hey!

who got here by searching for chris elze???? did you find what you were looking for?

bet you were disapointed when you found out it was just me

comments

there are a couple of posts down there with quite a few comments...if i keep posting they'l drop off the page, so if anyone would like to add to those comments just do it on this post so i dont have to go through my archives to see what you're all saying.

savvy?

growing up

when you're 27, sometimes you wonder if its about time you grew up. and sometimes you think yeah, you know, it probably is.

and sometimes you think, no, no its really not.

last night i bought a packet of coco pops, not because i thought the kids would like them, but because there was a one in three chance of winning a light saber spoon.

and i wanted the spoon


we didnt get the spoon....two more packets to go

mah jong

so my latest obsession is online mahjong. healthier than faeriebread. but i can find one that i can just play. i have to download it and i only have an hour. anyone know where i can download mahjong quest without having to pay for it?

just thinking how...

i dont know who jason mraz is, but it always made me laugh how in his film clip he's driving around in his mrazda

i know

i want a lover i dont have to love

i rang mark last night



i think i was 16 in that picture. we're at greg and nickys wedding. i did really love mark, and i know that he loved me too. but for some reason or another i decided to fuck it up and dump him. he cried, lots. i dont even think i gave him a reason. i dont remember doing it, i just remember him coming over and sitting on the end of my bed while i lay there and listened to all the slow songs on you am i's sound as ever on high rotation. one night after that we went out for a drive and i fell asleep in his car. when i woke up, we were parked and he was talking to me. telling me he was planning to ask me to marry him when i turned 18.

about a year ago i called mark and we had a big catch up. i actually called him to tell him about all the court stuff but i couldnt do it. so this time i told him as soon as he answered the phone. i started crying and i said that i was sure that what happened to me had affected my ability to have a normal relationship with someone and that i was sorry for what i had done all those years ago. he kind of laughed it off, and said that everything happens for a reason and that things had worked out great for him in the long run. i felt a bit stupid saying all that stuff, but i also felt better that i had said it to him after so long.



this is a photo of me and mum when we lived in whyalla. whyalla is a hole, by the way, dont go there.
my mum looks happy there which makes me think that i must have been too. i look about 18 months old, what could i possibly have to worry about?



this is one of my favourite photos. and again, we're all happy. i think mums about my age in that photo. im cute. im glad i dont have hair like my mum



and heres a photo of me and my dad. dont i look precious? im happy there to. i wonder when things started to go bad? was it after dad left or before? was it when all teh shit happened that im going to court for? or was i already messed up?

im trying to pin point what happened in my growing up that made it so impossible for me to have a proper relationship with someone.

if i have my own kitten, and i saw another one walking past, why cant i resist picking it up and stroking it? can't i be happy with my own kitten? why am i so jealous of everyone elses kittens? why cant i be happy with what i have?

i want a lover i dont have to love

I picked you out
Of a crowd and talked to you.
Said I liked your shoes,
You said, "Thanks, Can I follow you?"

So it's up the stairs,
And out of view. No prying eyes.
I poured some wine.
I asked your name;
You asked the time.

Now it's two o'clock.
The club is closed,
We are up the block.
Your hands are on me,
Pressing hard against your jeans,
Your tongue in my mouth,
Trying to keep the words from coming out,
You didn't care to know
Who else may have been you before.

I want a lover I don't have to love,
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck.
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here,
But I'm not sure.
I've got the money
If you've got the time.
He said, "It feels good."
I said "I'll give it a try."

Then my mind went dark,
We both forgot where your car was parked.
Let's just take the train.
I'll meet up with the band in the morning

Bad actors, with bad habits...
Some sad singers, they just play tragic.
And the phone is ringing,
And the van is leaving
Let's just keep touching,
Let's just keep...keep singing

I want a lover I don't have to love,
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full.
I need some meaning I can memorize.
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind.

But you, but you...

