Friday, March 04, 2005

a little lesson in history

warning : long post ahead

my mum and dad are divorced. they broke up one day long ago when i was about 10 i think. i remember my dad out the back of my house one night, fixing my bike and telling me about a new sister i was going to have. yeah, those were the days.
my mum found out that dad had been cheating on her one day while doing the grocery shopping. no, she didnt see dad with another woman, no she wasnt approached by the other woman. the wife of a man dad worked with saw her and said that she missed her coming to the work dos, but it was really big of her to let dad take his girlfriend instead.


its possibly this that has started my dislike for my father, except that i didnt know this fact until much later. maybe i just picked up on how my mum was feeling and laid the blame deservedly. i dont know. whatever the reason is, i dont like him. i am uncomfortable around him and i dont know how to speak to him. someone once said to me 'but imagine if he died, wouldnt you feel bad for not seeing him?' and i thought, but i dont see him anyway now, what would be the difference?

last year i was really busy and really bad at returning to phone calls to people i actually wanted to speak to, let alone people i'd spent half my life avoiding. dad would call, leave a message and i'd never get back to him. then his birthday and fathers day came and i didnt cal him. mum apparently put my name on a card because she does that sort of thing, still. fathers day and birthday cards every year, written out by her and posted with our names on them. she is that sort of person. but the fact that i neglected to call him yet again must have been the last straw for him and he began having a cry to brett, my brother, about how i never called him, i didnt speak to him, etc. this is coming from the man who never called or visited me until i had kids.
bret is getting really annoyed at me and him. he thinks we should just call each other. i dont care. im sorry that brett has to put up with dad, but i just dont care enough to do anything about it.

that was until my birthday, and i didnt get a phone call or a card. some people might see this as a selfish act. sure, i usually get $50 from dad, but thats not my point. my point is, isnt he supposed to be the adult? the grown up? i know i'm 27 now, but as my father isnt he supposed to be the big one, love me anyway.

so i wrote him a letter and tried to

brett said that you keep talking to him about me not returning your calls and stuff. i gather from the fact that i didnt get a phone call for my birthday that that is part of some petty get back at me thing and i'm supposed to come crawling back all upset and sorry. no, it's not going to happen.

kristin told me that she suggested you apologising for whatever it is that you've dont wrong. i know what heather's response to that was, by the way.
even if you did do that i doubt it would work because whatever my problem is, its bigger than that.

an apology from you would help in some way, i guess, but to be honest i dont know what you'd be apologising for.
i do have some sort of a problem with you but i think its to do with other things that i'm dealing with.

at the moment i am in the process of taking someone to court. he has been charged with seven counts of unlawful sexual intercourse and three counts of indecent sexual assault. this isnt something everybody in the family knows. just mum and matt and it took me 12 years to tell mum so dont feel like you're being left out.

it's because of this that i have a problem dealing with some people.

when i started seeing councillors for post natal depression, i was referred to a psychologist for treatment for post traumatic stress disorder and i'm still on anti depressants now.
i have problems dealing with any males in positions of power. i cant trust any and i cant get close to any.

i also have nearly no memory of my childhood so even if you did do something that i was mad at you for, i dont know what it is.
dont be mad at mum about any of this. brett, aaron and i are all very protective of her.

i dont think im mad at you for cheating on mum because apart from us having no money, i think we were better off.

so i dont know if that explains anything or not but thats the way it is. i cant help that i'm not home when you call, and im not even sure of where you're living at the moment so i wouldnt know where to call you.

that's my answer and till i get better thats all you can get


i'm posting it today. i'll let you know what happens.

maybe im mad at him because some things are passed on and i've got them. its not just eye and hair colour that is passed on through generations. sometimes i wonder if my predisposition for fucking things up comes from him. i've cheated on matt. i cheated on the guy i was with with matt. and a lot of he time i have no fucking idea.

and i guess thats my major qualm with him. he has no fucking idea. none at all.

we'll see

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