bid on ebay now and own something i made with my own two hands!

it's taken me forever, but im finally starting o add stuff to ebay. check it out here and bid bid bid till you cant bid no more!

90 cent champagne = bad idea

i've never drank (drunk? drink?) had champagne. i mean, ive had a sip if there was a toast being made, but thats all. im not a big alcohol drinker. it doesnt take me much to get drunk. thanks to last night, i can safely say, i am glad i dont drink champagne.

the gorgeous sandi (hereonin to be known as snadi)broke up with her boyfriend a while ago. but you know how it is. you both still love each other but one or both of you cant get past the reason you had to break up, so instead you just come round, watch tv and fuck sometimes. you know? anyway, she has decided, once and for all, to move on. she's getting her furniture out of the house, she's not caling him, she's moving on.

and because of that, we celebrated

and because it was snadi who needed the celebrations, she got to choose where we went

and it was because of that, that we ended up at church (the nightclub)

I KNOW!

but it wasnt actually as bad as both kirsty and i thought it would be. apart from being hit with a wall of beats and cigarete smoke as we walked through the door, it was a pretty alright night. i should point out that it was 90's night, and that was the reason we were there. snadi is a self confessed music dork who is into pop and wont listen to 3d or triple j, so she had a great time and knew aaaaalllll the words.
if there are any of you out there, guy or girl, who feel the need to pash 15 people without consequence, i'll just let you know that friday night at church is the place to be. everyone was kissing and moving on to the next one. its a whole different world out there. i spent a lot of my night staring at people, watching them kiss and move on, kiss and move on.its insane, insane i tell you!

apart from a couple of 'ladies' who arrived later in the night, and a group of men (one of whom looked scarily like my uncle) who stood at the back of the room and picked up occasionally, me and snadi were the eldest ones there, by quite a few years. the biggest clue to this was when a guy asked to dance with snadi and she said 'i'm old enough to be your mother' he said 'nah, how old are you? im 22' and when she replied '31' he let go of her as if she was poison and ran away. she said that had it not been so absolutely hilarious, she would have felt hurt.
the continual, 'so, you're really 28???'*, the way that even though i was drunk on $1.80's worth of raspberry champagne, i didnt vomit it all over the bathroom floor in a bright pink mess, the way i wasnt pashing people left right and centre, all of these things hughlighted how much older i was that the majority of the crowd.

at this point i need to say hi to jason and matty, two sweet country boys who tried their hardest. jason is even planning on calling his baby girl 'carly', should he ever have a baby, and its a girl. ladies, if you're interested, if he has a boy it shall be called 'evan'.

it was alatea night for an old lady like me, and i have a slight headache to prove it. i think i should go back to sleep so i can be all sparkly and pretty for a mcdonalds birthday party tomorrow.

see you then

*a lot of times i had to think if i was indeed really 28. there were afew times when i didnt believe it myself

take your vitamins

what is in orange food (apart from beta carratine) that a body craves? today for lunch i had two carrots, two mandarines and some pumpkin soup. apart from turning the tips of my fingers orange, it didnt seem to change anything

brush with fame

on wednesday, a guy came in to work with some posters to be laminated. yep, no worries. i'll give you a call when its ready, it'll probably be tomorrow. great, thanks a lot.

so i do the laminating. three hilltop hoods posters. oh cool. i like them. i dont think i'd listen to the album, but the songs i've heard are good.

i give him a call. he is very thankful and comes in quite quickly to pick them up.

a lady from work runs into the back room and wiggles. 'i've just met a guy from the hilltop hoods!' and i smile. she's cutting his signature off of the laminating form and putting it in her pocket. its nice to see people happy

should you catch me, if i fall...

i didnt make a new years resolution. i dont normally, but i guess i think about it and say to myself, 'yeah, i should eat better or exercise more', but this year i didnt make one at all. when i think about it now, it occurs to me that i really had no idea what i wanted, and im glad i didnt make a fake promise to myself.

you know what its like when your friend is going out with a fuckwit, and you can tell her and tell her, but she wont break up with him until she realises it for herself, rather than being told? yeah, me to. because its recently hit me really hard what it is that i do, that people have repeatedly told me not to.

i fall

i fall for a smile or a few pretty words. i fall for some new attention, some new comments and new compliments. i fall and i fall hard.

