vermin

over the last week or so i've had to deal with some pest erradication of different sorts.
you may remember my two beautiful, lovely, sweet lil kit kats, banjo and clancy. beautiful, beautiful.

since i got them (from the RSPCA), ive kept them as inside cats.i believed that if they didnt know about the outside world, they wouldnt miss it, right?

wrong

i understood before i got my cats, that it is in their nature to hunt and pounce. thats one of the reasons i kept them inside, i didnt want them killing any wildlife. not that there's much actual wildlife around here. im talking possums and bilbys, that sort of thing.

then they started breaking out of every window in the house.

every one of the fly screens has a corner pushed out of it because of my houdini cats, breaking out of everything.

so i let them out for a couple of hours in the mornings now. im being a good, responsible pet owner. they are microchipped for starters so if they run away, there's more chance of finding them. i make sure they arent out at night, hunting native nocturnal visitors.

see me? responsible pet owner.

responsible pet owner of KILLERS!

well, of one killer and one that tries really really hard.

i let them out. put the kettle on. went to the toilet. washed my hands. came back to the kitchen to make my cuppa. noticed a movement under the cupboard. leant down, what was it? clancy, holding a pigeon with one paw and smacking it in the head with her other paw. ok, pigeon? get out. pigeon is picked up in a plastic bag and placed in the bin out the front.
gross, im thinking. gross. i dont want a pigeon in my house, dead or a live. i come back inside and wash my hands and go back into the kitchen to make my cup of tea. there's a movement by the kitchen door, something not unlike a small grey cat jumping through the air with something in her mouth. i turn to see clancy sitting there with a rat in her mouth. its been, what? 3 minutes? this cat is a killing machine!
the rat is dead, and i again, pick it up in a plastic bag and take it outside to the bin.
about 10 minutes later, banjo comes tentatively through the kitchen door and places...something on the floor, and looks up at me. what have you got? oh. its a semi decomposed rat, with half its body missing and its ribcage exposed. well done sweety, that was a good try.
i dispose of the halfrat, shut the back door and vaccuum my kitchen. because it is carpeted. like every good kitchen should be.

a couple of days later im walking around my house, picking up various toys and sundry while im on the phone to sandi. chatting away happily, probably discussing boys. feh, boys. when there is a movement in the hallway.

WHAT THE FUCK

"sandi, i have to go for a sec. clancy has brought in a rat the size of herself...and its alive."

i put down the phone and clancy puts down the rat, we are looking into each others eyes. the rat limps forward and squeaks. clancy reaches out her paw and brings it down, slowly, on top of the rat, as if to say 'oh no, you arent going anywhere dearie. you're staying right here with me'

"GET THAT THING OUT OF MY HOUSE!" i yell, pointing my finger towards the front door, the closest exit, hoping she doesnt decide to take it over my bed to the windowsill, one of her favourite places. she picks it up at the scruff of its neck and trots through the lounge, the dining room, the kitchen, and back into the hallway. a nice circle of the house. more yelling and pointing and running follows until she has taken it outside. i get her inside, shut the door, the front door, and all the windows. there will be NO MORE ANIMALS IN MY HOUSE.

sandi comes over. we need to discuss her exboyfriend. its very important. she needs to get things off her chest. i understand that. but i meet her on the front porch and stop her before she can say anything
'i know we need to talk, i understand its important, but i really need you to see my problem first'

we look out the back doors at my backyard, and under the clothes line, just outside my back door, is a dying rat. its breath is shallow, but it is still breathing. its face is kind of nice. its not an ugly rat. its also not as big as i thought it was when it was being traipsed around my house, but its still on the large side. we lock the cats in a bedroom and venture outside. the rat is laying on its side, all four little pink feet poking out from underneath its soft belly. there is blood.
sandi takes control. we scoop it into a cardboard box. it rolls in sadly and slumps to the bottom...and? what do we do now?

we sticky tape the box up and put it in the outside bin.

we are horrible horrible cruel human beings

it is dead. we checked on it. i had visions of opening my bin and finding the corner of the box chewed out and a very unimpressed rat looking up at me, living off potato peelings.

as i didnt sleep sunday night, when i got home monday morning after droping off the boys, i had a little nap. i didnt want any 'presents' from clancy when i woke up, so i shut all the doors and windows and went to sleep, safe in the knowledge there wouldnt be a dead animal dropped on my face with love.
i woke up to some knocking on the front door. i laid there and listened. thats cat knocking. im still tired. they can wait.

an hour or so later, i got up and tidied up a little. took the rubbish out, checked the letter box and walked back up to the front door. my stomach dropped and a cold shiver zoomed through my body. what a lovely present, clancy. that dead rat is by far the prettiest one you've given me so far.
thankyou

at least she's only killing pests, i suppose. whoever owns those chickens i can hear from my backyard has a lot to answer for. we seem to have a rat problem, perhaps?

and the third little pest that has found its way into my house?

head lice. the little fuckers. i guess i've been lucky so far, with notices coming home from school every week that someone there has nits, this is the first time ive ever had to get rid of them myself. and of course, as soon as you read the letter, your head itches, and you start freaking out a little bit. toms head has been a bit itchy too. i had looked before, but couldnt see anything. admittedly, i didnt have a reeeeeeally good look. but i looked where he was itchy and found nothing.

i looked this time. boy did i look. saturday and sunday, apart from everything i mentioned before, were interspersed with removal of live and dead head lice from me, tom, x and e.

a horrible, horrible job, but our hair is so straight and shiny from so many comb throughs, so at least thats a bonus.

so far today there hasnt been any pests of any size, from pin head to half a cat, nothing.
i'm just going to shut the door...just incase