You can't just kill people because it's convenient!
That's what my doctors kept saying. It was the one thing we could never agree on.

kirsty and i just watched keeping mum, and as much as i would like alie (here she is inside a giant horsehead) to be my nanna, i wouldnt say no to maggie smith if she offered

Hottest 100

and what i like

1 Wish You Well - Bernard Fanning
2 Catch My Disease - Ben Lee
3 Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz
4 Best Of You - Foo Fighters
5 Dare - Gorillaz
6 Mind's Eye - Wolfmother
7 My Doorbell - The White Stripes
8 O Yeah - End Of Fashion
9 Joker & The Thief - Wolfmother
10 Do You Want To - Franz Ferdinand
11 Fig Jam - Butterfingers
12 Computer Camp Love - Datarock(her name is judy, yeah, thats a nice name. yeah, she's a nice girl. did you get in her pants? she's not that kind of a girl, booger! why? does she have a penis?)
13 Gold Digger - Kanye West
14 Songbird - Bernard Fanning
15 Flame Trees - Sarah Blasko
16 Apple Tree - Wolfmother
17 Blue Orchid - The White Stripes
18 I Was Only 19 - The Herd
19 Middle Of The Hill - Josh Pyke
20 DOA - Foo Fighters
21 Hurricane - Faker
22 Do-Do's And Whoa-Oh's - Kisschasy
23 Two More Years - Bloc Party
24 Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo - The Bloodhound Gang
25 The Car Song - The Cat Empire
26 Fix You - Coldplay
27 B.Y.O.B. - System Of A Down
28 Everyday I Love You Less & Less - The Kaiser Chiefs
29 Fast Girl - Gyroscope
30 Concrete Boots - After The Fall
31 The Special Two - Missy Higgins
32 My Enemy - Cog
33 Phoenix - The Butterfly Effect
34 I Predict A Riot - The Kaiser Chiefs
35 Girl - Beck
36 Speed Of Sound - Coldplay
37 Dimension - Wolfmother
38 Sly - The Cat Empire
39 Colossal - Wolfmother
40 Helicopter - Bloc Party
41 Dirty Harry - Gorillaz
42 Sweet As Sugar - Grinspoon
43 Autumn Flow - Lior
44 Sunny Road - Emiliana Torrini
45 Positive Tension - Bloc Party
46 Juicebox - The Strokes
47 Stuff & Nonsense - Missy Higgins
48 An Honest Mistake - The Bravery
49 What's On Your Radio - The Living End
50 I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor - The Arctic Monkeys
51 Be Yourself - Audioslave
52 America, F**K Yeah! - Team America
53 We're All In This Together - Ben Lee
54 Two Shoes - The Cat Empire
55 Landed - Ben Folds
56 It's 5! - Architecture In Helsinki
57 Radio/Video - System Of A Down
58 Little Sister - Queens Of The Stone Age
59 Bloody Mother F***ing Asshole - Martha Wainwright
60 All The Money Or The Simple Life Honey - The Dandy Warhols
61 Jesus Of Suburbia - Green Day
62 Beware Wolf - Gyroscope
63 Divorcee At 23 - Clare Bowditch & The Feeding Set
64 Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - Jack Johnson
65 Always Worth It - Sarah Blasko
66 Gabrielle - Ween
67 The Denial Twist - The White Stripes
68 Ashes - The Beautiful Girls
69 Jesus I Was Evil - Butterfingers
70 This Year - The Mountain Goats
71 Run - Cog
72 I'm So Post Modern - The Bedroom Philosopher
73 Better Together - Jack Johnson
74 The Sound Of White - Missy Higgins
75 Que Onda Guero - Beck
76 Hypnotize - System Of A Down
77 First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes
78 The Fighter - After The Fall
79 F*** Forever - Babyshambles
80 Believe - The Chemical Brothers
81 Let's Take The Long Way Home - The Beautiful Girls
82 Smoke It - The Dandy Warhols
83 Filthy Gorgeous - Scissor Sisters
84 White Unicorn - Wolfmother
85 Tightrope Walker - Epicure
86 Into The Dark - Ben Lee
87 We Can't Hear You - The Herd
88 Like Eating Glass - Bloc Party
89 Bastard - Ben Folds
90 Walk Away - Franz Ferdinand
91 Heartstopper - Emiliana Torrini
92 Messages - Xavier Rudd
93 The Fallen - Franz Ferdinand
94 On This Side - Clare Bowditch & The Feeding Set
95 Face Without A Name - Kisschasy
96 Six Months In A Leaky Boat - Little Birdy
97 Themata - Karnivool
98 Why Do You Love Me - Garbage
99 Evie (Pt.1) - The Wrights
100 Party Started - The Cat Empire