thats not to say that what i have felt for various people hasnt been real, its just that im beginning to realise that maybe it wasnt as real as i hoped, or made it out to be.

my life, a few years ago, was hard, but now that i am far away enough from it to see it properly, it wasnt as hard as it seemed. i had a house, a home. someone who loved me, and two beautiful babies to love, and in return they gave me everything they possibly could. i turned away from that as soon as someone smiled at me. i would come home and resent the daily life i had made for myself. why did i need to be here, cleaning up after these people, when i could be out, having fun, meeting new people, forgetting my responsibilities? it was too loud here, too full of the things i once thought i wanted.

longing...things i long for...peaceful night, strangers at the door

i know that it hurt him. i could see it and i could feel it when i looked at him. but instead of fixing it, i was angry at him for not realising what i needed. some sort of escape from the road my life had taken. cant you see that i need more than this?

but you're wanting his heart while im wanting yours

when i left i believed completely that what i was doing was the right thing. that everyone would be better off, not just me. that i wasnt being selfish because it was obvious that none of us were happy with the situation we were living in, and that if i took myself out of the equation, it would be better for everyone.

there was a song a few years ago now that said something about how in highschool, relationships should only last a few weeks and then you would move on to the next person. i guess the idea being that not only did everyone get a go, but you didnt have to get into the hard stuff after those first two months of happy, sunny feelings. i looked for sunny everywhere i went because there was a shadow chasing me, creeping up closer and faster with every step that i took.

when i joined the 300 club, i mistakenly thought that the shadow might become a little less gloomy, that the sunny might not appear to be so far away. i shouldnt have been told about the xanax, about the good feeling it would give me, the feeling of floating and calm. i am too scared to take them, im too scared to be addicted.

the sunny is as far away as ever, and im spending nights sitting at the petrol station, crying, that i want my home, my family and another baby. it wasnt until i said it that i even knew i wanted it.

now i've had a chance to sit back and think about the words that left my mouth, i can see that i am not ready for that again. but im also not going to give in to the temptation that i can feel creeping again. i need to concentrate now. its ok to have friends, its ok to make new ones. but this one i'll be keeping as a friend unless it is totally, 100% the right thing to do.

the weekend (plus a couple extra days) that was

happy birthday kirsty!

a week ago today, kirsty turned 20. to celebrate, we went to the plaster funhouse, got partybags, wore necklaces, and painted plaster objects of our choosing.

fun was indeed had

and as a marvellous segueway, last night, kirsty, tom and i went to jive to see josh pyke and bob evans. sadly for me, i judged someone by what i knew about them. laura imbruglia was the support and i judged her by the only thing i knew about her; her sister. i just need to interrupt here and point out that semi colon. fantastic. anyway, laura was rad. she writes a lot like darren hanlon, in the sense that she can joke and be serious and make a shit load of sense at the same time

The Dumber Touch

I’m aware you’re much more wiser, thank you Mr. Patroniser.
Hows about you shut your mouth?
Or fill it to the brim with candy, you know it makes life real dandy.
You’ve gotta loosen up somehow.

And you might just find you’ve been using your mind too much.
Maybe you should try the dumber touch.

The purpose of the plaster fun house is defeated when you paint a brown cow.
I dare you to paint Daisy blue.
And then we’ll use the glitter gloss, if it gets on you it’ll come out in the wash.
So don’t give me that attitude!

Stop using your intelligence as a crutch,
You know the fun in life is found in the dumber touch.
You won’t smile ‘til you utilise the dumber touch. Touch.

i bought her cd at the end of the gig, but she was grumpypants and didnt smile or anything, just kinda grunted at me and handed back my change. grumpypants. her cd is good though. more rocky than her live stuff which was just her and an acoustic guitar which i enjoyed more, actually.




bob evans(or here, you can hear the songs easier) aka kevin from jebediah, was really really good. i liked jebediah a lot when they first came out. and i especially liked their version of harpoon. then i got a tad annoyed with the whiney, you know. but bob evans is completely different. its acoustic guitar, and heart on your sleeve love pop songs that rock. and how cute is he? spun out. i never noticed before.