You write such pretty words,
But life's no storybook.
Love's an excuse to get hurt.
And to hurt.
Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do.
Then hurt me,
Then hurt me,
Then hurt me...-

brighteyes

i dont know if thats totally true though. i think what i really want is someone who can make me smile and make me sparkle. someone who can look after me and leave me alone as well. some give and take. someone to hold on to and to let go but be there to come back to. someone to kiss it better and make it all go away

gold in the air of summer

without giving anything away, I can say it's by the sea
it's a house that used to be the home of a friend of mine
without giving anything away, you'll find ships inside of bottles
and the garden's overgrown, the house is white but the paint is coming of

I didn't know if you wanted to, when I came to pick you up
you didn't even hesitate, and now you and me are on our way
I think I've brought everything we need so don't look back
don't think of the other places you should have been
it's a good thing that you came along with me

gold in the air of summer
you'll shine like gold in the air of summer

kings of convenience

yeah i said i was gonnna shut up for a little while but i was probalay lying cos imn ytalkiing ere now and i'vbe done lots of writing and posting lesewhere. when i was in year 10 me and karlie would write elzewhere cos we liked chris elze. girls are stupid. boys are stupid too tho cos they dont think or maybe they think too much but if you kissed someone and then said you weer maybe hgoung to sydney and so then the girl you kissed sayus can i see you befoer you leabe and you sday yews and then its all of a sudden three months later and you havent returnde ANY sms's to that girl....well, you'd be mean and not nice and then you have the nerve to say 'i didnt have an credit' for 3 fucking months?? move to sydney cos the tafe course is cheaperr and then live off of no money cos you're too poor to survive there. stupid. dont you love how i used proper apostrophes and stuff in you're.? kent? you saw that hey? im clever at some stuff

and very very silly at other stuff

and boys who say you're (again kent) speciual and intrersting and intriguing and sexy and cute and then say they love their girlfriends which is fine! love her, thats jkust great. not fair on me but whatever
doesnt matter

I Don't Know What I Can Save You From

You called me after midnight,
it must have been three years since we last spoke.
I slowly tried to bring back,
the image of your face from the memories so old.
I tried so hard to follow,
but didn't catch a half of what had gone wrong,
said "I don't know what I can save you from."
I don't know what I can save you from.
I asked you to come over,
and within half an hour,
you were at my door.
I had never really known you,
but I realized that the one you were before,
had changed into somebody for whom
I wouldn't mind to put the kettle on.
Still I don't know what I can save you from.

kings of convenience

i think i might just be quiet for a little while

lady's sandwhich

i just attempted to make my favourite sandwhich. nope, it's my favourite and i've never made it myself, ever. i get one every fortnight or so and it is by far the tastiest sandwhich i have ever had.

sharyn and i discovered the lady's sandwhich at play and fun. its three slices of bread, ham, cheese, tomato and spring onion, toasted. its $4.95 and it rules.

my homestyle lady's sandwhich wasnt as good. i need a fancy deli shop toastie machine to keep everything warm and toast it just right. plus its better when its brought out to you with a cappucino as well.

dear person who works at sa water

you're becoming a pretty regular visitor. why dont you leave a comment and say hello?

love carly

thankyou

i piss on you, you pathetic little insect
what the hell have you got that's so special it can make me feel upset? nothing!
im the one who can turn his life into shit, and i will.
im the master!
the one!
noone can even come near my level of power and the confidence it brings.

really not a catch up post

i dont think i've ever sent so many emails.

(if after you'ver read that you start whining cos there arent any emails from me in your inbox, just suck it up and get over it. *end rant*)

making new friends is always nice. you might remember reading about lovely simon who rubbed up against me at the lucksmiths gig*. he's turned out to be a really good friend and i'm very glad we met.

i think you should all go out and buy the paper tiger ep and listen to it and love it because its rad and pretty.

i know i havent written much lately, and it's not even that ive been busy. i just havent really had many words for here. i've been song writing a lot. and talking in my head. i'll get it all donw for you one day.