courtesy of triple j, thanks for a nice soundtrack to my invasion day

invitation

you should all come to the jade monkey on the 17th of feburary to celebrate sharyns* 29th birthday by bopping to the sounds of josh pyke, supported by aviator lane and little ice age

yay!

*sharyn wont be there, she'll be breast feeding

benember the trocodile

since its quarter to five in the morning, i thought it wise to regale you with some words

trocodile
benember
nestergay
meed
golf plugs
hooge
fankoo


that said, these words may not mean anything to you, but to eli, they make perfect sense.
about half way through last term, eli and the other four and a half year olds had their check ups at kindy from child and youth health. the put an eye patch on them and tested their vision, weighed and measured them, and tested their hearing with a game where they got to wear headphones and put a block in a cup each time they heard the beep

eli failed the beep

well, thats not entirely true. his results were inconsistent. that could mean that by the time the hearing test came along, he just wanted to go out and play with his mates and couldnt be bothered listening for a beep. or it could mean that he didnt quite understand what he was supposed to be doing

or it could mean that he was sorta kinda deaf

ok, he's not deaf. he's obviously hearing something because he's speaking most words correctly and you can hold a conversation with him sometimes when he's functioning on the same planet as you are. but theres a chance that something in his hearing is not quite working the way it should be, so in a couple of weeks he'll be visiting a child hearing specialist and we're getting it checked out properly.

in the meantime, if he meeds to talk about how nestergay, the trocodiles meeded to benember to take their golf plugs, then thats fine with me

she's a real emotional girl*

x is a really thoughtful, wonderful, bright child. he's always thinking, always coming up with new and different reasons for things, experimenting with bits and pieces, reading his encylopedia. his trouble though, is that sometimes he thinks too much.

the last few times the boys have been staying at my house, about half an hour after he's been put to bed, he will come out with teary eyes and tell me about how he was just thinking about when people die.

personwhonameimustnevermentions grandpa died in the middle of last year, and x has always been wary of him because of his wheelchair, and the fact that, sitting in it, grandpa looked like this shrivelled up old shell of a man. not a very comforting scene.

he kept saying to me 'do you know that i know someone who died?!', like it was absolutely unfathomable.

so i told him about my nanna, and how much i love her still even though she died a long time ago. and how she wouldnt want me to spend my whole life sad about her, but to remember happy times and go on living my life.

he still comes out every couple of nights and tells me about his friends, but i think we're ok about the whole death thing now. for the time being, anyway

*i am well aware that x is not a girl, i just couldnt think of a boy title

the clean smell of talcum powder. a small black book filled with years and years of x lotto numbers, written neatly in rows. putting on lipstick while sitting in front of the dresser. malt flavoured milo and brown bread. quietly opening the linen cupboard in the dark hallway to sneak a sweet smell of neatly folded sheets. the softness of her hands. the beauty in her smile. the love and laughter in her eyes. the sadness i felt the day i looked into them and saw her beginning to give up. how my sadness reflected hers, as if she could read my mind.

i loved to visit my nanna and poppas house. the drive seemed so long then; i know now its only 25 minutes away, but i guess when you're small everything seems bigger than it really is.

standing in the porched doorway. hearing the latch turn in the heavy glass door and seeing her face. she is so pretty.
'hello dear'. she opens the door. my young lips not as soft as her cheek as we kiss her hello, filing past her, down the hall.

i take my shoes off and wriggle my toes in the deep pile of the carpet.
are we thirsty? would we like a glass of lemonade? i have a special glass with painted blue snowflakes on the side and she always remembers. it used to be the glass they'd keep the milk money in. its mine now. we're allowd to pour a dash of cordial into our drinks. green, red or orange, which ever we like.
we have a snack of country cheese biscuits or saladas. later we'll be allowed icecream with milo on top.

we dont help ourselves here. nanna's house requires manners. this is an unspoken rule that we follow without arguement. we would never be rude here. we are all good kids in this house.

