star in the making
aka
you can say you knew me back then

soon i will be an internet star. no, i have not released a porn video ALTHOUGH i cant find the one ther eis of me...hmm...must look into that. anyway, soon-internet star
yes, will be a star somewhere between the shining lights of the internet and big brother. oh yeah, im going places.

tv is my life will be starting its first series of big blogger and i am a housemate....netmate? blogmate? im gonna say housemate. its all a big secret what will happen in the house and none of us know what will happen. oh how exciting. i just hope i get to be onneighbours afterwards, and release my own single and makeup

dreams

for quite a while now my sleeping hours have been quite similar to my waking hours. my mind has been full of the same subjects and i cant seem to get away from them, even by retreating into sleep which is my usual way of coping. books are helping, but they only keep me awake all night to find myself asleep during the day where i still dream the same things.

dont dream its over?

i'd love to dream it was over

there are two stars of my dreams that i never really want to dream about again, and i was lucky enough to get rid of one of them last night, to start dreaming about my upcoming trip.

rushing, always rushing. worrying i'll be late, and i was, but they made an exception and they let me on the plane but then he wasnt there. he called to say he was meeting me. then i realised i didnt have my ticket for the next plane. i ran to the taxi stand, jumped in a taxi, cried the whole way thinking i'll never make it.

flash to a grey set of flats, staying with m and x. its raining. we're running late. m is staling and stuffing around. wants to put a letter f on his guitar even though we need to leave and he's packed it away on its case up on top of a bookshelf. we leave. we're driving in japan on roads that looks like the hills and paddocks towards victor. we miss a street. we get out. there is mud. there are baddies. back in the car. drive again. something to do with a frog.

flash to my house. baby cat that looks like banjo. being told to squash her. suffocate her and watch her lungs deflate. its a science class. biology lesson. i dont feel anything till its over.

and then the shining moment, the part where my brain comes through for me and saves me from a night of not great.
harrison ford wants to do it with me, and my mum knows and shes encouraging it. its not everyday you get to have sex with harrison ford. he comes over, bringing his baby son who is holding a cigarette between his tiny baby fingers. its burning down really low and i worry it will burn him so i try to take it away but he moves and it does burn him. harrison is a bit upset, but he understands. he's wearing a bathrobe. its a weekend, you see, he doesnt like to rush around in the morning. he sits me down on the floor, leaning against the couch. i think to myself that i wish i wasnt wearing jeans.

and we kiss

the hardest part is looking at you now, looking like you did all those years ago, except im not the one making you happy

Dear person who came here using anonym

it didnt work. you better look into finding a different way of hiding yourself

love from carly

forever in search of the alternative to love

Whenever you feel me slipping away
Then that's when you should hold me tight
If you sense that there's something wrong
Then why not make it right?
Make it right
Maybe we'll get it together
Maybe it will last forever

brendan benson

a hot tip

hungry jacks at hallett cove. play 80's songs on the jukebox.ask for james. get him to say icecream.

it was only a matter of time

so, the truth fairy and andrew bolt got together and had a sweet little love child called amanda williams. how lovely.

*insert leave me alone, its my space to say what i want blah blah blah crap here*

but honestly, write what you like. i dont care what you think of me. you say im a...hang on, i have to look..oooh! you wish i would curl up and die! thats a bit harsh...let me find a nicer one...um, ok.

loser

yeah, you're right actually. i dont win an awful lot. but then again i dont often enter any competitions or have races with people so thats not exactly losing is it? its more like not participating. there you go, you non-participator!

but you amanda, no one could call you a non participator. why, you've come out of nowhere to call me names so well done, you're a winner in your books.

hypothetical

your best friend has a problem with your boyfriend. its really hard to explain, and he tries all the time, but it never comes out right. its gotten really bad too, hyperventillating when he's around, getting blood noses, panic attacks; its not good. but because he is your best friend, and really, he doesnt make up the rules of your life and he knows that, he doesnt ask you to break up with this guy. he just asks to be given a little warning if the bf is going to be there when he comes over, that sort of thing.
you say sure, thats fine, thats reasonable.
life happens.
then one night you're best friend is on his way to your place (he knows you're coming btw) to pick something up. when he gets there, your boyfriends car is parked out the front. this comes as a complete shock to your best friend and he starts to have a panic attack in the car. he calls you as he's speeding off and says he cant go in there, can you bring the things over to his place.
no, you say. you're doing him a favour by looking after the things, get back here and pick them up.
no, you dont understand, says the best friend. you cant, you just cant. you cannot physically bring yourself there.
there is an arguement with a lot of yelling.
the things get brought over, but its not over.
your best friend tells you he's never speaking to you again.

hypothetically

its ok, you can stop looking now

im not playing hide and seek! its ok, you can stop looking, everyone....everyone? oh. you werent looking? hello? what? you mean there isnt anyone here? oh, ok then. well, i...um...i guess i'll just go then? maybe? yeah....ok

well

if any of you out there were wondering, i moved house and i have no internet or phone till next week

extrapolate

i think i should make myself a little bit clearer in terms of my last post.

he's not my ex. he's been my boyfriend since september. we're going overseas in july.

last week i asked him if he still liked me as much. he sighed, paused....the pause turned into stalling....and he said 'i will still take you around france if we're just friends'

anyone?

see, i think it might be ok. i think the walking around and showing me of things might take up the majority of the time, therefore there shouldnt be much time for sulking and sooking about people not liking people.
i also doubt i'll have another chance to go there. moneywise and timewise.

but i dont want to be stuck over there upset and wanting to go home, fighting and arguing, and thinking of all the things i could have been doing with the money i sent on a ticket.

i still have some time to decide...

missing

last saturday night in a drunken stumble i lost a letter at the governer hindmarsh hotel. if anyone found it, could i get it back? im going to try and rewrite it tonight, it'll never be the same though.

quiz

would you fly overseas with a recent ex?

circle yes/no