Friday, April 01, 2005

seeing the future

when you're young you have this image of your life
that you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife

special two - missy higgins

when i was younger...possibly 10 or a little older, i wrote a letter to myself. it was like a guideline to what i believed in.
it said i would love my kids no matter what, and that i would never have an abortion.
there was never any mention of marriage, or a boyfriend. and i know that even though i knew in my heart that i liked girls, i wouldnt have written it down. there were some things i could never be truthful about, even in my own diary because my whole life i have felt like im starring in somebody elses show. that im being interviewed on a current affair. that all my secrets will come out and every one will know. i had to lie to myself, to my audience that was listening. i couldnt be truthful for that would be showing all of me. no one can see all of me. you cant see all of me. if you see it, then i'll have to see it and i dont want to face it right now. right now or too scared of what i'll see as i have absolutely no idea of what is hiding there.

one of my strongest memories is being told off for something i didnt do. just because i was the oldest didnt mean i was the one in charge. that fell to the third eldest there, the daughter of the woman who was yelling at me. yelling in my face that i was a selfish and stupid girl.i couldnt speak up for myself. who would believe me anyway? it didnt matter what i did. i wasnt running the show myself. i was in the show remember? one of the cast, being moved around my life by somebody elses wishes.

the fact i never saw myself with a boyfriend/girlfriend, was that a concious thing? did i think i would end up with no one or did i know i couldnt be with any one?

im running out of rope here. i cant see myself lasting for much longer.

is there somewhere i can go?

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