what if

'what if you go away?'
'what do you mean?'
'i mean what if you go away?'
'what if you go away?'
'thats what i mean'
'well we just wont. we wont because they're our kids and they're not bargaining chips or leverage. we cant barter days and fight about who has them longer. they're not an inconvenience, they're children'

and when i said it, i meant it. but immediately afterwards i burst into tears.

i've never wanted to be further away in my whole life