Thursday, April 03, 2003

just a warning; this post may make certain people feel uncomfortable. please don't feel as is you have to read this

a month or so ago, deidre asked me to write a letter to him. i had to say how i was feeling, and how he made me feel, i had to write what i would say if i could let him know how he made me feel.
i don't think there is enough swear words in this to adequately show how angry i am, but this is what i wrote.
this is only the second time i've looked this letter over. i wont be correcting any grammar or anything like that.

i blame you for everything. i blame you for making me sad. i blame you for stealing something from me that you had absolutely no right to take.
i need you to get out of my head and to leave me alone and to never come near me again. and never go near anyone. its wrong what you did, and for all i know, what you still do. what satisfaction can you get by being so manipulatively cruel to someone? how can you live with yourself? if you for one second start to answer me with things like, 'you liked it', or 'you wanted it' i will shoot you down with such a look that you will fall to the ground and burn. you don't warrant my time, my energies, my emotions. you aren't worth that to me. just give me everything back and go away. i don't need you here anymore. leave me alone when i am watching my kids play. leave me alone when I'm shopping, when I'm talking about the weather, when I'm listening to music. stop making me see you everywhere, and feel as if I'm going to break apart and never be put back together again. just go away. i don't need you here.
there is no space for you in my life. i am handing it all back. take it. take all the guilt and the shame and the secrets and all of the blame. take it and bury it deep inside yourself and live like that for half your life and then lets see how fucked your head is. then bring it out into the open. for EVERYONE to see. show your parents and your friends and your children what a horrible person you are. show them all the terror you are capable of.
not even a word i can remember. but i remember enough to know that from the first time you touched me you became nothing. you are worthless. the ground needs to swallow you and spit you out towards the sun. you need to disappear. the world is to beautiful a place for someone so disgusting. leave me alone. go away. get out. i don't need you anymore. its a nasty thing what you did. its mean and nasty and it makes people cry. how could you not get it? how could you not understand? i want to know why but i will not listen to ridiculous answers. you need to know this was all of you. i wasn't even there. i was somewhere else, far away from you but i still wasn't safe. I'm still not safe and its because of you. you make me scared. i cant even say your name. i cant talk to my mum and its all your fault.
what did i do? i cant remember that time. its not there anymore. you need to give it back. it doesn't belong to you. its mine. the only thing that's yours is the guilt and the shame. YOU did something wrong. you did something illegal. and you did something hurtful and harmful to a child. you don't deserve to know what it feels like for the sun to tickle your skin or for a child to hug you. you need to be far away. go away and never come back. go far away from me and stay out of my head. go away.
i'm reading a new book. i really like it. and then there's your name. must you spoil everything.
just so you know, soon i'll be making a sticker for my car. its going to say that you are a child molester


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