when i was little, i thought you were the queen

you would know by now how much i miss my nanna, my mums mum. she died of breast cancer 10 years ago, and as my mum said the other day, 'theres nothing i want more than to see her walk through that door, or for the phone to ring and have it be her'

this morning i had an ultrasound and mamogram on my left breast. the sunday of womad, i found a lump and freaked out. then i relaxed a little bit because any time i've found anything, the doctor has felt around and said that it was fine, nothing to worry about, and ive said, ok, and gone about my mery way.

but this time it hurt a little, and it felt bigger than i remember the other ones. then i thought, 'the sixe of a pin head!' and freaked again, and then commenced a series of freaking out and convincing myself i'd be fine.

but i made an appointement anyway.

just a side note, since the doctors near my house introduced NOT bulk billing, its busier. i really thought it would cut down on the amount of people going there.

my appointment was 2 weeks away. sure, i'll wait 2 weeks, TO FIND OUT IF IM DYING! and i was promptly put on a waiting list and called a couple of days later to say there was an appoitment for me.

my doctor is lovely, she really is. she said it was probably fine, and that she'd happily leave it a month and check it again if i wanted...but i think you want to get it checked out, right? right.
so, an ultrasound and mamogram it is, and off i go.

the ultrasound room was cold. its 30something degrees today, and im wearing shorts and a paper gown, and laying directly underneath a gigantic airconditioner with a man feeling my breasts. unsurprisingly, im feeling a little uncomfortable, and the way he keeps clearing his throat and adjusting his tie. he doesnt talk much. just lots of ultrasounding and clicking of his computer keys.
'im just going to get he doctor to have a look'
all this time ive been looking at the screen, watching as the foggy shapes move across the screen. what i suppose are my muscles, look like rivers, and anything that looks remotely out of place is scaring me. even though i have no idea what would be remotely out of place. a cow maybe? or a for sale sign? neither of those things were there, just a lot of grey, white and black that i didnt understand.
while he's gone, i start to panic. i wish i had brought someone with me. why is he taking so long? why couldnt he make the decision himself? im going to die, right? they're just trying to work out the best way to word it so it doesnt sound so bad.
they come back in, laughing and i think how inconsiderate they are.
the doctor has a feel and looks at the screen. she says she agrees. yes, you're right. just here? she asks me, and i nod. does it hurt? i nod again. she looks at the screen again, yeah, she says, just as i thought, and hands me the towel to clean myself up.

'the breast is made of of predominately fat' she says, wiping her hands. ' and a lot of that fat is globular' i nod. 'i really think its just a fatty globule...are you cold? its freezing in here. this room has a massive airconditioner, i dont know why' and she walks out and im told to get dressed, and taken to another room for a mammogram.

for the first time in my life i am almost glad that after having kids and my breasts swelling 2 sizes, that they're a lil floppy, cos i cant imagine how painful it would be to squish nice firm boobs between those plates. it was painful enough and really uncomfortable with a cold metal corner sticking into my underarm.

but im sure its more comfortable than having cancer