Tuesday, April 22, 2008

2 weeks, 2 days

last night i messaged miffy, telling her it was the longest i'd ever gone without messaging tom. ever. in the entire time i've known him. two weeks, and one day. 15 days all up. i can tell you without a doubt that there wasnt one day that i didnt think about him, grab my phone and then fight with all i have inside me not to call or message him. not to get on the computer and email him. i checked what time it was in dublin, again and again, even though i already knew from the many times i've checked before. and i laid there, not sleeping, thinking about...well...thinking about him

tonight, as is usual for a tuesday evening, kirsty came over and we watched all saints. when she left, i shut the door, checked the cats, turned the lights off, walked up the hallway, checked the boys (who had fallen asleep to the sound of track 19 of the hottest 100 volume 11, which...upon research is...pete murray - feeler. poor kids), and sat down at my computer to find an email. 'i havent heard from you in a while'

no, you havent. and it was hard. and it was hard writing back this time because it almost felt like giving in. i'd fought hard not to contact you, but writing back was too easy. i couldnt do it. i wanted you to miss me more. think about me more. worry about me, maybe even call me. instead, i write back. i gave in. and now im back to where i started, waiting to see your name

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