Friday, July 18, 2003

right now i could be in the lounge, all nice and snuggly warm, pretending im 15 again, and orgasming like i never have before over edward furlong. instead, im in the kitchen getting all chilly, hanging with matt while he paints. i am a nice girl, so selfless.

at 15 i'd never masturbated. everytime i even had an itch remotely close to my nether regions, i'd get that scratching over quick smart and try not to think about the fact that my fingers may have brushed somewhere naughty. i'm not totally sure why this is. it's not like i was brought up in an ultra religious family where it was beaten into me that touching myself was a bad thing. on the other hand its not like my mum encouraged it like playing a team sport or something, i just, for some reason, found it..naughty? bad? to be touching myself 'down there'. this was at 15. at 7 or 8 mind you, i was having fantasies about two boys running their fingers over my flat little chest at once. yeah, i ruled when i was 7. but somewhere between 7 and 15, something in my brain clicked that it was a bad thing for my finges to touch my vagina. as if everyone whould know the next morning that i had been doing something naughty the night before.
even after i had had sex, i still didnt do any touching. of myself and of the boy i was sexing, for that matter. actually, that hasnt changed much. i just wonder where it all came from.
what was i going to talk about? oh yeah, masturbation. i think the first time i did it was with matt. i didnt cum. i had this little bullet shaped vibrator thing, and it was cool and everything, but it didnt work. i think it was mostly due to the fact that i was embarrassed and felt like i shouldnt be enjoying it, so my body, in turn, switches off and doesnt work to its full potential.
sean and holly sent me a lovely little vibrator caled a pocket rocket. to all girls..and guys i spose..who've never cum through masturbation, i cant sing the praises of this machine highly enough. i got my pocket rocket when i was 23. i started having sex at 15. 8 years of sexual stuff happening to me, and none of it coming from my own two hands.
there are people that i know who wank quite a bit. like, more than once a day. they wank, they cum, they clean themselves up and get on with their day. i cant even fathom this. i remember the first time i did cum with the pocket rocket, i rang matt and i was all giggly and stupid like this little girl who'd just eaten a kilo of lollies or something. i was still embarressed and weirded out by it, but i did it anyway, and quite often.
and now im back to thinking that its a bad thing. the whole idea makes me frown and worry. it would be fun to be 7 again, and have no inhibitions. to fantasise about those two boys, and maybe let my fingers do the walking down below and make myself cum, and not feel like a terrible person afterwards. wanking shouldnt make you feel like a bad bad girl, and even if people could tell that you'd done it, they wouldnt look at you is if you were naughty....naughty in a good way maybe, but not like you are disgusting.

my head needs to stop thinking and start fantasising

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