he and josh did a couple of songs, but that was about when my camera started to crap itself* and all my pics turned out like this


it is entirely possible that quality of these photos are due to my inability to use my camera properly, coupled with my short attention span which makes reading that manual pretty impossible**

they seemed to get worse as we got pushed further away from the stage and i know it has to do with the fact that my camera was trying desperately to pop its flash up. i wouldnt let it for about 20 photos. then i gave in

he's a lovely boy, this josh fellow.
and it makes me sad that no one invited him to parties when he was younger. but i like it as well because i relate to it so much. i had a pool when i was in primary school, and i always seemed to get a lot of friends around the time of my birthday. they all disappeared afterwards, but i didnt mind in the slightest. the more people i invited, the more presents i got.


jive is a great place to see bands, actually. its a really nice space. i like the fact that people can hang out upstairs as well, so there is more room for people to see, like two front rows. i also like the couches, not that we sat down.

and i like these



today mum gave me free tickets to the home expo so i took tom along. it was really crap. although i did get a really good massage from one of those massage chairs i always missed out on sitting on when i was pregnant. the man running that stall got grumpy pants with me cos i didnt ask if i could sit down. im sorry, was i supposed to ask to sit on your 4 and a half thousand dollar chair. sor-ry

then we went to buy jam donuts and there werent any. 'none left' stupid bitch lady said. i said 'thats unfortunate'. she grumped. tom said 'ok, just plain then' and she practically threw them on the bench. well fuck you too, thank you vary much.

on the way there my brother drove past us and stuck his finger at us, yelling. apparently he'd been yelling 'fuck you' the whole time we were waiting at the lights while he was behind us. i dunno bretto, perhaps if you'd called out 'carly' i may have heard you

*not literally. that would just be gross and impossible
**actually true, very very true

and sometimes you cry so hard that the beating in your ears sounds like the ocean is knocking on your front door

sssh, its a secret

eli looked at me very seriously and pulled me aside

'mum'
'yes baby?'
'i need to tell you something'
'ok'

he looks around, as if making sure no one else is listening, and pulls me down, level with him

'....piss....means wee'

safety is our main priority

Find your own pose!

melbourne

legs.hurting.ow.baby.cows.

it doesnt matter how good the public transport system is in melbourne, and it is good, you will always do a shitload of walking.
on friday night we walked in the rain till we found an open pub and i had the most amazing chicken thing. mustard and mash, good stuff. i highly recommend it. the queensbury hotel. on our way home we bought alcohol from a deli. it was insane. reight there next to the chips and the milk and the hair ties, there are 6packs of beer, bizzarre. then we walked back to the hostel, up the stairs and drank and ate cheese. good times.

on saturday after walking around the markets, tom, kirsty and i walked half way to ikea, and then all around ikea, then saturday night we walked around the city looking for a karaoke bar. just a bar, that you could do karaoke in, thats all. not one you have to rent a room or buy some drinks, just a pub, a karaoke machine and a microphone. ben, kirsty and i went on the hunt and ben and i found...ok, well, we walked up a set of stairs and entered a small entryway. there were no signs, just many doors. one door said 'pull', so ben pulled and i peeked. there were faerielights, it was dark. a man answered the door.

me: hi...is this karaoke?
man: (makes a face that says well, technically there is karaoke here, but its not really karaoke, but..)
i save him
me: its not, is it
man: no, there is karaoke, but...there's a hostess inside
me: oooh, ok, i get it. thanks, see you later
ben: what?

so back to the exford hotel where extremely unfunny men were attempting stand up, until we decided it just wasnt possible to watch this anymore, and we left.

we found the ding dong lounge, but it was $8 to get in and the music was crap. so we found hungry jacks for aaron, found adrians car, and went home. again with the walking

on sunday, tom and i walked. and walked. and walked. we went to the art gallery where we let our backpacks soak up the artiness, and walked along the yarra to the centre for the moving image, after eating the most disgusting potato i've ever injested.

we were very tired after all that, so we trammed to the sky bus, skybussed to the airport, sat for an hour or so then flew home.

i took a few photos, you can see them all here: my flickr pics

why is nothing free!!!!!!!!

i hate that at some places it costs $8 to walk in the door

we looked for a karaoke place that was pubby but there were none, none except the hostess bar that i will tell you about at a later date

probably monday

now i will have coffee from a machine

damn you melbourne and all that you stand for!!

