Friday, June 22, 2007

diazepam 5 mg

if there's one thing i manage to do more often than any other, its fail. and i've done it again, hooray for me.
remember my nice and clean, tidy house? yeah, no more. it is now back to how it was.
remember how i was back at work? yeah, not so much any more
remember how i was happier? you guessed it. three in a row. good job me

this morning at quarter to 5 as i lay there, still awake, i tried to work out how many hours i'd been up for. i woke up at 930, but then i fell asleep again and i got up at quarter past 10. lets say 1030. so 1030am to 1030 pm is 12 hours, plus 6 takes us to now, which is 18 hours. 18 hours isnt that long, i suppose, i thought. what if i got up earlier, and went to bed at a reasonable hour. how many hours would i have been awake during that day? but no matter how many times i tried to work it out, i kept coming up with 18, and anyway, this wasnt getting me to sleep or to work in the morning, so why dont i just give up and go to sleep like i should have 6 hours ago.

except i didnt. well, i must have, because i woke up to my alarm at 8, but i dont remember sleeping. i dont feel as if i've slept. i dont feel tired yet my whole body aches and im yawning constantly

so, instead of work today i got out of bed, put on a load of washing and went to the doctors where i could not tell him a thing about whats wrong. why? because what is wrong? i dont know. im sad. im just sad. i could tell him i wasnt sleeping, and so now i have diazepam and i feel like i should be on all saints. which would be ace.

what is wrong?

the person i love is on the other side of the world. further than 1000 miles away, hoodoo gurus. 10 028 miles to be exact, or 16 139kms. he doesnt love me and is staying on the other side of the world. this, i have to accept, but cant. my heart wont let me.

someone who i thought might like me chose someone else over me. then they chose another person, and then told me they loved me, and then they chose another person.

someone who i thought might like me at one stage, broke up with their girlfriend to be with someone else, someone who is practically in my family, and they're now getting married

someone who i thought i would spend the rest of my life with is happy with someone else

all these people, who have been in my life for one reason or another, for however long, and who left for their own reasons, have chosen someone or something else over being with me

and there isnt anything i can do about that

and its cold

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