look over there. isnt that sad. ive had to remove people from my links list.

look at my australian blogs section. thats very sad

if you are a blogger, australian or otherwise, let me know and i'll have a read. there are lots of people over there who dont update anymore and its getting pretty boring

ta

so far today

* folded and sorted all clothes on kitchen table/floor (not put away. lazy!)
* sorted and cleared kitchen table after all clothes were removed. managed to throw some things away (managed to just move some things from table to somewhere else)
* took suitcase of dolls clothes etc into shed (brought in smaller suitcase of dolls clothes etc)
* decided to sell some dolls and clothes (instead of photographing them, have left them on the table)
* ate healthy - roast vegetables (eyeing off kids chocolate in the fridge. considering going to shops to buy chocolate. considered walking to shops. decided if i go, i shall be driving)
* cleaned shower (dont have a negative for that. go me)
* havent played ds today, is now 2pm (have very cold feet and want to be in bed playing ds now)

edit

played ds. did one half of the island. put it away rather than doing second half
finished half of my kitchen, involving moving table, moving dolls house and sweeping
took photos of sellable stuff and advertised on ATP forum
took out recycling
have officially run out of time for today, will endeavour to continue tomorrow.*

*continuing tomorrow means missing out on being an extra in a film. i wont have anything to do in the film except sit in an audience. but. i dont know

sometimes i wish i had a boyfriend so that when it was night time i could say to my brain, ok brain, no need to run around thinking things willy nilly! you have a boyfriend! you can think about him! how easy is that, brain!? and my brain would say thankyou, and think about my boyfriend, and we'd fall asleep at a reasonable time and live happily ever after and everything would be peachy keen.

instead, after i turn my lamp off and roll over, i close my eyes and its game on. off we go, thinking about a million things at once. a lot of whys, and how comes. maybe's and should'ves. i miss him. im disappointed he didnt come over. i wonder if he will next weekend. i wonder if i'll ever even see him again. i wonder, had i not eaten all the bread, would it be different? would we have had a nicer day? i know he doesnt understand, but he'll just have to deal. i really wish i never met him.

these thoughts dont just belong to one 'he', not even only 2. and some of them apply to more than one. if i had a 'he' of my own, chances are my thoughts would be on him, at least mainly. things inside my head wouldnt be so complicated, so messy, so up in the air and unsolvable.

but thats just the first level. there's still the thoughts of the kids, exercise, cleaning my house (upcoming inspection, eep), all things that take time and effort. time i have a lot of. effort? none free, sorry. everything i need to do seem too hard, impossible even. so hard and impossible that things ive already achived become insignificant.

vacuumed today?
yeah.
but only the lounge. what about the rest of the place?

did the dishes?
yeah.
could have gone to the trouble of wiping the bench

have you eaten today?
yes.
a bag of pods is technically eating, but there is no nutritional value there. you'll just get fatter and sadder, fatter and sadder until you're doomed to spend the rest of your life, fat and alone in your disgusting house, thinking about boys who dont care about you enough to even give you a passing thought

today i had a salad

i guess thats a start

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

fingers intertwine but none of them are mine
im watching you from so far away
pushing buttons just to listen to you breathe

happy birthday baby

happy birthday baby, originally uploaded by faeriegirlcarly.

big seven year old man

i love you

conversations that i have had today have been more important and special to me than any i've had in a long time

not so much what they were about, nothing important, but i guess thats the point. the fact that we spoke like that, about ordinary everyday things for 40 minutes and it was never awkward or strange, or stressed or forced, it was natural and calm and flowed like normal

and that was what mattered

wanna see something scary?

x has just informed me, so, just incase you didnt know

jennifer aniston is famous

square eyes

i wonder if in the days before television, parents would tell their kids they'd get square eyes from reading too much? i doubt it.

in the last week i have read the poisonwood bible by barbara kingsolver, abandoned by anya peters, and the princess bride by s. morgenstern (abridged by william goldman version). next i'll be reading cloud atlas by david mitchell. basically, thats all i've been doing.

