Wednesday, September 28, 2005

and then i got told i was fat

i've been pretty happy lately. im down to 2 75mg tablets of effexor a day now and im coping. i've only lost it at the kids a couple of times, and it has been confirmed by other people that they are being particularly persnickety lately. i've been keeping my house relativly tidy. i've not been messaging people i shouldnt. i've been returning emails. ive been having pleasant dreams. i havent been cutting. i've been going out, not hiding in my house.

a lot of this has been due to spending time with tom. he makes me happy and sparkly and i've been enjoying myself a lot. the way he looks at me makes me feel special and princessy and im feeling good about the time we have together. i know it has to end, but i think i'm dealing with it ok, especially for now.

i havent really been thinking about the court case, but when i have ive been ok. i keep telling myself i'll be fine, and that theres nothing to be scared of. and then i remember that its actually not very far away at all. december. early december. the first week of december. its only 2 months away.

nina from the dpp called me the other day and we organised a court tour. this is when i began to lose it. i could feel all my good work, all my keeping strong and brave starting to unravel. we went inside a court room and i got to sit in the witness box. to get to the witness box you have to walk right past the box where he will be court that picture is an old one. now they gave some thick faintly tinted glass around the box that he'll be sitting in. and i can have a screen up between us. i said that i would have it there and use it if i needed it, but that was before i knew what the layout of the room was. i'll definatley be having the screen now. i'll be sitting right next to him. who designed these rooms? my mum isnt going to be able to talk with him right there next to her! i dont think i'll be able to either

i left there and i messaged people. i couldnt find anyone who was nearby. simon helped me last time i tried to find the court, so i messaged him. he reminded me there was nothing to be scared of...just an insect, remember.

tom messaged me, that made me happier too but i realy needed someone. a body. somebody to hold me and say it was going to be ok, not just electronic words in my palm.
i caught the tram down to matts work, crying all the way, and when i got there i was treated to information about l. i dont mind, i really dont. yeah, there's a part of me thats jealous, but only because its not me making him happy anymore. but it hasnt been me making him happy for years, so really its not my place. but it was just the timing, it may sound selfish but i needed it to be about me at that time. i dont know if im coping now. i dont know if i can do it. i dont know if i can sit there with him that close to me, and tell them what he did to me.

then i came home and read the comments of my last post. so thanks truth fairy and fat albert, you just added to my most pleasant day. now i feel like hiding again because not only am i a bad person who bad things happen too, im also fat and disgusting.

you know what? i know im not those things, but it only takes a little reminder, a little push for me to start believing again.

last night i dreamed of car crashes, of bikes smashing into cars, no one stopping to help, just keep on driving, just get out of there...just get out of here

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