Thursday, April 27, 2006

should you catch me, if i fall...

i didnt make a new years resolution. i dont normally, but i guess i think about it and say to myself, 'yeah, i should eat better or exercise more', but this year i didnt make one at all. when i think about it now, it occurs to me that i really had no idea what i wanted, and im glad i didnt make a fake promise to myself.

you know what its like when your friend is going out with a fuckwit, and you can tell her and tell her, but she wont break up with him until she realises it for herself, rather than being told? yeah, me to. because its recently hit me really hard what it is that i do, that people have repeatedly told me not to.

i fall

i fall for a smile or a few pretty words. i fall for some new attention, some new comments and new compliments. i fall and i fall hard.

thats not to say that what i have felt for various people hasnt been real, its just that im beginning to realise that maybe it wasnt as real as i hoped, or made it out to be.

my life, a few years ago, was hard, but now that i am far away enough from it to see it properly, it wasnt as hard as it seemed. i had a house, a home. someone who loved me, and two beautiful babies to love, and in return they gave me everything they possibly could. i turned away from that as soon as someone smiled at me. i would come home and resent the daily life i had made for myself. why did i need to be here, cleaning up after these people, when i could be out, having fun, meeting new people, forgetting my responsibilities? it was too loud here, too full of the things i once thought i wanted.

longing...things i long for...peaceful night, strangers at the door

i know that it hurt him. i could see it and i could feel it when i looked at him. but instead of fixing it, i was angry at him for not realising what i needed. some sort of escape from the road my life had taken. cant you see that i need more than this?

but you're wanting his heart while im wanting yours

when i left i believed completely that what i was doing was the right thing. that everyone would be better off, not just me. that i wasnt being selfish because it was obvious that none of us were happy with the situation we were living in, and that if i took myself out of the equation, it would be better for everyone.

there was a song a few years ago now that said something about how in highschool, relationships should only last a few weeks and then you would move on to the next person. i guess the idea being that not only did everyone get a go, but you didnt have to get into the hard stuff after those first two months of happy, sunny feelings. i looked for sunny everywhere i went because there was a shadow chasing me, creeping up closer and faster with every step that i took.

when i joined the 300 club, i mistakenly thought that the shadow might become a little less gloomy, that the sunny might not appear to be so far away. i shouldnt have been told about the xanax, about the good feeling it would give me, the feeling of floating and calm. i am too scared to take them, im too scared to be addicted.

the sunny is as far away as ever, and im spending nights sitting at the petrol station, crying, that i want my home, my family and another baby. it wasnt until i said it that i even knew i wanted it.

now i've had a chance to sit back and think about the words that left my mouth, i can see that i am not ready for that again. but im also not going to give in to the temptation that i can feel creeping again. i need to concentrate now. its ok to have friends, its ok to make new ones. but this one i'll be keeping as a friend unless it is totally, 100% the right thing to do.

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