you coming?

the great escape festival - easter weekend, 2007

raining

yay

what if

'what if you go away?'
'what do you mean?'
'i mean what if you go away?'
'what if you go away?'
'thats what i mean'
'well we just wont. we wont because they're our kids and they're not bargaining chips or leverage. we cant barter days and fight about who has them longer. they're not an inconvenience, they're children'

and when i said it, i meant it. but immediately afterwards i burst into tears.

i've never wanted to be further away in my whole life

really im just substituting one made up person for another

there are some things you have to lie about as a mother. im sure quite a few of you know that, most especially since about half way through last year, i am trying very very hard not to lie anymore. and i'm succeeding...mostly. the thing is, its christmas, isnt it? and earlier on there was easter, and inbetween those the tooth fairy came to visit a few times.

so you can see that there are some situations where a lie is the right answer, at least for a little while.

one thing i'm being very honest about with my kids is religion. leading up to easter there was a lot of jesus talk at school. i didnt say it was true, i didnt say it was lies, but i did start most sentences with 'some people believe' and i also told them 'i dont believe'.
so when eli and i were at colonades and he stopped to look at the nativity scene, i didnt pull him away, but i didnt explain anything either. i just waited. if he had questions, he'd ask them

and he did.

'whats that baby doing in there?'
'thats baby jesus'
'why is he in there?'
'some people believe that jesus was born on christmas day, so christmas is his birthday'
'oh'

i reach down and take his hand. we start to walk away.

'so, jesus grows up to be father christmas?'

'yes, yes he does'

wanted:

someone to sleep next to me

post secret

from my new favourite show

sheen

if i still had my old computer, and it didnt fuck itself in the eye with its giant penis, i could show you a photo of the first boy who stole my heart online.

many years ago, i started chatting in an irc client called mirc. i met quite a few lovely people there. quite a few freaks too, that goes without saying, but some nice people as well.
among the list of names down the side of the screen, was rancor. its not an attractive name...i guess the main thing it has going for it is that its not 'hotstud69', but there was something that attracted me to this boy. quiet and polite, we started talking

his name was jonas.
he was from copenhagen.
he worked in a zoo.

we spoke lots. lots and lots. chatting turned to emails which turned to letters and parcels and phone calls. one night i broke the payphone trying to make sure i had enough coins to talk to him. that night, i later found out, he was going to tell me he loved me.

time went on. i came into a few thousand dollars. i contemplated leaving thepersonwhoimustnevermention and flying to denmark.

then i got pregnant.

jonas and i spoke less frequently. he got a girlfriend. we spoke even less. i emailed him once a year on his birthday. then that stopped. and then there was nothing.

then the other day i was playing in youtube. im not sure if you know how retarded i am at computers. oh you do? then what im about to say will come as no surprise to you, especially those of you who were recipients. i clicked a button in youtube which i thought would show me who in my address book had a youtube account. instead, it emailed everyone and told them i had videos to share. this is a lie. i have no videos.
the replies started rolling in. there were many 'this email cannot be sent's, which was great. a whole lot of people i havent embarressed myself infront of. then there were messages from people i dont know, trying to work out how they got in my address book.
for a little while, my favourite response was

What??????????

Ciao.......Audrey

and then this came through

Hi Carly
Hope YOU don't get nervous breakdowns hearing from ME :)
Didn't get nervous or anything about the link... mainly because I had no idea who sent it :)
Hope everything is fine down there in "under"? :)
Jonas

and my heart skipped a beat and i smiled bigger than i have in a long time.

my jonas :)

im just going to say that we should all be very proud of sandi right now

look both ways is really very good

father christmas in the south of adelaide

eli and i had a breakfast date with kirsty this morning. apart from dripping with snot, he was very well behaved, and kirsty even played with him when he attacked her with his giant lizard

looking something like this, and at almost a metre long, this is the gift eli has chosen to get personimustnevermention for christmas.

things about elis gift for personimustnevermention that are great

• its totally an eli gift. no one else would think of a giant lizard
• he thought of it all by himself
• he will never guess what it is
• its a giant lizard and its not going to be at my house
• he will have to find somewhere appropriate to house said lizard
• did i mention the giant lizard isnt going to be at my house?

after breakfast we decided to visit father christmas, just to show him the lizard. this turned out to be a fantastic idea, one that father christmas was delighted with. as i stood there and frowned a little at the silver sheen of snot on eli's cheeks, father christmas was looking over the lizard with great intrest, proclaiming how amazing it was, the stuff that you could get at cheap as chips. and the price! you cant beat it. why, he buys all his tools there, for any odd jobs he needs to do. and if they break, he just throws them away and buys another one.
"been to darwin mate?"
(eli stares silently)
"plenty of crocs up in darwin. you'll be in your pool and look up, suddenly theres a croc in there. i tell ya, you get out of there quick smart. been to california? "
im confused, but then i notice it says california on eli's shirt, 'no, its just a tshirt'
"good surf in california. how old are you?"
'five'
"play footy?"
'yes'
"and what about when you're bigger? who will you play for?"
'the crows'
"good lad, here, have a cd. thats a great lizard. i might have to go up there when im finished here today. its amazing what they can make for the price"

its about now that i start to thank father christmas, wrestle the lizard from his hands, and back away slowly. we've had enough santa for today, thanks

what else to say, but 'hello adelaide'

mark says:
ok
mark says:
woah
mark says:
um
mark says:
does personyoumustnevermention have a beard?
carly says:
...yeah
mark says:
oh my god
mark says:
i was just about to type
when i got back from europe the girl i was with for the 2 and a bit years before that was with a guy who has two kids
mark says:
his name is personimustnevermention
mark says:
he has a beard
mark says:
our ex's are together
carly says:
spiffle
mark says:
yep
carly says:
fuck
carly says:
of course they are
carly says:
hello adelaide
mark says:
yeah

early resolution

to let go of things i shouldnt hold on to

tonight



lovestereo

Scrubs Music Video -- Guy Love

i love scrubs