dear 2008,

i will not be sad to see you go, you know. sure, some good things have happened, and i've had some fun times, but really... if that was the best you could do, i'm glad you're leaving.

you sure took your time though. the nicest thing to happen to me this year only happened a week ago. surely you could have got to work on that a bit sooner?

anyway, i should probably let you go. no doubt you've got shit to do before tonight. loose ends to tie and all that. if i could ask you one favour though, new years usually suck for me, but i'd really appreciate it if this one didnt. i have a feeling it'll be a good one, but any help would be fantastic

thanks,

carly

much better, actually

better

hate

christmas eve and im posting about hate. well, its warranted. actually, it isnt, and it doesnt make sense and i dont understand it, but its there anyway

hate

i've just spent the last ten minutes fighting with myself. there was something i wanted to do, and there were means within my reach to do it, but i knew i shouldnt. i kept staring in front of me and fought inside my head but the need was too strong and it overwhelmed me. maybe if i was used to it again, i could have fought harder, but i didnt. instead i grabbed the badge, pulled the pin out at right angles and raked it along my arm

that'll be nice and festive for tomorrow

good one, me

its christmas, he says, come on.

no. i say. you could have given me some warning. twice too, even after i asked you not to the first time

so now i am spending christmas eve alone, without saying goodnight to my babies, my face ugly from crying, my arm stinging soothingly, and my hate sitting there, waiting to explode

progresser

kitchen, from fridge to window, not including stove - clean

cube shelves in loungeroom - sorted and pretty

loungeroom, from lounge to airconditioner - clean

im a little bit concerned with the new basketballcricket rule '2 runs if you hit mum'

progress-ish

i have sorted the hanging clothes from my wardrobe into three sections

keep, salvos and ebay

as impressive as this sounds, most of my clothes are not hanging up, they're in a pile at the end of my bed

***UPDATE***

have also done chest of drawers

have yet to touch pile - am wary of what i might find

surprises

up until a few hours ago, the kids toy room looked something like this



then i came up with an ingenious plan

x - do you realise how close christmas is!?!
me - i do....but....
x - but what?
me - well, i was just thinking about how sad you'll be
x - why?
me - cos i've been thinking that im not gonna let you guys play with your new christmas toys unless that room is tidy
x - e!!!!!!!!!!!!

now it looks kinda like this



they even swept and took things out to the shed

i'll let them play with their presents

so, there was this one time, where i went to bed just after 10, i read for a little while, i wrote an sms on my phone that i'll never send, and then i went to sleep

and then, some stupid girl calls me and says i stole her solar lights

see how far you've come

i found a list in a notebook. i think its from when i was swapping meds and had about 2 months off work. that was early last year, i think, possibly earlier than that

what i want to do

i want to have a tidy house
- boys and i are sorting toy room
- i will fold clothes on the table

this is a start

work out what makes me happy:
loved walking around on sunday, shopping with friends.
can i get a job, part time, in an industry i am interested in: music/acting, 3/4 days a week. something i can be proud of being involved in

do i want to go to uni? tafe? just do a course - wea?
what would i study?
drama
writing
counseling

where do i want to be?

now: i should be out of bed, at least laying in the lounge with kids

in a week: again, out of bed and accomplishing something

in a month: working a job that i like OR still focusing on doing things for me until getting up and doing something becomes a habit

3 months: splendor in the grass, do NOT go with rob.
aim to have saved $1000

6 months: in at least 3 times a week email contact with tom. back to normal discussion. going to see him? do i still love him? (right now? yes)

1 year: tidy house by habit not force
not to have increased meds. 1 up acceptable
not to have slept with someone who doesnt care about me
discuss future with tom. do i really love him, or do i just miss his company?
be friends with matt

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

how have a gone with these goals?

ba bow

(that is the sound of someone failing)