i want a lover i dont have to love

i rang mark last night



i think i was 16 in that picture. we're at greg and nickys wedding. i did really love mark, and i know that he loved me too. but for some reason or another i decided to fuck it up and dump him. he cried, lots. i dont even think i gave him a reason. i dont remember doing it, i just remember him coming over and sitting on the end of my bed while i lay there and listened to all the slow songs on you am i's sound as ever on high rotation. one night after that we went out for a drive and i fell asleep in his car. when i woke up, we were parked and he was talking to me. telling me he was planning to ask me to marry him when i turned 18.

about a year ago i called mark and we had a big catch up. i actually called him to tell him about all the court stuff but i couldnt do it. so this time i told him as soon as he answered the phone. i started crying and i said that i was sure that what happened to me had affected my ability to have a normal relationship with someone and that i was sorry for what i had done all those years ago. he kind of laughed it off, and said that everything happens for a reason and that things had worked out great for him in the long run. i felt a bit stupid saying all that stuff, but i also felt better that i had said it to him after so long.



this is a photo of me and mum when we lived in whyalla. whyalla is a hole, by the way, dont go there.
my mum looks happy there which makes me think that i must have been too. i look about 18 months old, what could i possibly have to worry about?



this is one of my favourite photos. and again, we're all happy. i think mums about my age in that photo. im cute. im glad i dont have hair like my mum



and heres a photo of me and my dad. dont i look precious? im happy there to. i wonder when things started to go bad? was it after dad left or before? was it when all teh shit happened that im going to court for? or was i already messed up?

im trying to pin point what happened in my growing up that made it so impossible for me to have a proper relationship with someone.

if i have my own kitten, and i saw another one walking past, why cant i resist picking it up and stroking it? can't i be happy with my own kitten? why am i so jealous of everyone elses kittens? why cant i be happy with what i have?

i want a lover i dont have to love

I picked you out
Of a crowd and talked to you.
Said I liked your shoes,
You said, "Thanks, Can I follow you?"

So it's up the stairs,
And out of view. No prying eyes.
I poured some wine.
I asked your name;
You asked the time.

Now it's two o'clock.
The club is closed,
We are up the block.
Your hands are on me,
Pressing hard against your jeans,
Your tongue in my mouth,
Trying to keep the words from coming out,
You didn't care to know
Who else may have been you before.

I want a lover I don't have to love,
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck.
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here,
But I'm not sure.
I've got the money
If you've got the time.
He said, "It feels good."
I said "I'll give it a try."

Then my mind went dark,
We both forgot where your car was parked.
Let's just take the train.
I'll meet up with the band in the morning

Bad actors, with bad habits...
Some sad singers, they just play tragic.
And the phone is ringing,
And the van is leaving
Let's just keep touching,
Let's just keep...keep singing

I want a lover I don't have to love,
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full.
I need some meaning I can memorize.
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind.

But you, but you...

You write such pretty words,
But life's no storybook.
Love's an excuse to get hurt.
And to hurt.
Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do.
Then hurt me,
Then hurt me,
Then hurt me...-

brighteyes

i dont know if thats totally true though. i think what i really want is someone who can make me smile and make me sparkle. someone who can look after me and leave me alone as well. some give and take. someone to hold on to and to let go but be there to come back to. someone to kiss it better and make it all go away