Friday, September 01, 2006

i started a post last night about how i felt like i was starting anew.

id had a pretty shitty week. there had been some crying. some crying. some screaming...did i mention the crying and the screaming? there was gret need for a friend to dance in a shopping centre to avert my eyes when they were quite ready to shoot daggers and poison arrows from them. there was also screaming, sobbing, crying messes on the loungeroom floor.

but then came...i dont know...i cant see how it was different from any other morning. id gone to bed the night before just the same, thinking about how in the morning i would clean the lounge, i would fold the washing and put it away, i would eat healthy. i slept and dreamt my usual annoying dreams. i woke up. i got the boys to school. i got home. and i started.

i cleaned the boys toy room.

i cleaned the entry.

i did all the dishes.

i did all the washing.

i sorted out my kitchen cupboards.

i emptied boxes that had been sitting in my lounge for months.

i did a little more each day until i started to feel like i was actually doing something. i was proud of myself for achieving something. i could see that what i was doing was a good thing, that i was actually worth something.

i started having conversations with someone and we could speak and smile at each other like normal.

and then in one phone call its all gone and i cant reach it again. im back in bed. im crying. im screaming silently because i have no voice for what im feeling. i start to fight, i say 'no, get up.' i make a cup of tea and spill it. crying starts again. i remember watching 'about a boy' and how i wanted to stand in the kitchen with toni collette and cry and cry and cry because i knew. i knew exactly what was going on. i couldnt talk to her about it because there are no words, but i knew.
i came on line. i read pippas blog. i cried again. i read the comments and cried some more. i went back to bed and cried. hopefully i will run out of tears and that will make me stop but im sure i have an everlasting supply of snot to keep me going.

it only took one phone call. one oneway conversation that ignored my previous question and continued on with what he needed. dont you understand? i dont want to help you. and i especially dont want to help you spend time with her.

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