i found out today that my job is supposed to be ending tomorrow. fortunatley helen renegotiated my contract and i can stay until the beginning of june. it's better than nothing i guess, but i'd like to stay longer. there's a job going at the hub library that i applied for. less hours and futher away, and i'd have to work sundays but thee arent exactly jobs falling from the sky around here so i'll be happy with it if i get it. that one only lasts until november, so whatever happens i'll be out of a job by the end of the year.
i guess a good thing about that will be i wont have to take time off for the trial. speaking about that, i got lost in the city today. i was supposed to meet nina from the dpp at the court today for a tour. i found the magistrates court. when i parked the car i sat there for a second and couldnt remember driving there. always a good sign.
i hung around for about 10 minutes looking for a 'short woman dressed in black' and couldnt find one so i went inside. not in there either so i ask around and apparently there are 2 courts, the magistrates court and the supreme court. so i cross teh road to the supreme court and she's not in there either. i do find a helpful security guard though who tells me i should probably be in the sir samuel way building which is across theroad the other way. by this time its half past 3, half and hour late for my appointment. i sit around there for 15 minutes and then leave. apart from the buildings themselves the whole thing was a pretty crappy experience. i looked around myself and saw where the people waited before they were called in to the trial. all sitting together, how nice. i wonder if they'll let me stick a screen infront of him out there? and i had to listen to people discussing jail
'many blokes in there?'
'yeah, its fucking packed man. saw macka, but'
and it was hot and sunny out the front of the magistrates court and the newspaper i had was boring and it all made me very grumpy and i'm pretty sure i would have looked a little like this

ready for bed, i think

then we went to open night at xander's school. he's doing really well. he just needs to listen.

now i'm home, the kids are in bed, matts and band practice and im about to go to bed and read. such is the boring life i lead.

good night

*mehehe

the ladybugs 12, on the ladybugs picnic

i cant remember how i found this, but it made my day. there are 12 there that i dont remember, but there are ones that he forgot as well. i spose its not forgetting because they are memories of his favourites, but here are the ones i would add to his list

the ladybugs 12

One two three
Four five six
Seven eight nine
Ten eleven twelve
Ladybugs
Came to the ladybugs' picnic

One two three
Four five six
Seven eight nine
Ten eleven twelve
And they all played games
At the ladybugs' picnic

They had twelve sacks so they ran sack races
They fell on their backs and they fell on their faces
The ladybugs 12
At the ladybugs' picnic

They played jump rope but the rope it broke
So they just sat around telling knock-knock jokes
The ladybugs 12
At the ladybugs' picnic

One two three
Four five six
Seven eight nine
Ten eleven twelve
And they chatted away
At the ladybugs' picnic

They talked about the high price of furniture and rugs
And fire insurance for ladybugs
The ladybugs 12
At the ladybugs' picnic
12!

the orange crayon

this started with a little girl sitting in her backyard colouring in (or coloring, as she would have been in america). when she picks up the orange crayon she holds it up to her face and the camera zooms until her face is fuzzy and the crayon is in focus. then all of a sudden we're in the crayon factory! this is so great! so that's how crayons are made! wow!

b is for bubble

B is for bubble
Bubble, bubble, bubble
B is for bubble
Bubble, bubble, bubble
B is for bubble and bubblegum
And B is for brother who brought you some
And B is better than any letter for bubblegum

and so on, and so on and so on. i loved singing rounds. when we were doing vocal warm ups for forum, kylie made us sing one that you sing with the scales, but instead of humming or whatever you sing
1
121
12321
1234321
123454321
12345654321
1234567654321
12345678
8
878
87678
8765678
876545678
87654345678
8765432345678
876543212345678

we sang that in a round. its bloody hard

lower case n

i always felt bad for lower case n

In a cold and far-off place
There was a lower-case N.
Lonely and cold, she would stare off into space
And it was known that she would cry now and then.

Lower-case N, standing on a hill.
The wind is very still, for the lower-case eh-en...

(occasional, unearthly "oohs" in background now)

And then one day a rocketship
Came racing from the sky.
It landed on the hill and there opened up a door
And somethin' started comin' outside...

