things that have made me laugh out loud today

'yes im eating a shaushage!' -eli

'So we broke up, partly because of the windshield, partly because he had this other habit of being a homosexual.' -dooce

'"That's funny that THEY are putting a restraining order on ME," I said. "Because I wasn't the one going into THEIR lawn with shovels looking for burried treasure!"

"Actually," he said, looking at his bullshit paperwork, "it says here that's exactly what you did."
"Mister Zaruba," he started, "I'm not amused by your comments about stabbing people."

"And I'm not amused by your..." I got nothing. "...stupid haircut."' -what green tastes like