Sunday, July 31, 2005

growing up?

i first had sex when i was 15. i had been going out with phillip for quite a while. he used to meet me at the bus stop and walk me home. we'd kiss for hours and then he'd have to go home so i could have my tea. after tea we'd talk on the phone till bed time. at this stage i was still "in love" with a boy at my school. actually, he was a fuckhead, but he was good looking and that constituted loving him for me at that time. phillip and i would walk down the street and i'd be all giggly about how 'chris looked at me today' or something equally as lame and he'd just listen and go along with it. when he left at night, we'd tell each other how much we loved each other. i dont know if this was just being young, or a sign of things to come...anyway. we got a little older and things progressed. i used to have this 'nothing below my jeans' rule. it was an imaginary line that boys werent to pass. phillip understood that for a while, but after a while longer, the line disappeared and there'd be hands down there whenever the opportunity took us.
i remember when he was trying to convince me to have sex with him. we were standing on my driveway, kissing goodbye, and he says 'its not like i havent put things in there before, i dont see how this is anything different'. at least he was honest about it. he could have been all after school special and said that it would be a sign of how much we were in love blah blah blah.
we eventually did it. actually, thats wrong. i eventually gave in and laid there while i let him have sex with me. after a few times of refusing to enjoy it, i actually did and it was nice.
but my point is, we were together for about a year, i think, before sex came into it. compared to people i meet now, the waiting time is so different.
is it because i dont have to be in love to have sex? is it because i just want it? is it because i think if i dont do it i wont get the opportunity again?
i would watch shows like the secret life of us, and i would see the characters meeting someone in a bar, taking them home, sleeping with them and then saying goodbye. i have never done that. never. never had the thought or the opportunity. i wondered if these were a different class of people. people who could live their lives without having to think about every little thing.
im not totally into thinking. i will do it, given enough time. i will go over things, what has happened, what could happen, all the different outcomes.other times i dont want to think. i just want to do and a lot of the time these are the things that cause the problems in the long run.
so are these people happy? are they content with their thoughtless, free fucking lives?
maybe im somewhere inbetween now. i dont need to be in a relationship for 6 weeks before i let the sex happen. there is no set date that i will let the hands stray below the belt. im going to let things happen, not think too much, but keep to some level of decency by not fucking everything that crosses my path

maybe that will work

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