i've fallen into a kind of routine that isnt very...friendly? well, theres not room for friends, anyway. depending on the week, i wake up, grab my tea cup, turn on my computer on the way to the toilet, put my cup in the hall way, go to the toilet, grab my cup, go to the kitchen, make tea, return to bedroom. by then, my computer is ready to go. i check my emails (none, and spam. fantastic), open up all the blogs etc that i check, read those. during this time i drink my tea, and then i go back to bed.

i grab my ds and play animal crossing until my eyes close and i fall asleep. depending on whether i've shaken all the trees, when i wake up i will either continue playing or grab a book. it is warm in bed, and comfortable...and comforting. when i feel i have nothing to do, or...well, nothing, i can just close my eyes and burrow deeper and hope that when i wake up, things are brighter. instead, more often than not, when i wake up it is darker, both inside and out. i've successfully wasted another day, gone a whole day without speaking to a person (and really, telling a cat to get out of the way isnt exactly a conversation anyway), and pretty soon its time to turn the lights off and do it all again.

i could be handling this differently. "i think comfort at the bottom of a bottle is in order for my depression. that and bad music". i know a couple of people who have done it, or are doing it, this way. and maybe thats, in a way, healthier because at least they're out, seeing people, breathing outside air, talking, moving.

i was trying to decide if i should do that or not last night. i could have. i had invitations. but i would have been doing it on my own, and thats not something i can do at the moment.

im not sure how i managed when i first started going out. i guess it was different then. turning up to a pub by myself wasnt that bad because i knew that sooner or later, 10 or so people that i knew would be there. but now i just dont know. its a whole new crowd. its younger, and its different, and there are less of us.
now it seems safer to stay home in bed, read books, and look at the same internet pages over and over until my eyes are almost bleeding so im hopeful that sleep might actually come when i close them

i burned my hand on friday. it really hurt. i was filling my tea cup from an electric urn on the wall in the council chambers, and the water hit the bottom of the cup, and bounced back up and over my hand.

i needed a bandage

i took it off today to have a look. it only hurts sometimes, something between and ache and a sting. its not as big as i thought, but the skin is yucky and dry and has started to peel and thats quite quite gross


thankfully, you dont really need massive mobility in your hands to play the glockenspiel. ben and i have been asked to play at the ed castle on friday night, supporting bing goes to monaco. i know nothing more than that, but if and when i find out, i'll let you know

prof mcgonagle

prof mcgonagle, originally uploaded by faeriegirlcarly.

could it be? the reason banjo is such a people cat is that she is, actually, people?

when i saw her with the wand, i couldnt help but wonder...

my phone and how much i hate it

it was good when i first got it. a novelty to be able to take photos, and yay! the prospect of having cool songs on my phone. like a walkman, without the tapes and headphones! how cool

in reality tho, it holds no songs, except the beginning of all my loving my jim sturgess (not that im complaining about that) and the photos are pretty shit

BUT

thats not even what im complaining about

first, this happens


*artists impression

big annoying crack in the screen, and now, when people call me, i dont know who it is! stupid phone says 'call' not whos calling, not even the number. which is shit, because what if someone calls me that i dont want to speak to? how will i know? but mostly, since im always missing calls, i dont know who it is that calls me cos it doesnt record the caller id. the last time this happened was a couple of hours ago, so, if it was you who called me, call again

and, in future, if you call and i dont answer, message me, or i just wont know, and thats sad

why living down here is so good

apart from the fact that i can go to school/the shops in pretty much any clothes i want, be that pyjamas or daggy baggy tracksuit, its also amusing to walk through a shopping centre, witness a 10ish year old boy being dragged along by a parental figure, screaming 'let me go! put me on welfare' over and over again its also amusing to look at the people around who, who arent gasping in horror, but laughing and thinking, 'sucks to be you old man' or 'if you were mine you would have been in welfare years ago', or, the one i imagine people were thinking most 'oh, im so glad thats not my child'

its about time

its been almost two years, but i've finally made an actual start on my photos from france. its hard. i dont really want to think about them, or how i was feeling, or what i was doing when i was taking them. even though a lot of those times were happy, some of them were sad.

