depression is a big fish; swallow you whole

the blogging world seems to be full of women with depression and kids. its not that i've only just become one, i've always been this way, its just that i dont normally talk about it. choosing instead to talk about mundane stupid things that piss me off and the like.

but over the last few days its really gotten too much for me. i know there'll be a few of you out there who'll be thinking 'what have a done wrong? what did i do?' and hey, think that all you want, just dont expect to get an answer. its not about you, it is and always has been all about me. which is a good name for a website, but im sure someone else has always taken it. i digress.

i will also get a lot of 'whats wrong? what happened? how can i help? if you'd only just talk about it' which is fine too, please, go ahead and say that all you like, just dont expect to get an answer to those questions either.
depression sucks. thats about all i can say to you. right now, in all honesty, the most important thing to me is playing nature park on my mobile and sleeping.
the sleeping part is only happening in the day when i should be working or spending time with my family. its not happening at night, as documented in an earlier post and here

11 oclock last night i decided i needed to get drunk. this is totally not a me thing to do. i walked down the road in my pyjamas towards the botle o but it was closed so i sat at a bus stop and cut up my arms and legs with a piece of glass.

im not telling you all this for sympathy or for some need to show you how fucked up i am. im just saying it to try and explain a few things. i've dropped out of equus. i cant concentrate on it. with the court stuff going on and everything else in my life right now, its just not important

im sorry to everyone involved in the production, and everyone who was looking forward to seeing me in it. i hope you arent too disappointed. i hope it will still go on and that you will all still turn up.

im going for a while, i might finish this later