A lower-case N!
(She's not lonely anymo-o-re)
They are standing on the hill
(There are two that stand for su-u-ure)
The wind is very still
For the lower-case eh-ens!

there are so many! doin the pigeon! when REM come on and sing furry happy monsters!
i remember watching one morning with x and zoolander guy??? ga! my memory is working overtime on sesame street, i cant think of other things...ben stiller. ok, ben stiller was on and he was singing people in your neighbourhood and he came dressed as cheese

cheese is a person in your neighbourhood

my personal favourites from mikes list are "i made it out of clay, bert", Pinball number count", "super grover" and "near and far". i think grover has always been my favourite on sesame street

melbourne

i finally got my film developed from when i went away. seeing it all made me want to hop a plane and leave again. maybe sydney this time? dont know anyone there but that could be part ofthe adventure, right?



here's a pic of the st kilda festival. that amount of people you can see is about a millionzillionth of the total number of people there. massive.
and you can see hans and krystal who took care of me while theresa worked and was getting to know a boy who we later found out was a bit possesive and should have left us (her) alone.

anyway

next pics!



here we have some of the sights around theresa house. the skipping girl sign, that i know you cant see very well, but i only had a crappy disposable camera, is across the road from ikea!!!! i want to go there again.
the termy was where i drank a beer! at a bar! and got told i looked like a lolly by a drunk boy.
then there's beautiful theresa. everyone look at her and say 'aaaaw'. now hush cos you're all sposed to love me.

horsey school tomorrow

neeeeigh

tonight

i really feel like going out and getting drunk tonight. staying up for hours and talking and not worrying about anything

anyone care to join me?

why my kids are the coolest, ever

when asked what movie they would like to watch, they reply lord of the rings, big fish, or mallrats.
when asked what music they would like to listen to, they reply brighteyes (or morrisey, as e said today).
when asked what kind of birthday party x would like this year, he says 'a disco party....with rock!'

toast is the best food

ever

nothing worse

one day my mum went outside to check the letter box and came back in really angry. she was tearing up a piece of paper, saying 'there's nothing worse!'
mum had gotten a chain letter. you know, send this to so many people and good luck will come to you. i must have been quite small in this memory but old enough to think of things in terms of how they would benefit me, because i remember thinking something along the lines of 'if there's nothing worse than a chain letter, all i have to do is never write one and everything else i do wrong will be ok'. but then of course the evil little devil side of me wanted to try out a chain letter and see if it worked. i never did it though, and i'm glad. i get a lot of emails that are chain emails. send this to 5 people in 5 five minutes and you will have an ok day tomorrow, send it to 10 people and you're day will be good, 15 people and it'll be great, send it to 100 and you'll get a marriage proposal, plus there'll be a cure for cancer. this is all very well and good. lies, but whatever. it plays on the weaknesses of people who arent feeling good about themselves and are willing to put their hopes in anything to get better again.

the worst part about these letters, the part that i hate the most is the BUT. there's always a catch. if you dont send it on you'll get bad luck. you'll lose that winning lottery ticket, the boy you like will ask your best friend to marry him. you'll get fat, be run over by a bus, but not die because the bus wont be able to get its wheels over you and you'll be stuck. so not only will this be painful, but embarrassing too because they'll have to get a crane lift up the bus, and then to get you up into the ambulance