i wish i took one last photo of tom by himself, as i left him at the airport

the last photo i have is this one

i stopped taking them when we started crying

mother's day

today i swept, vacuumed and washed the floors.

but before that, i got these

new words i have learned today

laguar - like a jaguar, but a loser. hence the l. this applies to people who have long nails
lerson - like a person, but a loser. hence the l
le* - like e, but a loser. hence the l

are we sensing a pattern here?

e: can i go bike riding?
me: yes, out the back
e: but there's no space there
me: i dont care. out the back
e: why cant i go out the front?
me: because i dont know who else is out there. people might take you
e: no they wont. and even if they say come with me i'll just say no
me: they might not ask you, they'll just take you
e: yeah, well i'll just bite them. and even if they say im feral i wont care

x: hey mum, guess what?
me: what?
x: we're getting a new kid in our class
me: cool
x: his name is noah
me: cool
e: does he wear white shoes?
x: ...... i dont know

at some point i am going to comment about this post, but right now, i'd just like you to read it

The books listed below are "the top 106 books most often marked as 'unread' by LibraryThing’s users."

Bold the ones you've read, underline the ones you read for school, italicise the ones you started but didn't finish, asterix the ones you actually own but haven’t read.

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi : a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick*
Ulysses*
Madame Bovary*
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
The Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies
War and Peace*
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler’s Wife
The Iliad
Emma
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran : a memoir in books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked : the life and times of the wicked witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian : a novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault’s Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula*
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible : a novel
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver’s Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Dune
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela’s Ashes : a memoir
The God of Small Things
A People’s History of the United States : 1492-present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-five
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake : a novel
Collapse : how societies choose to fail or succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics : a rogue economist explores the hidden side of everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance : an inquiry into values
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity’s Rainbow
The Hobbit
In Cold Blood : a true account of a multiple murder and its consequences
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers

tell me...what exactly is the function of a rubber duck?

awake again. i'll be at work in just under 8 hours. i dont see myself sleeping for more than 4 of them. so far, i've thought about finishing my dishes. perhaps clearing off the kitchen table, or hanging out the washing thats still in the machine. but all of those things are cold, so instead i made myself a cup of hot chocolate, i emailed people i shouldnt, and i wrote songs

a little out of luck

and its bang and you're all there, staring and smiling
fake smiles that dont quite hide all that you're thinking
she doesnt belong here
she cheats and she lies
she shouldnt be here
pretending not to hide
its all a front and its crumbling down
she's trying to have fun while they're swarming around
ready to pounce and they do and shes gone
she can only fight for so long
sooner or later she wont even know
the reason for crying, wanting to be home
instead its fake smiles for a different crowd
till blankets and memory hold her down

trusting me with maths

i was never good at remembering the rules
you and me and then theres three
and ive forgotten how to use the tools

i failed the first test
then one week later
trusting me with maths to be the money taker
i dont know if i can do this
ticking you all off that list

i was never good at those thinking lessons
always better in pretending sessions
should i use it as a practice piece?
you can be the princess and i'll be the beast
trying her hardest to fit in

do the job right
add it all up
dont start a fight
dont spill that cup

i dont wish for things to get heated
but i dont think i was the only one who cheated

when your memory plays tricks on you

wishing that the words i spoke came out in invisible ink
or even that before i spoke i took some time to think

remember that you loved me once

imagine how hard this must be
heart and words are trapped tween my teeth
looking up from down here you seem so far away
then i remember its been more than yesterday

remember that you loved me once

third times a charm
but i see nothing but harm
from putting us back together
there used to be a time when i would bet that we
would weather all kinds of weather

remember that you loved me once
remember it was longer than just one day
remember that you loved me once
and i'll try and remember you that way

ben, hop to it