'can we please make cubbies?'
of course we can, and we're out in the back room, spreading blankets precariously over groups of chairs and lining the floor beneath them with mattresses that are soft and pliable. you can wrap yourself up in them, and we do. giggling and rocking from side to side. we bump the chairs and the blankets fall down over us. thats ok. we sart the game again and play for what seems like hours.
later, the divan which always fascinates me, becomes two horses. one each. balanced on their sides, the foam hardly giving an inch with our weight. when we lean too much to one side the mattress falls to the ground with a thud. we land softly, roll off and start again. this game is never boring.

the cupboards are full of strange old toys and craft objects made by our mother, aunties and uncle. odd pieces of meccano, marbles, mosaic trivets made of glass stones.

after packing up the back room we venture to the spare room. the built in wardrobe holds many trasures. a ladies old clothes. dresses hanging long and still. i think they're my grandmas. she lives in a nursing home and confuses me with my mum. we dont play with the dresses, we leave them be. on the other side of the cupboard are my grandpas bowls. we dont touch those either. he's dead.

up high are the games. fact finder fun and a disney version of pairs. a crayola caddy with all the colours still in their place.
on the shelves behind the mirrored glass doors of the dresser are miscellaneous make up containers. my favourite is the green and white eyeshadow. i apply it with my fingertips and decide that i must look grown up now. i brush my hair with my favourite hairbrush which is always on this dresser. i brush it till its shiny and soft and walk out to where the adults are drinking cups of tea. no one notices how i look.

it's time to play outside. we head down the back,a round and under the fruit trees and behind the rainwater tank. we've placed smooth round rocks around the wooden base of the tank. we've done this for as long as we can remember but there's still room for more. this means a walk up the road for us, to the house with the rocks. a couple in each hand and we're off again, balancing along the tops of concrete fences all the way home. if we need more we'll go again later.

there are marbles buried in the soft dark soil. pieces of lego and old plastic toys. the dirt smells different here. sweeter, mustier. especially under the over hanging branches of the fig tree. an old rusty wheelbarrow turned upside down serves as the doorbell. spin the wheel and the screetch declares we have a visitor.
the tree in front of the loungeroom window is the best for climbing. there is a special branch just right for swinging. i can swing the highest because i am the biggest. i can also climb the highest. i can see a nest but i wont go near it incase the babies take on my smell and the mummy bird turfs them out. no one should get left behind.

it's possible, if you're careful and clever enough, to walk the entire perimetre of the house standing only on the concrete footing surrounding it. my favourite part is under the carport, around the drain. its a large, round lump of concrete, painted till its shiny. it tickles your feet with withs smoothness. the house is built of laquered rocks of dark brown. they're shiny and strong, yet soft at the same time. the fence is made the same way except for the capping and posts. theses are a rough white concrete that tickles your bare soles in a different way.

we must 'mind the roses' when we climb on the the fence. we are reminded that our mother once fell into the rose bushes when she was younger, and had thorns digging into her all over. we've never fallen. we're too clever to do that.

thankyou



for helping me smile

if i could*

if i could, i would be floating at the beach right now. but only if there was a promise of never being sunburned or eaten by a shark

*just a beginning of a sentence, not the name of my favourite song when i was 11

yuyu

to bevis, sherriffofnothing, oreos, steph, vicki, surly gregory, kerry, mary, kirsty and elaine

thankyou

p.s. I came from BEVIS's yuyu. made me laugh outloud and spit on my desk

for kirsty

caring is creepy - the shins

I think i'll go home and mull this over
Before i cram it down my throat
At long last it's crashed, the colossal mass
Has broken up into bits in my moat.

Lift the mattress off the floor
Walk the cramps off
Go meander in the cold
Hail to your dark skin
Hiding the fact you're dead again
Undeneath the power lines seeking shade
Far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason

It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold
On rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped
And the whole mess of roads we're now on.

