scared

im scared of sunday and monday

for the first time in over 4 years i'll be completely unmedicated. not just gone a day without my meds, but entirely, completely, 100% unmedicated.

i've been sleeping most of this week, while i've been winding down my meds. its taken a while. its a long way down from 300 to zero. 4 days of 150, 4 days of 75, 4 days of 37.5.

then sunday and monday i have to go it alone

ive been waking up, getting the kids to school, then retreating back into my covers. when im sleeping i dont notice that im shaking. that im dizzy. that the silver sparkles are everywhere. that im staring off into space. when im sleeping i'm dreaming and i dont have to think about how to pass the hours.

when three oclock comes, i get to the school, get the kids, come home. feed them, settle them down, and im back to sleep. or if not sleep, im cuddled up with one, staring into space while i hear about which pokemon is the best one to catch and why its good to use lots if colours in a drawing. i try to be interested. i am interested. ok, not in pokemon, but in the fact that they have an interest. i just cant show it. right now i am incapable of showing an emotion that isnt 'im tired, leave me alone'

there is no where else i would rather be, than here alone or on the other said of the world.

.................................................................................

on tuesday i start prozac.

this makes me feel like a celebrity, in some way. at the same time its a fake antidepressant, but a name that makes me feel like what i have is real.

its possible that i will be quite quiet until my brain settles down and i start functioning properly again.

its also possible that i could be chatty and be writing on here all week.

who knows

i guess we'll both find out soon enough