another journey inside my head

my dreams are getting more and more complex. more and more like movies. more and more unlike my life. and i don't mean that in the way that in my life i wouldn't get the chance to have oral sex with ewan mcgregor, johnny depp or a sexy islander boy. i mean it in the way that even though unexpected things happen in my dreams, i don't feel useless and without power while im there.

im forgetting everything. paying bills, where i left my keys, xanders school visits. i feel like im slowly losing the frail grip on control that i had not long ago. seems like carly is switching off again.

my dream last night included riding an elephant through the sea. the water was up to my knees as i sat on its back and her trunk was swaying in the air as we paddled towards the shore. when we got there i was to feed her macadamia nuts. one for every kilometre traveled. i tried to only give her three as i knew that i wasn't supposed to ride her for that long, but in truth i owed her twenty or more. i also knew that by feeding her 20 macadamia nuts, she would be sick and everyone would know that i had been away longer than i should have.
i had to buy the nuts from a scary man that looked like faggin from oliver. he was mean and dobbed on people. i held more than enough nuts in my turned up t shirt and walked away towards the elephant keeping my eye on faggin. i fed her three, and then threw her a couple more, hoping that she would find them later.
then the bizarreness began. there were chases. someone was after someone and the chased them into the house of a mean police chief. he outsmarted the police chief and locked him inside his own house. there was a test. the answers were in alphabetical order, A through to G. there was a party for the end of school. massive. i was looking for jake, couldn't find him anywhere. i was hiding beneath mattresses and running from the people looking for the guy. 'i hid your bag behind the whorehouse, they'd never look for it there'. there was the pretty girl i had to look after. more elephants and a re-enactment of a bold and the beautiful scene that i got wrong and an argument between my aunty and the rest of my family about how she was never around...

perhaps my waking life is a little easier to understand. and if not, i'll just close my eyes and see where the dream takes me