unforgivable

there is absolutely no reason why i or anybody, should have 'absolutely everybody' by vanessa amorossi stuck in their head

phase one : semi complete

today sandi and i spent 6 hours cleaning my room. when i packed my things when i was moving out of matts house, i started off really well. i was packing things that i needed and that were similar all together, things i wanted to keep, but wouldnt be needing anytime soon together, that sort of thing. by the end of it, i was just throwing things in boxes, saying to myself, 'i'll sort this out when i move in'.

when i met tom back in september, i mentioned to him that my house was kinda messy because i'd just moved in and hadnt unpacked everything yet. he said he understood, but then he found out i moved in in june. its now april of the next year, and a lot of those things are still in the original boxes. some boxes have been rifled through to find various things, other various things have been thrown back in their place. all in all, on particular wall of my bedroom was a shambles. and it took 6 hours to clear it up.
i went from having around 7 full/semi-full boxes in one cupboard, to one container of books and three full boxes. my dressing table is clear of crap and my hoarding of leftover moisturiser has been ousted.

i feel cleansed.

imagine how i'll feel when i vaccuum???

so, during this time, i have managed to fill 2 boxes worth of ebayness. most auctions will start at 99cents. in fact, i think i can safely say all because i dont own anything all that significant. there are a lot of clothes, stacks of avon samples, and a few original me things like bags and soft toys. im also starting to get into collaging and have made something already that im quite proud of.

the last thing i need to do is wait intil me newly discovered rechargeable batteries charge themselves up, then get snap happy with that camera. monday will be photo day with tuesday looking quite likely as ebay day. grab yourself a bargain, people, you know you want it

there's a house with a wall, with a wall, with a wall

i dont want to say that i never ask for anything, because that would be a tota, utter lie. i ask all the time. but most of the time, and the entire time i ask on her, i never expect anything in return. 'its my birthday! buy me these!' i say, but i would probably send the gift back with a lengthy note about how i was undeserving of such a gift from a stranger, if i ever recieved anything. so far i havent received anything like that, which is lucky because its very hard to find a piece of paper around here thats not already written on. you'd probably end up with a note written on the back of a centrelink envelope.

but im asking this time

my lease is up soon and i have to decide if i'll be staying. i want to stay. but i'd appreciate it if my landlord would perhaps, i dont know, actually do something about the condition the house is in. doing anything would be more than she's already done.
where do you come in? am i asking you to picket her house until she gives in and fixes the leaking toilet? pelt her with eggs until she buys new curtains to replace the ones that disintergrate in your hands?

no

i spoke to the property manager who looks after my house and told her of my predicament. she understands. she's fought with the owners for them to do something, but it never happens. so she advised me to write a letter detailing everything that needs to be done. and say that i would like to stay on, but i require these needs to be met before i can agree.

and then i gave her my idea

how about i buy it off of her?

so here is my problem. i have some money saved up. enough for a deposit, but not enough to get a loan to cover the house. so i'll be placing quite a few items on ebay over the next couple of weeks, and i encourage you to bid, please. if only to own a piece of genuine 'something once owned by littlefaeriegirl'

there will be a link soon.

thankyou

alternatively, comeone out there could always get me this one or this one. either will do, im not fussy. and since i couldnt possibly re-wrap it and send it back, i'd send you a rather lengthy letter of thanks and appreciation (i'd even go buy some pretty paper) and invite you round for dinner

welcome to the 300 club

i wont be writing too much tonight. there are a lot of things going on inside myself that i need to sort out.
i'll just let you know that my effexor as been doubled to 300 milligrams a day, and i've been approved for xanax to take while i am in court. it also may be helpful when being in close proximity to a certain person who makes me hyperventilate/get a blood nose/vomit.
i've also been earmarked as having axis II borderline pathology, go me!

heres a quick run down for you :

BPD patients show a wide range of impulsive behaviors, particularly those that are self destructive. They are highly emotionally unstable, and develop wide mood swings in response to stressful events. BPD may be complicated by brief psychotic episodes. Interpersonal relationships in BPD are particularly unstable. Typically, borderline patients have serious problems with relationships .
somebody's little weasel says:
They become quickly involved with people, and quickly disappointed with them. They make great demands on other people, and easily become frightened of being abandoned by them. They have a longing for intimacy and, and at the same time, concern about dependency and rejection.

its so fun.

im freezing and i have a new book waiting, good night

sweet dreams

neck hurts

ow

p.s. if i get the kids back for the third time and they have nits AGAIN i will not be pleased