i had another good session with deidre. i showed her my blogs, well, this one and meandering. she's going to have a look through them. my homework for this week is to write a letter to him. and to try and say his name more. at the moment, because i cant say it, he still has some control over me. i'll be yelling at him in the letter about that, dont you worry. the letter isnt to post, its just to write, and i can say what ever i like in it. i'm supposed to write it by hand, but i'll post a copy of it, i think. either here or in meandering, depends how it turns out.
i cant remember if i said anything, but i ran into mark at the tonsley the other night when anatone were playing there. when we were emailing back ad forth, he said that he thought he should have been nicer to me when we were going out. i didnt understand at the time, because he was nothing but sweet to me always, and i told him that. so when i saw him the other night, i squeezed it out of him what he meant by it. after ages of prodding, he said that if he was nicer to me, maybe we wouldnt have broken up. i almost cried. i felt so bad. he said that he was happy with his life now, so its not like he wishes he was with me, so i felt a bit better when he said that.
i said that i was sorry. i know i hurt him really bad, and i did feel bad for it at the time, as well as now. i must go through these phases, kinda like how fashions come back in every thirty years or so, every few years i get this independant streak where i dont want a boy friend and i want to do what i want when i want. it just seems that i only ever feel that way when i do have a boyfriend, and when i dont,i always want one.

never satisfied