Hold your glass up, hold it in
Never betray the way you've always known it is.
One day i'll be wondering how
I got so old just wondering how
I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.

This is way beyond my remote concern
Of being condescending

All these squawking birds won't quit.
Building nothing, laying bricks.

the sky was bright, but i had sunglasses

ive taken the first step. i was out of the house and it didnt involve kids, work, boyfriends or family. i did something for myself.

last night i went to my first class at leigh warren & dancers and even though i felt, at first, frumpy and uncoordinated, by the end i knew the steps, i was dancing, not following, and i will be back again

the one where i talk back

so, how are you all? good i hope.
im thinking that this isnt going to be like one of my regular posts, and that ok. i just feel like the time has come for me to say a few things and here is where i have chosen to say them

most of you would know, or have heard by some way or another, about a certain person (persons?) flitting around the internet, signing comments as me. silly, isnt it. most of the people who know me, whether personally or via the net, know how i speak, how i comment, and its quite obvious if the comment has been made by me, or by someone pretending to be me. yet there are some people out there who i dont comment to as much, and therefore, they dont know 'me' as well. and its been on these websites where ive been made out to be a cock hungry psycho. like that name? i thought of it myself.

for instance, as much as im sure blowing sherriff would be immensly fun for all involved, i personally wouldnt have announced the idea to his whole blogging audience. i may have emailed him, left a few suggestive comments, and then offered. hey, i cant help the way i am, im just not as forward and brave as some people are making me out to be.

over at jessculture, i wasnt as forward. which is where i need to give the impersonators some credit cos they started talking a tad more like me. they must have gotten in some practice, who knows. im sure i'll find out sooner or later when someone lobs up on my doorstep with their cock out, proclaiming i promised them the best head job of their life. of course, the bouncing bunny of coffee?? or whatever the hell 'i' called her, and i have spoken and we know whats going on, but just for those of you playing at home, the first comment is me, the rest? no, sadly not me. i wish i did have a secret crush in melbourne. the only guy i know in melbourne who's phone number i have, ive already had sex with, so im sure he knows how i feel about him. its no secret. and unlike the merry reveller who comments as me, i comment with my own name. if i have something to say to someone, i just go ahead and say it. i dont feel the need to try and mess with other peoples lives. strange, i know, but true.

