the big questions and the big answers

x: what is it in a yawn that makes people want one...you know...a yawn?
me: (yawning) im not sure actually
e: its probably desire
me: did you just say desire?
e: yes
me: do you even know what desire means?
x: it means you really really want something
e: yeah
me: so, e, you think that you yawn because of desire?
e: yes
me: are you sure you meant desire? or was it another word you were thinking of?
e: oh yeah. i meant peanut butter

apparently comments are only for show, they're not actually doing any work

also, still awake

diazepam 5 mg

if there's one thing i manage to do more often than any other, its fail. and i've done it again, hooray for me.
remember my nice and clean, tidy house? yeah, no more. it is now back to how it was.
remember how i was back at work? yeah, not so much any more
remember how i was happier? you guessed it. three in a row. good job me

this morning at quarter to 5 as i lay there, still awake, i tried to work out how many hours i'd been up for. i woke up at 930, but then i fell asleep again and i got up at quarter past 10. lets say 1030. so 1030am to 1030 pm is 12 hours, plus 6 takes us to now, which is 18 hours. 18 hours isnt that long, i suppose, i thought. what if i got up earlier, and went to bed at a reasonable hour. how many hours would i have been awake during that day? but no matter how many times i tried to work it out, i kept coming up with 18, and anyway, this wasnt getting me to sleep or to work in the morning, so why dont i just give up and go to sleep like i should have 6 hours ago.

except i didnt. well, i must have, because i woke up to my alarm at 8, but i dont remember sleeping. i dont feel as if i've slept. i dont feel tired yet my whole body aches and im yawning constantly

so, instead of work today i got out of bed, put on a load of washing and went to the doctors where i could not tell him a thing about whats wrong. why? because what is wrong? i dont know. im sad. im just sad. i could tell him i wasnt sleeping, and so now i have diazepam and i feel like i should be on all saints. which would be ace.

what is wrong?

the person i love is on the other side of the world. further than 1000 miles away, hoodoo gurus. 10 028 miles to be exact, or 16 139kms. he doesnt love me and is staying on the other side of the world. this, i have to accept, but cant. my heart wont let me.

someone who i thought might like me chose someone else over me. then they chose another person, and then told me they loved me, and then they chose another person.

someone who i thought might like me at one stage, broke up with their girlfriend to be with someone else, someone who is practically in my family, and they're now getting married

someone who i thought i would spend the rest of my life with is happy with someone else

all these people, who have been in my life for one reason or another, for however long, and who left for their own reasons, have chosen someone or something else over being with me

and there isnt anything i can do about that

and its cold

sad

comments

you would have noticed, if you are the astute observer, that my comments have gone. acording to my bright orange friend,

Enetation is currently offline for a short while - no user accounts or user sites are affected by this. Error 2

im hoping this means everything will be back to normal after this short while.

kirsty and i went to the zoo yesterday. if was fun. and zooey.


here is a photo kirsty took of me feeding a kangaroo. you should look at the rest of her photos because they are ace. unlike my photos, which are kind of ace, just not as close up as hers since i dont have super duper pervo lense. i think i should invest in one of those.

my hair was that colour yesterday. today i dyed it another colour but its still wet so i cant tell you what its gonna look like. chances are there will be photos from this weekend when i go out with miffy, so you can see after that. until then, comments; if you need to contact me for any reason, there is an email button over there. at least, im pretty sure its still over there. hold on one second....yep, it says 'email me'. otherwise, you can wait til the comments are fixed. or you can just continue to look and not write.

im going to bed now. its too cold

we are going to the zoo tomorrow
zoo tomorrow
zoo tomorrow
we are going to the zoo tomorrow
we're gonna stay all day

we're going to the zoo
zoo
zoo
how about you?
you?
you?
you can come too
too
too
we're going to the zoo
zoo
zoo

happy birthday baby


tomorrow my big grown up boy becomes even bigger and more grown up. in the last week or so he's talked about taking a girl on a date too.

his nan has made him some treats, which is awesome, cos shes so great at baking.

here you can see an icecream cone windmill, filled with lollies, timtam seesaws, and gingerbreads in the shape of cats and goats


and here is the birthday cake. guitar shaped, with licorice strings



happy birthday, my sweet boy

i love you

because if i dont tell you soon, i dont know what i'll do

brighteyes - the first day of my life

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

for the next two weeks im supposed to plot my thinking patterns in a diary. this includes stating what i am doing, what im thinking, and a rating out of ten of how im feeling

10 means a smiley happy face. 0 means a sad face.

these were drawn for me, just incase i didnt understand.

its ok, i know how silly and misunderstanding us crazies can be.

except im not seeing this one cos of my crazies. apparently i need to change my way of thinking. i need to lose the 'shoulds' and find some 'cans'. im not sure how i'm going to do this. i've been thinking the same way for a long time now and its going to be difficult to change it.

there are so many ways that i could think

i think too much from a stand back and look perspective. this is good sometimes, but it also means im taking in too much from outside, trying to consider everyone whos involved
if i think with my head, i step too much into the perspective stance
and if i think with my heart, id end up in france

post secret