2:29 am

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No,no,no.

I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you would do

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid git.

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind

as i was laying in bed, awake, and composing letters, songs, sms's and blog posts in my head as i usually do, i decided to get up, and turn on my computer. things suck right now. i love a boy who is so far away and it hurts. x is giving me relationship advice and e is as confused as ever. but then i checked my email and i smiled so much :) theresa found me

but, lets start from the beginning

i cant sleep. i cant stop my brain. im going insane. i think there are all but a few lines of that song that fit my headspace right now. i dont smoke, its been more than 3 weeks, and i dont know who sir walter raleigh is, or whether or not he is/was a stupid git.

i miss tom. hear that world? i miss him, and it hurts and it sucks and there is no one out there who could possibly understand how much strength it takes to not click the button that pays for the tickets to dublin. and every night i lay awake in bed and i think about him. i think of other things too, but its mainly him. i think of times that we've already had together, and i think of times we could have together. and i wonder what would happen if i clicked that button and turned up on his doorstep. we spoke on the phone the other night. as we were saying goodbye he said, 'ok, well, i'll see you....' and just trailed off. i finished for him 'if im ever in the neighbourhood, i'll be sure to pop in'. he said 'yes, make sure you do that'. so, what do i do? do i do the girl thing and grab hold of that and not let go because he said that next time i happen to be walking the streets of raheny, i should pop in and we'll have a cuffa tea? do i think back to phonecalls where we cried and he told me that i was the girl he cared most about? or do i think about the other things he says, like 'this cant happen' 'i cant live in adelaide' 'you cant leave your boys to be with me' 'i dont want to settle down yet' 'i want to kiss you, but we shouldnt, we cant' (you can guess which part of that one i heard).

i do all of those things. i hear all of them and i see all of them, and it all comes down to the strength of pushing that button

the advice that x gave me was 'mum, dont you think that if you just liked her a little bit more, things would be a lot easier for everyone?'

and yes, i do think that. and yes, he is right. his magnificent 8 year old brain is perfectly right. but i cant. nor can i go into any detail about this, although im sure that the majority of you who read this understand what is being talked about. it's been two years and i have done some nice things. i've probably done things that could be considered not nice as well...what with the yelling and all that, but i've been civil mostly, i think.... and really, thats all that i can be right now. as right as he is, i cant do it. im sorry, baby

in e's fantastically confused brain, if we just went on a holiday together, everything would be alright. she could stay home and look after them, and we'd go on a holiday together and get married. and then we'd all be friends. and he says this with such hopefulness and certainty at the same time, it breaks my heart.

i dont know why things arent that easy, sweetheart, i wish i could make it better for you.

i look at my boys, in their honest and open, sweet innocent 6 and 8 year old selves and wonder what i did to deserve such beautiful children.

and then, theresa! im so happy. the slow and sad face i had on half an hour ago was instantly wiped away when i saw i had an email from her. i think....i think she's in adelaide, and this makes me smile even more. i shall call her tomorrow, and we shall catch up on everything and i know that i will smile and laugh the whole time.

that, at least, is one good thing