there are some people out there in blog land who have gotten mightily pissed off about this whole shebacle (do you like that word? i just made it up. its kinda like debacle, and shemozzle. oooh, i could add fiasco ito it. ive always liked that word. fimozzcle, now theres a word). so yeah, some people have gotten angry, and they're even going to the police about it. there are copyright laws, i know, and i know that some people involved here are in breach of copyright laws. but i also know that as far as the internet goes, there isnt a lot you can do in the way of fucksticks. its like everywhere you go, you know that saying 'theres always one'? well, it seems we've found our one.
there are also people who have joined in and laugh at themselves when they're the flavour of the month. and good on them, i am honestly happy that they are enjoying themselves as well.
im kind of in the middle of those two. a few things that have been said, ive not been happy with. the personal attacks and 'help', i can do without. some things? i have no words. i just dont see where its funny to continuously call someone fat and ugly. i dont know, maybe thats just me but somehow i doubt it.
the problem i have with the logic behind certain sites is that the reason they say they write their entries is because its better than the shite and drivel that most of the blogs are made up with. and thats fine. if thats your opinion, you are very welcome to it. but it seems to me that most of your content is bagging the shite and drivel of other peoples blogs. surely if the sites are that bad, you wouldnt visit them so often, comment, or take the photos? i dont know, again, maybe thats just me.
you say its the truth, your readers/fans say its all a bit of fun. but fun, to me, is when everyone is enjoying themselves and not at the expense of oether people.
i know its pointless writing this, as you'll just take some words of what ive written, rearrange them the way they suit you, and then just call me fat and whinging, but dont you think thats getting a bit old? honestly? your comic is pretty good. im liking the artwork a lot. and i agree that a lot of blogs are 'i went to the shops today' and 'omigod i HATE my mum rite now emo emo emo', but you dont have to read them. and yeah, your blog is different, if by different you mean complaining about other bloggers and what they say and do in their spare time.

~~~~~~~~~~~

and the rest of it? yes, i am a mother. yes, i am depressed. yes, at times my depression gets to a level where i need to cut myself to feel better. i write about it on here to get it out of me and somewhere i can look back and see how i was feeling. as much as you think you are helping with your smarmy get better soons, i'd really rather you didnt say anything. this may sound a bit drastic, but one day you might go too far and someone could realy hurt themselves over something you've said. it would be unfortunate. stupid too, that your comments could hurt somebody that much. but the sad truth is that some people are not stable enough to cope with constant criticism, especially when its coming from all angles.
before you start laying into me, you dont get to me that much. i have far more important things to worry my addled mind about than you, im just trying to make you understand that sometimes actions and comments hurt far more than you realise.
as far as cutting goes, im not proud of the fact that i do it, but i do. its part of me just like over eating os part of some people, like starving yourself is part of other people, like drinking, taking drugs, maxing your credit card till you're so far in debt there's no way out. these are all coping mechanisms and truth be told, they're probably not the best ones to be using, but they're the ones that work for now.
depression is fucked. anyone who has suffered from it, or has seen someone suffer through it, knows how bad it can get.
there are days when i just cant get out of bed. when i lay there and listen to my kids making their own breakfast because 'mummy is sad today'. i dont need you telling me that i am a bad parent because i know that already. i also know that i am a good parent because i love and care for my kids, and im also seeking the help i need to get better and be a better parent for my boys.
there are days when, when i do get out of bed, all i can think of is driving into the on coming traffic, or perhaps just not turning the steering wheel when i come to that corner.
but the thing to remember is that i stayed on my side of the road and i did turn the corner and i am here today in my freshly cleaned house because not all days are as bad as the others.

and i certainly dont need your help to work that out

~~~~~~~

so i guess the crux of this entry is, i know what my life is like. you've certainly pointed out what a sad and sorry life i lead, why dont you do both of us a favour and just stay away from it? if you are serious about helping me, do this one thing. if you think i lead such a sad boring life, dont read about it

i'll go back to ignoring you, and you can do the same to me. i dont see that as something too hard to do

thanks for your time

love carly

dear adrian

thankyou so much for my christmas present. it was lovely. i actually got to listen to the whole thing today while i was busy shooing my kids out of my room. they have two of their own, why are they so interested in mine?

do you know what an arab strap is? i did a search for one but only came up with cd covers and band photos.

hope you had a good day at work, talk soon

love carly

wouldnt it be nice

Besides, I don’t feel hopeless right now, and for anyone who hasn’t ever felt that deep, lonely ache of complete hopelessness, not feeling it feels like a present of chocolate orgasms under the Christmas tree with your name on it. That good.

dooce

that i just cant hide it (nono no no noooo)

its almost done. according to baz theres only half an episode to go and we could be on our way to international multimillionair stardom!* and our own library full of hot guys and girls putting the books away
im looking forward to working in a massive cool house, kissing ben, yelling at kirsty, but the main thing i'm looking forward to, the thing im the most excited about, is just doing some acting again.
i cant believe i havent done anything since equus. its been almost a year. i've had the opportunity too, thats the worst part. i could be doing 'cloud nine' right now, or 'lets have sex'. grrr

hurry up kirsty

ok, im off to look for auditions, just writing this post has pissed me off

*channel 31

i got it

kirsty came over tonight and we watched garden state which, we agreed, made us better film makers (to be). she also bought be a present



kirsty bought me a piece of happiness!!!!!

We represent the Lollypop Guild, The Lollypop Guild, The Lollypop Guild

mehehe

happy new year, people of adelaide and the world

welcome to 2006, and the rain is washing away all the sins of the night before

not that i sinned. i danced, i drank,i made merry. i saw friends i havent seen in a long time, i kissed a wonderful boy, and i made it home by around 5 oclock

so far today ive slept and watched shrek. a pretty good start to the year, i think. ive been cuddled up to my two beautiful boys, and thats where im on my way back to right now

enjoy the new year everyone, i hope it brings you everything you desire