so yeah, dont send me any chain letters

the last time i did this i bolded so many more

bold for what ive read

#1 The Bible
#2 Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
#3 Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes
#4 The Koran
#5 Arabian Nights
#6 Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
#7 Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift
#8 Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
#9 Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
#10 Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
#11 Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli
#12 Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe
#13 Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank
#14 Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
#15 Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
#16 Les Misérables by Victor Hugo
#17 Dracula by Bram Stoker
#18 Autobiography by Benjamin Franklin
#19 Tom Jones by Henry Fielding
#20 Essays by Michel de Montaigne
#21 Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
#22 History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon
#23 Tess of the D’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
#24 Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
#25 Ulysses by James Joyce
#26 Decameron by Giovanni Boccaccio
#27 Animal Farm by George Orwell
#28 Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell
#29 Candide by Voltaire
#30 To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
#31 Analects by Confucius
#32 Dubliners by James Joyce
#33 Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
#34 Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway
#35 Red and the Black by Stendhal
#36 Capital by Karl Marx
#37 Flowers of Evil by Charles Baudelaire
#38 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
#39 Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D. H. Lawrence
#40 Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
#41 Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser
#42 Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
#43 Jungle by Upton Sinclair
#44 All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque
#45 Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx
#46 Lord of the Flies by William Golding
#47 Diary by Samuel Pepys
#48 Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
#49 Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy
#50 Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
#51 Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak
#52 Critique of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant
#53 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey
#54 Praise of Folly by Desiderius Erasmus
#55 Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
#56 Autobiography of Malcolm X by Malcolm X
#57 Color Purple by Alice Walker
#58 Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger
#59 Essay Concerning Human Understanding by John Locke
#60 Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
#61 Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe
#62 One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
#63 East of Eden by John Steinbeck
#64 Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison
#65 I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
#66 Confessions by Jean Jacques Rousseau
#67 Gargantua and Pantagruel by François Rabelais
#68 Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes
#69 The Talmud
#70 Social Contract by Jean Jacques Rousseau
#71 Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
#72 Women in Love by D. H. Lawrence
#73 American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser
#74 Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler
#75 Separate Peace by John Knowles
#76 Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
#77 Red Pony by John Steinbeck
#78 Popol Vuh
#79 Affluent Society by John Kenneth Galbraith
#80 Satyricon by Petronius
#81 James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
#82 Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
#83 Black Boy by Richard Wright
#84 Spirit of the Laws by Charles de Secondat Baron de Montesquieu
#85 Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut
#86 Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
#87 Metaphysics by Aristotle
#88 Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder
#89 Institutes of the Christian Religion by Jean Calvin
#90 Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse
#91 Power and the Glory by Graham Greene
#92 Sanctuary by William Faulkner
#93 As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
#94 Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin
#95 Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig
#96 Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
#97 General Introduction to Psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud
#98 Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
#99 Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee by Dee Alexander Brown
#100 Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
#101 Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman by Ernest J. Gaines
#102 Émile by Jean-Jacques Rousseau
#103 Nana by Émile Zola
#104 Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
#105 Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin
#106 Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
#107 Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein
#108 Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck
#109 Ox-Bow Incident by Walter Van Tilburg Clark
#110 Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
#111 War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
#112 The Charterhouse of Parma by Stendhal
#113 The Voyage of the Beagle by Charles Darwin
#114 Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

parallelograms of sunshine fell across the room

You know I'm thinking of you
In the bookstore, in the laundromat
Guess how much I love you
Much more, more than that
Guess how much I love you
More than that

Here's me
Here's you
Draw a line between the two
This is cartography for beginners
On a map the gap's three fingers
But it's more than that
It's more than that

guess how much i love you - the lucksmiths

im feeling better today. im sorry about the last few posts. you can all relate, i suppose, to the down days. i just happen to have been getting them quite a lot lately.
friday was not a good day. so when i remembered that i had tickets to the lucksmiths that night i almost called matt and got him to organise someone else to have my ticket. i really wasnt up to it. i talked myself into it tho. figuring that i'd be mad at myself if i didnt go since i love them so much, and that i could just find a seat, sit down and listen and maybe for a couple of hours i wouldnt think about how crappy everything seemed to be at that moment.

matt wasnt helping. we dropped the boys off at his parents house and they went off to see a movie. we hopped back in the car and drove off and he wouldnt tell me where he was going. when we pulled up at the lakes hotel i sighed and thought to myself, 'oh, dinner...maybe eating will make me feel better' since i've not been eating very well lately. i also thought that that was nice, him taking me out for tea. but then we walked into the bottle-o and he grabbed a pack of baileys glides for me. i didnt want them, but i really really did. he opened one up for me as soon as we got back into the car and i had finished them all before we left for the gig. it scares me but at the same time i want to give in just to feel something different for a change.

it helped, it must have, because i was actually talking and laughing before we left.

fred astereo played first. here's an excerpt from his bio

Ever wished someone were making music that you could slowdance to with a broom, like in some old black and white film? Guess what ? the swoonworthy melodies on Fred Astereo?s debut album I Love You may well hold the key to mystery worlds of forbidden fantasy... ?Just say the word and I will gladly do most anything ? release the demons from my soul, hit my head with a chair? croons Fred Astereo (aka Stanley Paulzen) on track one ?Sleepytown?, and it?s soon apparent I Love You is an album for lovers, dreamers, fools.

