without either of us feeling bad, without either of us thinking the 'wrong' thing to do. because in the end thats what i want.
yeah, i want his lips on mine again, his hands on my skin, the feel of him against me. but more than anything i want to hear the friendship in his voice as he asks me about my day. i want to see his name on my phone when i get a message. i want to see him playing with my kids again and not have to lie to them when they ask about him. i dont want to wipe away tears when they ask me if he's coming over to play again.
is it unreasonable to want to be friends with people? perhaps it is in some situations.

why is it so hard to let go?
when you left, you took all my favourite songs with you

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