Thursday, February 27, 2003

i think today, to a certain extent anyway, i seem to have found my voice. and i'm typing in a way that actually resembles words without having to try too hard, so there's a plus aswell.
i'm sorry i havent been writing much in here lately. i havent been doing much communicating at all really. over the last few weeks some pretty heavy stuff has been going on inside my head, and it's taken it's toll on me outwardly. i've started therapy with deidre at the health village to try and work through sexual abuse stuff, and i've been reading a book called 'the courage to heal' which i'm almost finished. i basically fell apart. i fell to the floor crying, i couldnt stand i couldnt talk i couldnt think. i was shaking. poor x was there to hug me and tell me that everything would be ok. it was after that that i decided i needed some stronger anti depressants. i had to go three days without medication and i dont remember a lot of what went on in those three days except that it wasnt good. i couldnt speak, i couldnt type, 4 letter words were coming out with 15 letters, not much was working for me.
i went to mums for a while and just hung out there cos it was quiet. thats really all that i want right now is quiet time to read and sleep and just be.
i'm feeling a lot better today. it's the second day that ive been taking my new medicine and i went shopping with kristin to colonnades and i was ok.
i saw deidre this morning. i had a good session. i got a bit upset trying to work out why i'm so scared to tell mum. i think it's because she's happy at the moment and i dont want to make her sad. i always kinda made the connection between things and me not wanting her to move in with henk. not that i think henk would ever do anything like that, but i think i prefer mum on her own just incase.
brett and kristin were at my house the other night and i said to kristin that she could borrow my book when i'd finished with it. brett saw the book and comes out with 'were you sexually abused?!' i just kinda said 'mm' and he's like 'who? was it dad? who was it!' i said it wasnt dad, and then kristin told him to stop asking me. he rang me today and said that he and i have to have a talk. apparently it's all he's been thinking about since he found out, and kristin said that she's noticed it as well. i keep telling him there's nothing he can do. i know he feels bad that i didnt tell him. he said to me, 'it's all i've been thinking about since i found out, and i only found out last week'. he asked if mum knew and i said that i wasnt sure but that i thought she did. im hoping that he doesnt talk to her about it. im pretty sure she knows anyway, but it scares me to have it out in the open.

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