then ladybug transistor who were good aswell. we didnt actually see much of them, as we were out in the beer garden plotting our world domination of the adelaide music scene and discussion metal compounds, but they sounded really good and had a cute key board player and cute accents

the jade monkey is a really cool place to play and to see bands. it even has comfy lounges and a beer garden, and its no smoking which rules. on the way to or from the beer garden is usually pretty cramped though. i was going to say crowded but the place only holds 180 people, so cramped it is. and as i walked inside on my way to the loos i had to squeeze past some people at a table and a boy. the "boy" happened to be simon from paper tiger who i've already gushed about because hes lovely, writes beautiful songs and has a cute accent. we smiled at each other and were on out way. then the same thing happened on the way back, another squeeze past each other, another smile.

when the lucksmiths started i charmed my way into a good spot by smiling at a boy and asking nicely to stand in front of him since i was shorter and he said yes. there were three very special people having a dance in the front so i didnt join them since they were all in a special place of their own and taking up quite a bit of space with their dancing. i bopped away behind a very short girl and danced and danced till i realised i could feel someone against my left arm. i kind of moved away a little but then realised that i could feel it again.

remember that?

remember being at bands, seeing someone you thought looked nice and dancing next to them. so close that sooner or later you just hold hands and it all feels right?

well that was what was happening to me last night, all except for the hand holding anyway



it was so nice to feel like that again. it was just so nice to feel. i've been reminded that its not like people dont want me or pay attention to me, but this was that feeling. that new feeling. that 'i'll bottle you and take you out when i need a smile' feeling

so the band ended. i had a bit of a whinge, 'no no! come back! play more!' and simon suggested i go outside and ask them nicely, making sure to say 'please please'. his friend had been accosted by the crazy dancing lady so we attended to his broken chinese burned arm. crazy dancing lady.

funniest part of the night? telling simon and his friend that i'm in a band called humblebee and getting an 'oh yeah, i recognise that name' and then saying 'we've never played anywhere or released anything'. either that or giving our eps to mark monnone and when he asked if we gig much, just laughing as an answer.

hello, we're humblebee and we are the worlds laziest band

when i told simon i had to go he seemed a tad disappointed. i told him i had to work the next day, and that im a librarian. oh yeah, that got him. now he knows im sexy instead of just sensing it. is it only me who knows i live in a world of make believe or do you all know that?

despite telling him where i worked, when and that he should come and visit me, he didnt, so of course i have a broken heart but oh well. there's a lindt gold bunny sitting in the fridge with xander's name on it and then my name written over the top of it, so im going to grab that, retire to bed and read

again, im really sorry everyone. i havent been well lately and im sure it will return, but im just enjoying the good feeling while it lasts

why are the bad things so attractive?

things going through my mind right now:

leave
go
go away
run
far far away
stop
end
its the end?
please?
enough
get in the car
go go go
go
go
go
drive
away
far away
hospital?
tell them
tell them the truth
tell them you dont want this anymore
escape
airplane
train
bus
car
walk
escape
bad
do something bad

seeing the future

when you're young you have this image of your life
that you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife

special two - missy higgins

when i was younger...possibly 10 or a little older, i wrote a letter to myself. it was like a guideline to what i believed in.
it said i would love my kids no matter what, and that i would never have an abortion.
there was never any mention of marriage, or a boyfriend. and i know that even though i knew in my heart that i liked girls, i wouldnt have written it down. there were some things i could never be truthful about, even in my own diary because my whole life i have felt like im starring in somebody elses show. that im being interviewed on a current affair. that all my secrets will come out and every one will know. i had to lie to myself, to my audience that was listening. i couldnt be truthful for that would be showing all of me. no one can see all of me. you cant see all of me. if you see it, then i'll have to see it and i dont want to face it right now. right now or ever.im too scared of what i'll see as i have absolutely no idea of what is hiding there.

one of my strongest memories is being told off for something i didnt do. just because i was the oldest didnt mean i was the one in charge. that fell to the third eldest there, the daughter of the woman who was yelling at me. yelling in my face that i was a selfish and stupid girl.i couldnt speak up for myself. who would believe me anyway? it didnt matter what i did. i wasnt running the show myself. i was in the show remember? one of the cast, being moved around my life by somebody elses wishes.

the fact i never saw myself with a boyfriend/girlfriend, was that a concious thing? did i think i would end up with no one or did i know i couldnt be with any one?

im running out of rope here. i cant see myself lasting for much longer.

is there somewhere i can go?

please

no more